Dear Archna, You may first need to connect with your son and rather than telling him his weaknesses. You could explore how he feels about the career he has chosen and how keen he is. Your son needs guidance and the first step to encourage him to explore what he wants in his life, what challenges does he see for this, how his peers are handling this challenge, what alternatives he would think of if he did not get the needed scores in the exam. You need to be non-judgemental, relaxed and open-minded to hear his genuine thoughts and feelings. This is the stage he will be influenced by peers so this is not a defect. Many of the defects you mention are just states in growing up and becoming responsible. Only then will he be able to share.

Concentration goes and so does confidence if the stress is high. Stress here is not only of doing well in the competitive exam it is also of the future at stake and the fear of letting you down. Encourage him to set his goal but after that focus only on the efforts he needs to put in – his studying. If he does not get in he can be prepared by thinking of good alternatives in other careers even with accepting if there is loss for a year in the process. Let him know something will work out. This will help him feel less insecure for his future and of letting you down as he has options that are ok with him and with you. He can know definitely that he can get success in life either by getting into medicine or with any other of the alternatives he has chosen. This will also increase his confidence. The fear of “what if he will not get in” can reduce self confidence.

Learning to do relaxation exercises such as ‘shavasana’ in ‘yoga’, connecting with nature can be rejuvenating with the arduous study he has to do. Co-ordinated breathing and movement exercises that are part of tai chi and yoga increase brain functioning. He can practice any sport too on three days a week to keep up his energy levels. Planning his study methods, creating notes and managing time for study and break timings will help him get his desires fulfilled.

Make him aware he has chosen a career that can feel very purposeful and fulfilling. However it is one that needs a lot of studying and this also for many years. The rewards from this career are far off and your 16 year old would need to be prepared to delay gratification in the now and for his life. The study period is intense, lot of hard work and medical studies takes many years too. Check with him that he is not feeling forced by anyone for this choice and whether he is prepared for this kind of study and the sacrifice of fun and pleasure he may have to do. Encourage him to know how peers who are also trying for the medical CET exam. Let him talk to seniors and how they studied and what they planned. Finally consulting a counsellor can also help him increase focus and confidence.

You are truly going through a tough time due to your husband’s negativities. You have taken the decision that allows you to support your son and yourself since you do not have vocational skills or financial resources to meet the physical needs. Turn this situation around in your mind first. Believe that this experience is here to teach you... maybe empathy for those who are harassed. It could be teaching you to train yourself to have the mind power for inner peace and keep confidence even when being harassed and blamed! It is surprising when we choose to look at a situation this way we stop being the victim that the person is making is be. We can recognize we are not helplessly here but because it is the best choice for ourself today with our total given circumstances. We are doing what we find possible to handle with its consequences.

Practice discounting the idea that you are to blame and know that this is something he is doing to manage his frustrations and not face his sense of failure. It is his weakness and you are ok. Having an inner voice that recognizes this clearly helps. He may pick on your ‘mistakes’ to blame you and you can have an inner bold stance to the fact that you are ok and human even with the mistakes and cannot be perfect. Feel a strong belief, acceptance and appreciation of yourself and your strengths. Practice appreciating yourself at times when you do something well or notice a good quality of yours. His harassment will have less and less effect though it will remain an irritant.

Is this taunting and hurting only verbal or physical too? If it is physical you can make a complaint with the police or an NGO, leave a note about it with a close friend and let him know that others know and he cannot harass you physically as this will go against him. If it is verbal the above practice can help. In addition do not think of separation and instead plan on a study course, it is possible to do online short courses or self educate oneself with reading in a chosen field. In the modern world no age is too old to start anything. Build your physical health with exercise and right nutrition. As you study some skill or subject that interests you it can offer possibility for a small vocation. Even though this may not financially be enough it will build your self esteem and happiness for life.

Notice times at which you have the have the harassment and time you do not. Maximize the use of your time without his presence to rest, have fun and build yourself. This will make his harassment lose its power over you. Build your friend circle, volunteer to build skills, network and confidence. When you have a reputation outside that’s strong your husband cannot spoil it much. Build your relationship with your son, let him know that when his dad insults it is wrong action though as a father he is fine in other ways.

Lastly are there any things your husband does right, then it will help to appreciate those actions. When his self esteem is better he may behave better. Do not flatter him else he will behave more egoistic. Make small casual comments and also try to have conversations on neutral topics. Also if he remains negative and you are able to stay out of the house for errands for your child or for any other reason without his objections you can reduce the time you have to be around him. Be creative in thinking how you can cope and experiment with possibilities. Keep faith in yourself.

To make a commitment to any goal and not break at any cost is something every person struggles with. Goals need to be self maintained first and foremost. That is when the action for them is in your hands not in other’s hands. Thus if you say my goal is that mysister should care for me, or that my family should be happy then these goals are not self maintained! They will run into trouble. Better goals would be “My goal is to persuade my sister to care for me” or “I intend to do things that my family feels good about.”

The quality of our goals sets our commitment. Are we setting up a goal from the heart and with a strong belief in its vision? Do we see full purpose with it? Goals need to be examined for anything that stops one achieving them. There could be beliefs or fears or conflicting needs that can block our commitment that we can recognize when we ask ourselves “What stops me? Is there any discomfort with achieving this goal that I envisage?” Clearing these fears and changing these beliefs can release the energy for the goal. Fears are often based on beliefs and these can be sorted out. E.g. someone wants a promotion but they feel it will be too much hard work. This is a belief and can be reflected on and one would realize that the work may be manageable depending on being organized.

Goals need to be well formulated - clear, specific, achievable and time bound. They shouldn’t be so overwhelming that you give up. The happiness of having the final outcome and especially the gains of a small step accomplished can be the focus. This focus can be enhanced with imaging it and sensing it. One’s steps towards one’s goals feel strenuous so whilst thinking of the steps its helps to bring in the energy of the image of the final outcome with the thought “It will feel so good when I’ve done it.” One may draw in one’s team or one’s close trusted well wishers into our goal too.

Finally we need setback strategies. When roadblocks occur it may be useful to not use pressure as much as using persuasion and problem-solving so you keep most people with you, as you achieve. Being quick to act helps us not to tire of the goals and we can know that mistakes are information rather than failures that are guiding us on how to go forward. This can keep up our optimism and bring in true learning of ideas and steps for the goal. Our self talk about what happens and what we want to do can be positive and realistic. Generally that is possible when during some setback, we only target our processes and habits as needing change rather than conclude about ourselves or our life as being totally useless. Reading stories of how people overcame setbacks to achieve their various dreams can keep us in the right frame too. So all the best on your path to achieve your dreams and for more fulfilment in your life!

Confidence means believing in one’s own capability. For this adopt an attitude of being as if you were your own best friend and check what you would think about yourself or advice yourself to say and do. One never goes wrong in getting the best friend voice that is a mix of love, acceptance of mistakes and unchangeables, appreciations and expectation of doing the right actions for ourselves.

Secondly, we need to connect to ourselves at times when we are alone and check in to how we feel and what we think about ourselves. This is what we may call our ‘self definition’. We define ourselves against certain standards. Very often these are borrowed standards from the influences of advertisements and other’s opinions. Asking ourselves questions on what we value and what behaviours and actions would fulfil those values can help us to know our standards. Other’s opinions can be something we can reflect on and finally be the ones to accept those or reject them. So we are not dominated by other’s opinions though we may look at them and see if they make sense to us. When we have understood our choices and behave according to them whether in matters of style, presentation, ethics or life choices we can feel more confident. We are in charge of how much to match others ideas or where and how to oppose them One can also list out one’s self defined strengths, values, goals, abilities and past achievements. One can do this in writing.

Then we can introspect the meaning of approval from others. We may have put strong expectations on ourselves of being too perfect or to have to maintain a past image of being knowledgeable or popular. In reality people around you could be accepting. We can learn to be more relaxed about our social expectations from ourselves.

You can consult a psychotherapist too to get over past traumas of put downs or humiliations and this helps us further be unaffected by what others may think. Learning and practicing social skills of conversation, tactfulness and assertion helps us to feel more comfortable with others too.

It can be an enjoyable journey to strengthen one’s confidence and feel comfortable with others.

Yes surely you may be able to attend NLP training. It does not need any prior qualification other than an interest in it. It does require an indepth study and practice of the processes to acquire the skills. This is rewarding for personal and professional life in understanding and motivating self and others towards excellence and getting more happiness and success in life. ESP training requires one to enter the stillness of mind with regular meditative practices and connecting to the senses, feelings and body sensations. It is important to be simultaneously grounded in the practical tasks of daily living and earning as else our ESP can be misguided. You can understand the mind as a ball of energy all around and within us with the centre of this being our stomach and belly region. Strengthening the vibrancy of one’s energy field happens with meditating on the chakras, and imagining white light protection around and within ourselves. Patience is essential as people to develop their ESP get into trusting the wrong people or using substances to make this happen in a hurry. Slow and steady are important here with regular practices, reading and observation. Through this awareness one can be tuned in to one’s ‘gut’ reactions, one’s dreams and messages we receive from within whether in image form or as a voice within.