| Subject: Is anyone listening? |
| I started this journey because of my depression. I didnt know I was depressed, all I knew was that I wasnt happy and was very frustrated. When I started to meditate I was in my early twenties. I soon discovered I didnt have the patience for it. Now Im in my mid fortys and I have started again. I have been using one of those listening program to meditate, as they advertise meditate as deep as a Buddhist Monk. I have started my fifth month, and just last weekend I experienced just what the author of this website is explaining. I cant say that I went to the fifth level, but for the first time I was woke up to complete silence. I was appalled by this constant ringing in my ears. This was Sunday so I grabbed my dog and headed to the park. I soon found myself in a people situation and this is when I began to notice this thing called the mind working. I also noticed that I have what I call a meaning machine inside my head. I have to put a meaning to everything. For the first time in my life I was able to just sit back and watch and listen to this happen. (The observer). It was soon reveled to me why I attracted certain people, situations, and things in my life. Its because I have this idea (meaning) and dialogue of myself in myself. And its through this thought process that I define who I am. Like I said this has all just happened to me, over night. I was really beside myself with this. It got to be a little intense so I went out that night and had a few drinks and had to work getting back to my normal self. And I was but not a hundred percent. Thinks have settled down and now I think I’m ready for it to happen again. And sometimes when I listen very carefully, the ringing comes back and things start to get real quit. I guess what is really upsetting for me is now I really have a grip on knowing myself and to observe myself. Because I know that a lot of my self behavior patterns have been destructive and I really want to let those go but, and this is the real clincher, “it’s the only me I got”. I also know that I can not consciously do harm to myself. So the more I observe these harmful behavior patterns I will learn to adjust myself to a more positive me. But I still have to let the old me go. And I think I’m going down kicking and screaming.
. I havent figured out what to do with it all. But after reading your website I can definitely understand what you’re talking about. But for now Im where I am, and I find myself waiting for the next step
I write this as a cry for anyone listening, and looking for similar experiences from like minded folk. Thank you for listening. James
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| Posted by: James Schreffler on 12 Aug. 2009 |
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