Ameeta Sanghavi Shah
Ameeta is certified in Family Therapy from Washington University at St Louis, U.S.A and has a double Master in Social Work from Mumbai University and Washington University, St Louis. She has an NLP Master Practitioner’s and Trainer’s Certification from National Federation of Neuro Linguistic Programming, U.S.A. & has done certificate courses in NLP from U.K. She is trained in clinical hypnotherapy, regression therapy, somatic experiencing and in EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique).
Ameeta has been practicing as a psychotherapist and trainer using the family therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, rational emotive therapy, neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), meditation, creative visualization and hypnotherapy. She has written a weekly column for Pune Times for over 2 years and was on the Zee TV show Sangini.
She has conducted workshops for organizations on Self Development and Positive Living – adopting a proactive attitude to life and work, Strengthening Motivation, Communication and Interpersonal Skills - Assertiveness, Conflict Management, Managing Relationship Stress, Empowered Parenting, Reducing Co-dependency in relationships, Stress management and Relaxation Techniques.
She shall answer your questions on dealing with the emotional problems of life.
Ask Ameeta Sanghavi Shah
Question 136. There is a misunderstanding and little bit of miscommunication between me and my wife. As she is carrier oriented woman and her main priority is her career. My parents were against her job and do u know despite of all pros and cons i was standing with her and supporting her decision. I dont want to loose her because i love her a lot. Please doctor help me out. I am really very very upset with this. - Ali On 12 April 2011
This is a common concern for many couples today. Women will now no longer be satisfied with the routines of house work which can be non-rewarding and non-stimulating to them when they have developed their talents and knowledge. Change in society is so rapid that people have difficulty adjusting to the degree of change. This is something you can share with your parents that change
is here to stay and we will have to adjust to changed needs of younger generations. These changed needs are not because of unreasonable priority but because one cannot avoid giving that priority.
For example no one can avoid using a cell phone or dealing with others who will use them.
First you can be clear about the issue for yourself that being career oriented is not what your wife
is simply strong about – it is what society is making strong for all today too. It can be fine and can
be an advantage to the family. By itself there could be nothing wrong with it as long as a couple
team-works to attend to social and household needs and even outsources some of them. Do not
try to rank priorities. For example if you enjoy and love good food it does not mean you give it
more priority than your work or your family. We give importance to many things and they are not
in competition with each other. These interests co-exist in us. It is the same way with your wife. Of
course though some compromises would happen.
You can talk to your wife one on one and help her to know you are with her and in the midst of the
conflict it was difficult to stop the insistence of your parents. You can let her know you will sort it
out with your parents in private. Trying to get all to agree in front of each other will only be a battle.
Spend some time listening to her without getting defensive and hear her point of view. This way she
will calm down. You can now give your reasons for those actions of yours that she did not like. And
also plan with her whether you can act differently next time or what is possible to do. Very often it is
necessary to discuss the difference between what we consider right to do and what can be possible
to do or get someone to do. So though you may see her point of view you may not be able to get
your parents to behave how one thinks they should.
Talk to your parents - one on one and help each one realize this is the situation in many homes and
the changes sweeping society. A woman too needs to keep up with her times. Plan with them how
they feel affected and what possibility could be there for them other than your wife stopping work.
You could have additional help at home (a cook or a part time driver or taxi arrangements or ready
made food) or create more entertainment facility for them at home so they feel calmer about this
Also since you clearly wish to keep your marriage and career is important for your wife it will be
something your parents will need to adjust to. Let them know this clearly. Let go the need for your
parent’s approval and let them know that whether they see you as being dominated by your wife as
she works, you do not care. You have your own confidence in yourself and you are not dominated,
you are making a choice. All of us need to adjust to something in a marriage so we should not feel
dominated when we adjust – it is a necessity. You can gently and firmly point out to your parents
that they have kept their marriage and they should not interfere and let you keep yours. For any
service they miss with the daughter in law working, they can plan with you for alternate facilities
that are quite available today.
Question 137. I am 37 yr old doctor,married for 8 yrs. I am having trouble conceiving second time.Earlier my husband, also a doctor, was willing but now he says that he is not interested as it is too much of trouble. my in laws and husband do not want a girl child again.there is no financial problem as such .At my age, i want to try one last time.i feel that my husband is being selfish as he has always kept his priorities at first place rather than mine.he gets angry and threatens me that he will leave me now or after few years so that he can enjoy his own life,also that if i want the baby i will have to raise him up alone.This situation has worsened in last month.i am sad and deeply hurt.What should I do ? - Shweta Sharma On 23 June 2011
This is a tough place you are at and one feels helpless with the other person who is fixed in their thinking and choices. First rather than see it as one is right and other is wrong, see that both of you have a major difference in your thinking about life. Instead of seeing him as selfish you can let him know that you see his point of view of the difficulty of raising a child at an older age and that he prefers a son as compared to a daughter as someone who will look after parents in old age. You
can then persuade him that if it is a girl then girls today can care as much for parents, and that you will be the more active partner and whether he can at least be supportive. You may even consider counselling to help you sort out the difference.
If he is unwilling to re-consider, you would have to think through very carefully what your priorities are and move this issue from the place of being helpless with him to one where you are making the most manageable choice for yourself with the fact of this difference.
The choices you have with the way your husband thinks would be either to separate and have your
child independently through adoption or other medical means or to continue to live with your husband and completely let go this issue of having a child, focus on making your life individually and in the marriage more satisfying or thirdly to insist on having a child staying in the marriage and in opposition
of your husband accepting that the responsibility will be yours.
Every decision has a price gain and you have to make the choice for yourself that will be most
functional and manageable for you. Being in the marriage is the gain of being married of having
the ‘married’ role in society and the security of shared finances and arrangements. The price is you can’t have the child. Being separate you have the price of being on your own for all arrangements and gain of being able to have the child.
The third option would be tough. You have to take as given that your husband and in laws are not supportive about a child. Having and raising a child not only without support but in fact with opposition will be like setting yourself up for problems. Children are moody and not going to behave as you want
so having a child with one partner against the decision can be stressful. Unless you can remain non-blaming and raise your child with other help you will create a very conflicted environment for your child. You would also be blamed for any misbehaviours of the child and then you are likely to be a tense parent for the child. Counselling can help you manage this situation more peacefully.
Is your priority the child or the marriage? You are at this choice point. So be at peace with any of the three choices and think whether you can handle the consequences of the choice without blaming the other. Plan how you will handle the consequences as well as be mentally prepared for these and then make that choice. Realize that whatever you choose is not in competition with your husband but to handle the difference. Otherwise this one argument will remain undecided and only cause bitterness
for your marriage and life.
Question 138. Through out my life i try to be honest and follow path of self respect to my self but now i feel people take advantage of my kindness. - Ravindra Rana On 1 July 2011
It is wonderful that you are a value based person and watchful of your actions.
However values need to be held in balance. We have a duty to care for others and at the same time there is a responsibility of caring for oneself. So we need to balance doing for others along with what is possible for oneself, what will not make us be taken for granted or feel ‘used’. If we have too much other workload we may refuse to take on work and direct the person to others.
Instead of blaming another person for demanding too much we need to take the responsibility to
say ‘no’. Whilst saying ‘no’ we can be honest with tactful excuses so we say ‘no’ in a way that does not hurt the other person. We cannot take the role of trying to improve anybody and telling them not to take advantage, instead we need to set limits. For example we may say to a friend that they can call for advice but at the same time we may let them know not to call at our work or rest times.
Question 139. I am 31 yrs married lady facing certain problems at home, at office and not finding any solution.Can you help?
- Diksha Sharma On 23 July 2011
You have not mentioned the problems you face at home and at office. However whatever the problems, solutions are definitely possible, not always in the way we demand but from new levels of
awareness of our circumstances and of our choices. Most often we think that since the problem lies outside, the solution would be outside ourselves too.
The outside situations and other people’s behaviours are not in our control. What we can control is how we could better understand what is happening and what our perceptions are. We could check what we want happening with our own response first and what we want from the other. We can then explore what resources and possibilities exist and the consequences they would create. Finally we could decide which resources and possibility would suit us most.
This is best understood by recognizing the fault can be outside us but our power lies within us and
in our response to the situation. Our response will be the most effective when we can manage our
outcomes and values in some way. Our response requires that we can calm down no matter the
situation, and instead of an impulsive reaction we could think and choose how to cope. As it is said “It
matters not so much what happens to us as what we do with what happens to us.”
Question 140. I am 41 now, at the age of 30 i lost my mother & at 31 my father. Since then my mother repeatedly comes in my dreams & i cry hysterically & ask her why did you go.she is present in that dream but does not react. Kindly inform what does this dream imply. - Sanjeev Uppal On 2 August 2011
Death is tough with its finality and when it happens we are shocked even though it is a known fact that
death is a part of life. Losing both your parents within a year of each other would be painful. However
you have got stuck in this pain and not been able to heal.
Grief is thought of as letting go but it is also about remembering our lost ones in peace. See your
sadness as your love for your parents and crying as a way of expressing that love. Then maybe you
can choose other ways of expressing this love, sometimes a prayer, sometimes lighting a lamp for
them daily or doing a charitable act in their memory.
You have not mentioned how you lost them. Obviously they died at a young age by today’s standards.
You could also know that their life is not so much its length but about how well they lived their lives.
Though they are gone you have with you all the values you learnt and love you received with them.
Prepare for your dream before you sleep by closing your eyes and deciding when you meet her in the
dreams you will meet her calmly. You can plan what you want to say to her apart from asking why she
went. You may want to express your feelings and any unfinished matters. You may receive answers
from her in symbolic form or you may sense her feelings or take the message from her expression.
Her non reaction may be a way of showing her calmness, or of her asking you to be calm, it could be
her own shock at her death if her life ended suddenly. Her non reaction can also be her expression of
not knowing how to move on when you are so stressed. You can express your thoughts and feelings
to her in peaceful ways not in agitated ways that will be disturbing to her and not allow her to move
on to the spirit levels. So let her know you miss her and love her and that she needs to and can move
on. Feel an intention of releasing her energies back to her and receiving your own energies back from
her. Say your good bye to her and let her look up and feel the light where others who are departed
or beings from the light will come to receive her. Let her know she will be fine and let her go in peace.
After preparing thus you will be able to sleep well and handle any dreams with her in the same manner.