Raise your assertiveness rating Whatever your rating in the quiz remember that assertiveness is an acquired skill. It is the middle path between aggressive and passive behaviour. You are neither a bully demanding that others do your bidding nor do you accept whatever is demanded of you. You can learn to be assertive if you: • Decide that you want to be assertive rather than aggressive or passive. • Think about a recent conflict and imagine how you could have handled it in a more assertive way. • Practise talking in an assertive way alone or with a friend. • Respect the wants, needs and feelings of others, and accept that their viewpoints may be different from yours. • Take a problem-solving approach to conflict, and try to see the other person as your collaborator rather than your opposition. • Tell the other person honestly how you feel, without making accusations or trying to make them feel guilty. • Use assertive language such as ‘I feel’ and ‘I think’, rather than aggressive language such as ‘You always’ and ‘You never’. • Don’t interrupt others when they are talking, and try hard to listen and understand their point of view. • Suggest that you brainstorm ways to solve the problem together. • If the exchange doesn’t go well, learn from the experience and plan how you will do things a little differently next time. • Posture: when asserting yourself, keep your head, and your voice level. Refuse to be goaded into yelling back. • Tell the person you’ll take up the subject again at another time, and leave. • If you decide to stick it out—remain calm, steer the conversation back to the original point, and try to understand the other person’s point of view. • Appreciate that there may be other issues motivating their behaviour. • Don’t take heat-of-the-moment criticisms to heart.