Relationship Sutras



August 2017

By Pulkit Sharma

Relationships wilt or blossom depending upon how evolved our perspective is and how much self work we are willing to do, in order to make them work, says Pulkit Sharma

When our personal relationships are full of compassion, trust, understanding, love, respect and mutual satisfaction there is all pervasive bliss and harmony. But when these elements are missing, the relationship becomes a source of hopelessness and rage. As human beings, we are constantly changing, either by conscious will or through the force of circumstances. In a similar manner, our relationships are always in a flux, representing the psychological placement of two people at any given point in time. In real life there is nothing like ‘happily ever after’ or ‘miserable for infinity’. A good relationship can turn bad while an unhealthy relationship can be transformed into a desirable one.

Since childhood we dream of having relationships that are perfect like a fairy tale. Even though more than a million sceptics have urged us to give up this fantasy and embrace real life, we refuse to give up hope. We start every new relationship with great optimism thinking that this one will be the dream come true. However, after some time it dawns on us that the relationship is deteriorating. We try different tactics to save the relationship, but nothing seems to work. It is important to understand that a superficial trick cannot resolve deeper problems. A relationship can be transformed only if either or both the partners develop an insightful perspective.

We often rush to tell our partners what is wrong with them and how they need to change. This leads to a huge resistance from the other side and both people lock horns in a never ending battle of blame-game. On the contrary, it is much easier and effective to first transform ourselves because once we change, the other person will be motivated to initiate a similar transformation within himself or herself. Always remember that an example is much more powerful than a thousand words. Therefore, be the change you wish to bring in the other person. In my work with couples, I often find that the following are the five key areas of self-introspection and change.

 

Looking through the eyes of the other

Almost a decade ago, a young son and his middle-aged father approached me to iron out the bitterness between them. The son shared that while growing up there had been umpteen instances where his father had ridiculed and punished him. According to him, the father’s callous behaviour
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