Spirit experiments
June 2024
Spirit
Experiments in awareness and acceptance
How Suma Varughese is healing herself of a persistent stomach ailment
Since December 6th, 2023, kichidi has been my daily menu. My stomach went on an unprecedented strike and refused to process or accept anything except kichidi and rice porridge. Even though I was rattled by this new development, I knew it was fair. A lifetime of indulgence in food was having its revenge. I was being prepared for a karmic settlement that perhaps would free me of my thrall for food. However, I knew that the game was going to be fiendishly difficult, and I was in for torrid times.
To begin with, all therapies and medicines stopped working, including homeopathy and antibiotics. Then came attacks from fear, worry, anxiety, helplessness, frustration, despair, self-pity, and rage as I confronted what I was up against. And I knew that part of the process included facing and healing them. Next were the symptoms. Persistent and prolonged constipation, gas, acidity, constant discomfort in the stomach, and the worst of all, an inability to burp. It is exquisite torture to want to burp but be unable to do so. There is no escaping the discomfort, nor the growing desperation to do whatever one can to hasten it along. Only, everything I did to force it out only made it worse. Finally came the consequence – extreme weight loss that forced me to confront yet another of my weaknesses, vanity. I did not like the gaunt and bony face and body that stared back at me from the mirror. It was another thing I could not accept.
All told, though, I was acutely conscious of the presence of grace supporting me in the game. I was not in pain. Despite the limited diet, I had abundant energy and was, generally speaking, in good spirits. Furthermore, my gastroenterologist friend had assured me it was nothing serious. In fact, at his reassurance, I decided to give up the ineffective antibiotics and simply face the situation head-on. It was me against my karma, from whom I was going to wrest my future health and happiness.
For a while now, I have been healing my physical problems by focussing my consciousness to play upon them. I could bring up the phlegm that gave me a nose block, throat pain or chest congestion. I could also heal a number of small pains and ailments. Now I was going to train my sights on the big game.
I began with the burp and went down to meet it in its place. I learnt to be with the extreme discomfort. I learnt to go deeper into it, rather than succumb to the resistance which sent the mind flying to the head, and further tightened my stomach muscles. And slowly the burps came. Sometimes, I had to use strong energy. Sometimes, a soft allowing one. Sometimes, a combination of both. Every single day brought a new development and a new depth to plumb in order to release the burps. And with each level I descended, I accessed greater consciousness,which increased my stores of acceptance, patience, peace and presence. The stomach, bit by bit, was leading me home to my true Self.
I have not reached the end of the road yet, but I think I know how it will end. I have learnt that this whole ailment has been nothing but a giant deception spun by Lady Maya. There is nothing wrong with me. My fears and habitual resistance had my stomach muscles in such a vice that they were unable to function. Illness comes into existence when some negligible non-issue is blown into giant size by persistent fear, worry and resistance. I hope now through growing awareness and acceptance to gradually reduce the problem once again to a non-issue. I hope to eventually return to perfect health.