You have communicated clearly though you feel you have not. It is that you have faced past traumas and these being unresolved your present life is also feeling chaotic. It is affecting your work and your family relationships and motivations. Thus you are overburdened with feelings from your past and feelings from the ineffectiveness of the present. Go in for counselling and coaching and healing therapies and you will find much relief. You would have to rebuild your lost energies from the childhood unpleasant memories. Difficult childhoods do disrupt our thinking and making one’s thinking and choices irrational. Do not lose faith and neither should you try to set it all right in one go. Work on yourself step by step with systematic therapy and you will be able to turn your life around just as so millions of people around the world have been able to.

Dear Madhu It would be advisable to take a few counselling sessions that can support you to use effective communications with your child. When children have become de-motivated and irresponsible from a fall out of wrong choices and addictions we can become frustrated and add to the problem. The child feels pressured, put down or controlled with our telling.

You need to have talks with him on a different level and ones that can get his engagement that is a blend of assertive and empathic. This takes some orientation and training that when I have worked with other parents has yielded great results and can be a better option to trying to medicate the child straight off to get him calmed down and off the drugs. In any case he would not co-operate with that treatment regimen either.

It is best to be able to appeal to some part of the child’s wisdom and faith in himself combined with limit setting that could help. Our fear of his tantrum can make us part of the problem. Neither can we get fearless and impose total control as this will not work either. We can show him how we choose our responses to him from a higher self and not from fear and this can be effective to awaken the child’s higher self too. A word of caution here is that this needs training and calming our mind else you may feel that you do this though you are only moralizing. Getting the child to reflect will need our own healing, calming and training.

Your husband seems to be in the marriage for reasons other than what you may have thought. This must feel distressing. When things turn out not as we expected we feel helpless and are in the midst of a loss. We are at a place of conflict. The first conflict is whether to delude ourselves that this is not so or to recognize that this loss exists. The second conflict follows that if this is the situation then we have a choice to recognize we can cope versus deciding we are broken. Agreed we may go through tears and feeling low. We need to decide that no matter how bad we can have possibilities to make it better for ourselves and exist with or without the other. Only then can we be calm and firm with the other and seek to understand how he sees marriage and what he expects.

So do not explain, instead ask useful open questions, not moralistic or closed questions that have only one expected right answer. Thus do not say “Don’t you think as a husband you cannot be like this?” Instead you can ask “Something seems to be different in how we think, presently we talk very little on your visits. Can you share with me how much time you see as would be good for us to be together as a couple and what are your difficulties about this? This way I can understand better too to be more peaceful than pressurizing with you.”

Seek appropriate support to feel centred. Even though the other person is wrong we need to use positive communications to get authentic answers that can help us decide what we will tolerate or not and what our possibilities are or not. A hyper way of asking questions can shut the other person and we can then never know what is going on in their minds. We have to come across open minded to hear anything peacefully and know we will do the coping later. Our own fear stops us wanting to know what is happening and our hyper communications stop us knowing.

Later we can decide what to do or say to the other after we have drawn out the story. Sometimes we may walk out of a situation, sometimes we may get a common understanding and live more harmoniously with the differences whether right or wrong, and sometimes we may tolerate something unacceptable in a more assertive way simply because other possibilities are not available to us in our life circumstances.

You will find such resources advertised in the magazine itself. The website emofree.com explains it too. There will be many practitioners in delhi that can teach this to you and your ne searches can also give you clues. Once you identify some people check their qualifications. It is useful to learn this from those trained in EFT, in psychology and psychotherapeutic skills.

Yes I am in India and am contactable for counselling for marriage, relationship and personal issues