Feminism - Nursing a wounded culture
by Suma Varughese
Meet Will Keepin and Cynthia Brix whose work is helping heal the wounds dealt by a patriarchal culture by bringing wholeness and balance to both men and women
A couple of months back I
participated in a three-day workshop
on gender reconciliation by the
US-based husband-wife couple
William Keepin and Cynthia Brix.
It was a powerful experience. Men
and women courageously shared
experiences that would normally
have been shrouded in secrecy - of
being raped, or of being a victim of
incest, or of being betrayed in love.
These and other stories highlighted
the all-pervasive impact of gender in
our lives.
Will and Cynthia proved to
be masterly facilitators, bravely
encouraging the participants to lay
bare their deepest hurt, but quick
to spread the balm of empathy
and respect over them. In those
three days, we were exposed to the
universality of pain, the wounds
all of us bear under our impeccable
facades.
As a woman I have become more
sensitive to the pain men bear and
which in turn they may perpetuate.
Will and Cynthia have been
attempting to heal this vicious cycle
for the last 19 years through their
Power of Reconciliation work as
directors of the Satyana Institute.
Will is an environmental scientist,
transpersonal psychologist and spiritual
director. Cynthia is an interfaith
minister, spiritual director, and
producer of the DVD, Cultivating
Women's Spiritual Mastery.
Their books are Divine Duality:
The Power of Reconciliation
between Women and Men (2007)
and Women Healing Women (2009).
They have trained over 50 professional
facilitators in the United
States, South Africa, and Kenya in
the Power of Reconciliation work.
This year they are launching a new
training in India. Those interested
can contact the names given at the
end of the article.
Excerpts from an email interview:
The premise of this anniversary
issue is that only when male and
female energies are balanced,
will we see an era of peace,
balance and harmony. Do you
have any thoughts on that?
Yes indeed, harmony and balance
between women and men is absolutely
essential to peace on Earth,
and to peace in every society on
earth. As the writer DH Lawrence
put it, “The future of humanity
depends on relations not between
nations, but relations between
women and men.” Today, over onethird
of all households are directly
afflicted by symptoms of domestic
violence, and at least another third
are afflicted by psychological forms
of dysfunction and abuse. Social,
political, and religious institutions
are replete with patriarchal gender
imbalance. All of this creates a society
divided against
itself, and such a
society cannot stand
in the long run.
Unjust imbalance
and discord between
masculine and feminine
exists at virtually
every social
level: the individual
person, the family
unit, the community,
the nation, and
the entire human
family.
In your work you have seen so
much damage and pain caused
by the patriarchal system on both
men and women. Do you think
the system is changing?
Will: We are seeing many positive
signs. Men are beginning to
change, for example. The Indian
men who participated in our
recent workshop in Mumbai were
very gracious and sincere in their
declarations of commitment – to
listen more deeply to women,
Partnering change: Participants at a Power of
Reconciliation workshop
to
honour the feminine, to work
to uplift their sisters. These men
listened very courageously to
women’s pain, something rarely
addressed in open forums such
as the one created in the Power of
Reconciliation work. We are seeing
men stepping forward prepared to
do their part in deconstructing the
patriarchy, and realising that quite
beyond so-called male privilege,
the real male privilege is to begin
taking apart the caste system of
gender that has created so much
damage over the centuries.
Cynthia: The patriarchal system
that perpetuates violence and
injustice against women and men
is created and maintained by all of
us – by the mere fact that we live
and operate within the dysfunctional
system.
One key way to change the patriarchal
system is for all of us – men
and women alike – to begin to
change ourselves. We must take
the time to genuinely look within
our own hearts and minds, consider
how we treat other people,
and become aware of our own
harmful behaviors and complicit
thought patterns. Once we begin
to know and understand ourselves
more completely, we will find new
space in our hearts to be kind and
loving to those closest to us, as well
as to strangers on the street.
Things are changing for the better.
Let me give an example from
our own work conducted five years
ago for Members of Parliament in
Cape Town, South
Africa. The training
group was convened
for six days, during
which we heard
many poignant stories
of personal suffering
recounted
by the women and
men living within
the patriarchal system.
Toward the end
of the workshop, an
essential component
of our work entails
the men and women
creating ceremonies to honour and
bless one another.
In the men’s ceremony to honour
the women, the men silently
escorted each woman one-by-one
into the room. The 16 women sat
in a semi-circle, somewhat anxiously
anticipating what the men
would offer, and totally mystified
by the towering edifice in front
of them. There was a 3-meter
structure, reaching to the ceiling,
built of metal chairs stacked one
upon the other. The men began
their ceremony with a heart-
warming prayer. Then one man
announced, “This structure represents
the patriarchal system that
has wounded and harmed each
of us. As your brothers, we commit
to you – our sisters – to do
everything in our power to break
down this system of oppression
and injustice.” At that moment,
two of the men standing on each
side of the structure pulled on the
legs of the bottom chairs. There
was a thundering “CRASH!” The
women gasped as this strategically
built structure collapsed before
their eyes. Then each of the nine
men proclaimed his commitment
to do his part in deconstructing the
unjust system of patriarchy.
As Margaret Mead famously
said, “Never doubt that a small
group of thoughtful, committed
citizens can change the world.
Indeed, it is the only thing that
ever has.” This group of nine men
followed through on their commitment
by taking the initiative to
bring the work of gender healing
and reconciliation to South Africa.
As a result of their efforts, this past
year 33 South African women and
men have been trained as professional
facilitators in the Power
of Reconciliation initiative. They
are now facilitating workshops in
Cape Town, Johannesburg, and
Durban at multiple levels of society,
including health professionals,
NGO leaders, prisons, teachers
and youth, university students,
religious and government leaders,
and activists.
In what ways do you think men
need to change in order to have a
healthy relationship with themselves,
women, and society?
This is a loaded question, because
we must be very cautious when
being prescriptive about how
men and women should be. That
said, certainly many changes are
needed. Because we are focusing in
this interview on India, perhaps we
might offer some suggestions within
a specifically Indian context.
Consider the story of Draupadi
in the Mahabharata. We have not
encountered in any other culture’s
scriptures such a clear articulation
of the profound dilemma of patriarchal
injustice, and the consequences
that befall a society which
blatantly ignores this problem.
There is tremendous insight here,
and also some clear guidelines
for how women and men need to
change.
By way of brief background:
Yudishthira gambles away his
kingdom in a dice game, and finally
stakes his wife, Princess Draupadi,
and loses her as well. So Draupadi
becomes a slave, and she is dragged
by her hair into the Royal Court
by the winning party, the Kauravas,
led by Durodhyana. Draupadi
makes a bold appeal for justice to
the assembled Kuru elders. She
argues that because Yudishthira
lost himself before he put her up
as a stake in the dice game, he had
no authority over her. She further
declares that the dice game was
unfair because the opposing party
did not put up equal stakes in the
game.
Draupadi is clear and forthright,
her arguments brilliant, her logic
impeccable. No one can refute her.
Yet none of the esteemed Kuru
elders intervenes on her behalf.
Unprotected by the very pillars of
society who should be jumping to
her aid, Draupadi is defenseless.
A jubilant Duryodhana orders
his deputy Dushassana to strip
Draupadi naked before the
assembled multitudes in the royal
court. The venerated Kuru elders
– the highest political and military
statesmen and religious leaders
in the land – merely cast their
eyes downward. Vidura, one of
Duryodhana’s 99 brothers, appeals
to the assembled elders to do their
duty and intervene to protect the
royal daughter-in-law, but none
of the leaders makes a move.
Bhishma, the senior statesman
and normally a man of the highest
ethical standards, offers a pitifully
inadequate response, saying that
“morality is subtle.”
The Kuru elders’ crippling
silence bespeaks a profound
betrayal of Draupadi, and symbolically
the betrayal of the feminine.
Whenever any woman, anywhere
in the world, is violated or unjustly
oppressed and then turns to the
social and religious authorities –
only to find justice thwarted or
denied by patriarchal institutions,
she is symbolically reliving this disturbing
drama of Draupadi. She is
doubly betrayed, first by the violation
itself, and second by justice
denied.
In the case of the Mahabharata,
Draupadi appeals directly to the
divine Lord Krishna, who works
a miracle to save her and protect
her honour. Draupadi cannot be
stripped. In her moment of crisis,
Draupadi fulfills one of the key
teachings of the Bhagavad Gita,
which is to abandon all dharmas
and take refuge in the Divine alone
- here symbolised by Krishna. The
flagrant violation of Draupadi is a
major cause for the war that ensues
after the Pandavas’ 13-year exile.
Despite being vastly outnumbered,
the Pandavas led by Arjuna are
ultimately victorious.
So how do men and women need
to change?
Let us consider the lessons of this
story, starting with men. The
Kuru society is unable to protect
its women – including even the
royal princess Draupadi – from
the corruption and rapacious violence
within its own ranks. This
is the condition of contemporary
society as well. Like the blind
king Dhritarashtra and the other
Kuru elders, many contemporary
men exhibit a similar, complicit
denial of the profound violations
of women in a patriarchal society.
It’s not that the majority of men
approve of women’s oppression,
any more than Bhishma or Drona
approved of Drapaudi’s violation.
They may even give lip service
to women’s emancipation. But if
men are not willing to directly confront
these issues and take action
to deconstruct the patriarchal system,
they become passively complicit
in the resulting injustice. The
role of Krishna in this story bears
some similarity to the role of Jesus
when he intervened to protect the
woman accused of adultery. Had
Jesus stood idly by, as the Kuru
elders did, she would have been
murdered on the spot, and those
who stoned her would have gone
off scot-free, reinforced in their
ruthless self-righteousness.
In short, men need to behave
more like Arjuna, willing to stand
for what is right and fight for justice
if necessary – and less like
Duryodhana and Dushassana.
Older men need to take responsibility
for mentoring younger
men into becoming responsible,
compassionate servants of society
and protectors of women and
girls, rather than turning a blind
eye – as Bhishma, Drona, and
Dhritarashtra do – to the reckless
immaturity of men that often
perpetuates a rash violation of
women.
In what ways do women need to
change?
One needed change is for women to stand up
for themselves, and to support one another in
speaking their truth, rather than suppressing
their sisters, daughters, and mothers – as women
sometimes do. In short, women should behave
more like Draupadi does in this encounter with
the Kuru elders: speaking the truth to patriarchal
power with dignity and grace, and taking refuge
in the Divine, whatever her faith.
Indian women today tend to model themselves
after Sita, with her devotional reverence and
impeccable service to Rama. This is very beautiful,
of course, but it only seems appropriate when
their men behave in a loving and dignified manner
like Rama. When men start behaving like
Ravana, women should not subjugate themselves
to their will, but should instead be true to themselves
and stand up for what they know is right
– just as Draupadi did before the Kuru elders.
This can be challenging or even dangerous for
women at times, but when women act with pure
motives and integrity to transform the unjust
conditions of society, the divine Lord Himself
can and will work “miracles” on women’s behalf,
just as Krishna did in Draupadi’s case.
Another essential way that women need to
change entails how we treat one another. We
need to stop gossiping about each other and
putting one another down. We will never bring
healing and transformation of the patriarchy as
long as we are stabbing each other in the back
with our words and actions.
What do you need to happen to know when
your work is done?
We will know our work is done when any woman
– young or old – can walk down the streets alone
at night without a trace of fear. That would be
one indicator. Another indicator would be when
rape becomes almost non-existent, because of the
profound respect for women and girls in society.
People may think this is unrealistic, but it’s not.
We visited Shillong, Meghalaya, a
few years back where there is still a
matrilineal society, and the women
there told us that rape and sexual
violence were virtually unknown
before Western cultural values
came in. This is not to suggest that
we should all go back to a matrilineal
society, but this example shows
that human societies that respect
the feminine can virtually eliminate
rape.
What are the turning points that
have affected you both in your
journey of gender reconciliation?
Cynthia: At age 40 I had a major
experience of gender injustice
in the workplace. I was a middle
manager in a health and wellness
corporation in the United States.
A few months of taking the job, I
was sexually propositioned by the
co-founder of the company, who
was also the chairman of the board
of directors. He said, “Cynthia, I’ve
enjoyed getting to know you over
the past few months. Now it is time
to take our relationship to a deeper,
more intimate, sexual level.” I
immediately replied “No! I am not
interested. Our relationship is and
will remain entirely professional.”
Over the next several days at
work he continued to pressure
me. At that point, I felt like I had
only a few stark options. I could
go to bed with him. I could quit
my job quietly, never speaking a
word. Or, I could speak truth to
power and report this man to the
CEO of the company. I hoped –
however naively – that the senior
management, all of whom were
men, might want to reconcile
with me and move beyond what
had happened. My boss who had
propositioned me apologised for
his actions. But the corporation
retaliated against me, and hired
six attorneys to my one. In the
end I decided that fighting on was
not the answer. I had spoken my
truth and found the power of my
own voice. My work was to bring
more healing and understanding
between women and men in loving
and compassionate ways. And
thus I was led to join the Power
of Reconciliation project. This was
over 10 years ago, and the work has
transformed my life.
Will: I encountered sexual
harassment and exploitation of
women in the workplace and a
small group of us set out to do
something about this. Another
turning point was my six years
of close collaboration with two
clinical psychologists. We worked
with more than 80 clients, most
of whom had experienced sexual
abuse, and this was a major
eye-opener to the magnitude
of suffering created by sexual
violation of all kinds. A third
turning point, which came out of
the previous two, was the founding
of the Power of Reconciliation
International project 19 years ago.
Over time I also began to
see how much they too need
liberation from the dysfunctional
and injurious system of patriarchy.
Because patriarchy denies men
their humanity, just as it does
women.
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