Ameeta Sanghavi Shah
Ameeta is certified in Family Therapy from Washington University at St Louis, U.S.A and has a double Master in Social Work from Mumbai University and Washington University, St Louis. She has an NLP Master Practitioner’s and Trainer’s Certification from National Federation of Neuro Linguistic Programming, U.S.A. & has done certificate courses in NLP from U.K. She is trained in clinical hypnotherapy, regression therapy, somatic experiencing and in EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique).
Ameeta has been practicing as a psychotherapist and trainer using the family therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, rational emotive therapy, neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), meditation, creative visualization and hypnotherapy. She has written a weekly column for Pune Times for over 2 years and was on the Zee TV show Sangini.
She has conducted workshops for organizations on Self Development and Positive Living – adopting a proactive attitude to life and work, Strengthening Motivation, Communication and Interpersonal Skills - Assertiveness, Conflict Management, Managing Relationship Stress, Empowered Parenting, Reducing Co-dependency in relationships, Stress management and Relaxation Techniques.
She shall answer your questions on dealing with the emotional problems of life.
Ask Ameeta Sanghavi Shah
Question 116. What is your opinion about supplementing your therapy with shwaaspathy and tatvlogy.
tatvmatch.blogspot.com - Krishnansh Ashwani Agarwal On 30 July 2010
I will check this out – at present I do not have knowledge about these two methods. Today more and more methods are there bridging psychology and spirituality, bridging mind, body and spirit for mental and physical health and for inner growth. Each methodology offers unique tools to make healing and health easier. So practitioners will supplement with an array of tools and can be useful to do as per each one’s choice.
Question 117. mam namste.
i am an engineer.i m gud at studies.but i never become happy.i m conflicting within myself.always trying to be gud human being but never suceed ,mam always doing planning but not completing it. I m very short temper. I m always helping to others but all relation does not go long. Pls mam help me. - Bishnu Mishra On 27 July 2010
You have a strong need to prove you are a good human being. This is distracting you and making you put others needs above yours. There is a belief that a good person is always helpful to others. As a result you would not say enough ‘no’s to the help people want from you. More and more people are happy with your helping and so they will keep coming to you. You do not say ‘no’ even when your own work is there. So your work suffers and you feel frustrated that you cannot complete your plans. It makes you short tempered because you are overloaded with work of others with no time to do what you love or want. Even your close family members may suffer, you may be receiving their rightful constant complaints and you may be feeling helpless and guilty that you cannot attend to them.
You need to change this belief and recognize that looking after our self is also our duty and a way of being good. When you are selfish you are no longer bitter and resentful and burdening God or others to help you to succeed and have less stress. You are taking the responsibility for your success and your stress. Your self esteem is too tied to being a helper whereas it can now be about your talents and your contributions through your talents. Helping people in random ways scatters your talent and energies. Every profession done well is a way of helping. You have to be ready to be the ‘bad’ person who says ‘no’. It is better to be realistic than be bitter or over-promise. We help no one if we are dying in the process. People say they enjoy helping and it is no cost to them – yet look again there are costs! Too much helping spoils others and encourages their dependency. They do not value you – they take you for granted remembering you only when they have a problem. You will in the long run feel let down by the people you helped as they misuse the help where you have not set limits to the helping you can do.
So now whenever you are called to help take a ‘pause’ and check how you feel – are you tired? Do you have other work? Is the give and take balance of this relationship appropriate or does this person only ‘use’ you and not respect your efforts? Then if you feel you can say yes or you can let them know you will check your schedule and revert. Taking a pause and reverting is always better to break the pattern. You can even then offer to help out only partially and say ‘no’ otherwise. This way you are looking after yourself in the relationships, getting your work done and feeling peaceful.
Question 118. My son who is 9 yrs has started observing and questioning about romance and kissing scenes. How do I educate him? - Naha Srivastava On 13 July 2010
First you need to get comfortable with the issue of sexuality in our lives – that there is no moral issue and it is a way of expressing love and affection and enjoyment. You can sometimes look for books on this topic all bookshops have some which offer you suggestions on how to go about this. You can also consult a psychotherapist.
Basically the best way is to be alert to the child’s curiosities. You can talk one on one with him in a casual way and answer him to the extent of his curiosity so you do not overload him with information. Some children have many questions and are ready to hear it all. Others are satisfied with limited answers and move away after your reply. So the process of sharing about this aspect of life can be done in a few hours to over a few months as per your child’s needs.
It is a good time to share at this stage as then your child hears an educated reply than one from a friend that may not be appropriate. Essentially talk about different forms of love and the way these are expressed with the kind of physical, emotional limits of expectations that are there in these different relationships. For example in a romantic relationship mouth to mouth kissing exists but in a sibling relationship or a parent child one this is not done. Essentially in all relationships respect and permission of the other is necessary to do anything for the other. Each person has the right to say ‘no’ in a relationship to various demands placed be it for a task or a touch.
Talk about sensitive body parts that feel good with touch that all people have and the private parts of a person. Talk how we pat a person on the back but not on the stomach or thigh as that is more personal then the back. And private parts are even more personal. You can talk how intimacy is usually after knowing a person better and is best approached gradually. You can then talk about the terms used such as ‘sex’ or ‘intercourse’ or even some slang words and what they mean – their function biologically and their function to express feelings. This will help your child also not feel out of place or even shocked when peers say anything and they do not know. Your child would also know what to allow and what to set limits to.
As he grows older you can talk of different types of relationships and cultures in society of marriage, live in etc. Today children will need to know this from the family so they are better prepared with the risks and pros and cons of the choices and being able to allow others around them their choices without letting it affect their professional relationships or their own value system.
Question 119. I have a problem with relationships. No one takes me seriously. I have a problem forming close friendships. In a group I feel that I am not accepted and I fear everyone is laughing at me. I can talk to people individually but with a group somehow I feel left out. I also need to be more assertive. What could I do to solve these problems? - Aleksandra K On 29 August 2010
You would benefit from working with a coach or therapist where you can narrow down what it is you may be doing that is causing this reaction from people. Generally you may not be taking body language cues from others about when to stop or change the topic. Your body language may not be appropriate to the people around as in when we stand too close to people or laugh too loud – this can put others off. Timing is crucial to communications and something said a little earlier or later than matching the situation will not work.
How do we get our body language and our timing right? One is skills training and the other is gaining insights that would better our communications and our relationships. For example listening is more important than speaking constantly. We may focus only on how to impress and in fact we could just focus on how to be attentive to the other’s viewpoints. Tone of voice is an important body language tool in communications and relationships.
Try to get feedback from trusted people on what you need to do differently. Watch for feedback from people’s comments. Sometimes when you feel this way it can be that your own expectations from yourself are too high and not factoring in the reality that one has to withstand the ups and downs of communication and relationships without taking it too seriously as that is how it is for everyone.
Assertion is a way to stand up for oneself and it is also a state of mind of feeling equal to others in a situation or feeling that you are able to feel good about yourself around others. It is also the quality that helps you to notice that the give and take balance in a relationship is fair and appropriate. It is the behaviour that one chooses to express anger in appropriate ways without insulting the other and yet conveying one’s point of view or one’s limits on others. It is equally what you say or what you may silently do.
Re programming the mind to regain confidence and ease can happen through many routes such as regression therapy, hypnotherapy, cognitive therapies, emotional freedom techniques, and Neuro Linguistic Therapy. Assertiveness too happens from skills training and from reprogramiming the mind.
Question 120. Why does love and marriage evade me? I have always been loyal and trust my partner but why is it that after some time there is always a fallout between me and my partner? Till February 2010 everything was so good between us but all of a sudden my partner is not exactly committed to me. He helps me in everything but the affection, the caring seems to be missing. Why does it happen to me always? - Sujatha Mathur On 28 August 2010
You need to discover your pattern in relationships and in the kind of partners you choose. You may be choosing people who have difficulty committing because of a hidden fear of commitment yourself. You may be trying to please too much letting the person take you for granted to the point they may not recognize your value to keep the relationship going.
Sometimes you could be loyal and sincere and then be pressurizing your partner to be perfectly responsive to you. This may give him no margin for ‘error’ without having to deal with your hurt. Your efforts for your partner come with invisible strings attached and result in the other having to deliver matching efforts for you. Thus he can do his part though he will feel he has to do it due to being obligated to you and pressured to do his ‘duty’.
So caring for your partner in a balanced way and to the extent he wants would be better. Then there is more space in the relationship for a person to say ‘no’ or to do informal things. Say on his birthday you do very special things for him with a lot of elaborate effort. Then on your birthday he will either feel guilty to be casual or so have to do something special or if he does handle it casually your disappointment can show. Eventually over time he can feel too pressured or too much like the less competent or loving one compared with you and thus want to opt out.