To have success in married life we need to know how to live with differences. Learn how to negotiate positively, use requests and not demands, problem solve with the other about their discomfort in adjusting to our needs. We can make it easy for them by prioritizing our demands or asking for what we want in less stressful ways.

Today the male and female roles are not so compartmentalized so both men and women have to pitch in with each other’s spheres of work of home and career and be interested in your partner’s comfort needs and your partner’s growth of their potentials and talents.

Having a view of the larger relationship with out taking anything for granted of your partner’s positive qualities can help one tolerate small hurts and disappointments without exaggerating them and making them the cause of break up. In a relationship you are going to meet some disappointments. One has to know the gains of the relationship and choose to tolerate the loss areas one feels – it is package deal. If you want your partner to change you cannot demand it but you can be motivating with the other in getting the other to change. Motivating another happens when they feel good with us, we have rapport with them and they feel understood by us, we do not pressurize but give choices and explore possibilities, we can accept some ‘no’ of the other in respectful way with out resorting to emotional blackmail or taking it as a rejection and it happens when we show how we adjust and do for them. Being assertive not aggressive is also a much needed skill in marriage. It is no good being a ‘pleaser’ and then feeling cheated. You have also to know how to say ‘no’ tactfully sometimes and make your preferences known to other.

After a baby’s birth life changes and we are not able to have our own free time. Our time now belongs to the baby and goes according to the baby’s schedule. Since your husband is of a soft mind and you know him to be sensible do bring up the topic of feeling neglected in a non-blaming manner. You can say it tactfully that he may not realize the gap or he may think he cannot disturb you when with a baby, however you are missing his attention and love and you are feeling he is formal with you. Ask him if he is hurt about something, ask if he fiinds the changes of having a baby difficult for him in termsof losing your attention. Both of you may now need to plan how you can create time together and have any help caring for baby or how you would let him know your free time as and when the baby is asleep You can even write some of these feeling and ideas in a short loving note to him that you plan and write carefully. If you do not resolve this by opening up directly and carefully you will lose control more and more as you already are and this can be too destructive to your relationship. You may think you are not getting his attention. He may be thinking you now are too busy being parent and do not care for him. Involve him in the baby’s progress with short text messages or sharing with him daily the happenings about the baby. Some men are awkward around babies and you can bring the baby near him or encourage him to hold the baby or play with it.

Plan your confidence building with small steps. Make your expectations small – like you will only make brief eye contact and give a smile. Once habituated to this you will expect little more from yourself. You can pace your expectations to talk face to face with lowered expectations that you increase gradually. Practice with friends and know people whom you can open out about your issue and then gradually you can be confident with others. Mental rehearsals can help where you can close your eyes and use your imagination to visualize the face to face interaction happen successfully. Preparing some small conversation sentences can help. Talk to a psychologist and strengthen your coping skills, your conversations skills and confidence. Sub conscious mind programming and releasing of past unwanted programs from past negative experiences can create major shift in confidence.

It is not abnormal to have different sexual needs as this is same with any of our other needs. However the solution of social networking sites may not be a useful solution for a healthy marriage. Such interactions can become highly addictive and will slowly create more distance in your marriage and may take you away from work and family. Partners have differences in their lifestyle choices such as how much and how to entertain, socialize, food and eating habits, ambition for achievement etc. Marriage is a compromise for these areas in adjusting to each others lifestyle preferences and negotiating with each other , communicating in positive ways that motivate the other person to do things in mutually supportive ways. Today with all the possibilities form technology everyone goes into the individualistic non tolerant mindset of feeling “I should get what I want and why should I be deprived?” However marriage involves living with some disappointments for the sake of other important benefits of the marriage and then slowly working with your partner to find mutually compromised and acceptable solutions. Sex is an area of higher frustration as other differences a person can satisfy on their own more easily. Here the co-operation of your marital partner is almost a necessity. It can be useful to go beyond a ‘good marital relationship’ to more emotional bonding with knowing your partner’s frustrations and fears and disappointments as also routines and joys. This bonding makes it easier especially for women to be more open to the sexual needs of their partner and it would create a supported feeling that would give you more control over your sexual needs. Also high sexual needs can be explored with a therapist as often high sexual needs are a pattern of escaping and not resolving one’s frustrations, inadequacy feelings, fears and emotional distress. Instead facing our original emotional distress with acceptance and problem solving will take away the exaggerated needs.

Yes this is difficult as you are living away from family and then to think of 6 months separation again.

How have your family taken it? Their pain can cause you more difficulty and if they see this as one team where the goals are mutual and your gain and sacrifice is their gain and sacrifice too then you can accept this better.

I do not know the urgency of your visit to Australia and if the company can understand your feelings and the mental health concerns behind these feelings and they can see it as win-win for themselves and you for your feelings to be resolved, then you could get some leave sanctioned to you and visit them in Delhi or have a small holiday with your family. This can be holiday that is not hectic, not of sight seeing but of going to a small hill station that can offer peaceful time together. Such holidays together can help you catch up on lost time since you can have undisturbed and relaxed time together. Your family also feels attended to and you don’t feel guilty. Alternatively your family could visit you at Hyderabad for a few days and even if there is not enough room in your apartment they could stay at a hotel but get time with you. During their stay in Hyderabad you can plan few days off. May be even you can think if your wife can get a holiday with you in Australia for sometime.

Sometimes we do not do all these things due to the extra cost of the holiday or of the family to travel to Hyderabad yet sometimes in life that spending is as worth as investment in gold. Investing our money to create our time together is very valuable to recognize. Like when you take a taxi home instead of a bus you spend more money but you get the time to relax and bond and this money on taxi is an investment.

Also sometimes solutions to such moments do not happen because we are being too sincere and not delegating to take the time off before going abroad as we are over committed thinking that we must only do all the work ourselves. We do not negotiate enough with the company to make our needs known. Whilst you may not be able to negotiate settling in Delhi before travelling to Australia you could at least negotiate some leave or some allowance for Delhi visit or allowance for family to visit you. Or maybe you could delay the departure date to Australia by few days. You have to actively let your company know your needs in a constructive way suggesting options by approaching the right decision maker in the company. The options would be such that would work for company requirements and for your psychological needs too. A counselor can help you with working on your negotiation skills tactfully so you do not disturb your work relationships either. Many ideas in a negotiation can make it better for us. If none of the above ideas are workable you can factor in an extended leave when you return from Australia as a condition of not taking leave now and looking after the company’s crisis time. This can help you let go the guilt or resentment you feel right now. In short work on ‘good enough’ compromises and possibilities and make this situation more workable.