by Louise A Williams

Life Positive is a beautiful magazine full of stories on how to have a well-balanced spiritual life. One of the tools in achieving a positive well-balanced spiritual life is in having positive relationships with the children in your family.

When children are born you must rely on your instincts and advice from others to bring them up. There is no operator's manual to read.

Some people are so frustrated at times that they use force to get children to toe the line. Others may even withhold meals or isolate a child in a small dark place. None of these need or should happen. With the right tools and knowledge, everyone can have positive loving relationships with their children.

Parenting is a full-time 24/7 job without vacations and without pay. Yet it can be, and is, the most rewarding part of anyone's life. As a parent there are numerous things you need to know so you can, in turn, teach your children. And if you do not know, you need to know where to go to get the appropriate answers to the unbelievable questions asked at any age.

Have you ever wondered how to build a strong family? One of the ways is to have a strong spiritual base and to instill positive values in all family members. But where does one start? The first place is by being a role model. Yes, it is that simple. If you want your children to be truthful, never ask them to lie when someone calls on the phone asking to speak with you . You must be the change you wish to see in your children, for your children will mimic you.

It is important to share in the various spiritual activities with your children to build a sense of oneness and then for you to model the importance of spirituality. If you want your children to develop positive values, you must first demonstrate them in your life and then teach them to your children.

One of the ways to develop positive values is to teach your children how to show respect for others. This may sound simple, but teaching can be quite difficult even under ideal situations. It is up to you to teach your children what your expectations are for their behavior. The first thing you must learn in teaching children is to remember to teach only when your children are calm and willing to listen.

Here are some additional ways you can use to teach and instill positive values:
o Be involved as a family in a charity or community project. In so doing, you are empowering your children with a sense of moral obligation to the community and world around them.
o Be an example by treating your children with respect and kindness. These will then be characteristics they also develop.
o Express your feelings and share emotional times with your children. Life gives us both happy and sad times. As these times occur, be sensitive to your children's feelings, even if they are different from your own. Don't be afraid to be human in front of or with your children. If you allow them to see you express your own feelings, they, in turn, will learn how to identify their own.
o Teach your children how to get along with others, follow instructions and to accept criticism from others. Have your children practice a skill before they need it. For example, in accepting criticism from others, teach them to:
1. First, look at the individual to show they are paying attention.
2. Second, say 'Okay or yes' in a calm pleasant voice to show they understand.
3. Third, teach them to never argue, but to be calm and learn from the criticism. If in disagreement with the criticism, have them wait until later to discuss the matter.
o Let your children know that you have positive expectations for their behavior. Teach them the behaviors you want them to have before they have to do them.
o Praise your children for the good that they do, no matter how small. Use praise as often as possible. In so doing, your children grow emotionally focusing on the positive. Remember, however, to praise only if it is warranted. If you focus on finding the good, you will find numerous praiseworthy behaviors in your children. There are three simple steps to follow when using effective praise:

Show your Approval. Every individual likes to be appreciated. Children who hear things like "I'm impressed!" or "Wow, that's great!" will work to receive more praise in the future…especially if the words are combined with a big smile and/or a hug.

Describe the Positive Behavior. Be sure to describe exactly what your child did so he/she understands what they did well. For example, say "Ashok, thanks for helping your brother do his homework."

Give a Reason. Children always benefit from knowing the consequences of their actions. They need to have a child's perspective on consequences, not the adult reason. For example, "Since you helped your brother do his homework, you both now will have more time for your own activities."

It is important to have warm open relationships with your children. To do this, here are some ideas to guide you.
o Spend time together as a family with all members! Improve your communication at home. Create an atmosphere in the home that is relaxed, so conversations flow easily. Work on projects together with your children, such as making a craft, cooking some delicious dish, running errands, etc. In this manner, the awkwardness of sitting down and talking about something your children have done becomes natural conversation over a shared task.
o Keep your conversations positive. Instead of telling your children what they should or should not do, ask questions to encourage your children to come up with ideas and decisions on their own. Be sure to always use praise as your child works to make decisions. For example, instead of saying, "Don't watch so much television," say something like, "I bet you would like to play with your friend."
o Be sure to listen to your children. When your children are talking with you, give them your full attention. Let your children know that they can feel comfortable talking with you about any subject. You must be open to listen and advise them.
o Always tell them the truth and not a made-up fable. For example, if one of your children asks you how babies are made, tell him/her an age-appropriate truth instead of a lie like, "the stork brought them." It is your responsibility as a parent to be able to discuss anything with your children and not have them learn from their peers or by experimentation. Keep in mind that when they ask the question, they are ready for the answer, regardless of age.
o When and if there are any problems, be sure to address what's really happening, not what you fear might be going on. Always talk about what has been discussed to make sure your children truly do understand.
o Spend time with your children. This cannot be stressed enough. You must do things with them. Eat together. Play games. Watch television. Go places. All children require attention and acceptance. You must be around to listen to them. To praise them. To console them. To encourage them. To share your life with them so they, in turn, share their lives with you.

In closing, there is no better investment of time and effort than in cultivating your relationship with your children, making it a source of lasting joy for you and them.