Condole with care

Condole with care

November 2022

Condole with  care 

By Shivi Verma

Shivi Verma says that the bereaved don’t need our  ‘gyan’ to cope with their loss. Instead, they need our  understanding and support 

Nobody can avoid  suffering on Planet Earth. There is hardly  anyone who has not experienced  some crippling or devastating  loss of some kind. While we  have answers to difficulties and  challenges, we don’t quite know  how to deal with losses, especially  of the permanent kind. Like the  loss of a limb or a loved one. 

At such times, verbal consolation  isn’t of much help, and if uttered  unconsciously, can inflict a  much deeper wound than what  the person is already suffering.  Most people grapple with guilt  and self-blame in such cases, and  saying anything careless can be  extremely detrimental to them in  the long run. A woman lost her  husband and the father of her  two young children to COVID  in 2021. He was quarantined at  home, and she did her best to save  his life. The family didn’t take  him to the hospital as everybody  around them convinced them not  to. (There were no beds, the staff  was badly infected, and oxygen  was in short supply.) They said  that he had a better chance of  survival at home. But, sadly, he  couldn’t be saved. A visitor who  came to offer condolences to the  bereaved family said something so  thoughtless that instead of giving  solace, it further compounded  the grief of the widowed wife.  

The visitor said, “Maybe if you  had taken him to the hospital,  he would be alive today.” The  woman is now getting therapy and  emotional counselling to heal her  guilty conscience. 

This apart, even sagacious  people have difficulty expressing  themselves when faced with such  situations. I think the best thing to  do when going to offer condolences  is to first sit down in deep prayer  before God. If possible, sit in  meditation and try to connect  with the soul of the departed. Ask  them if they have any message to  convey to the bereaved family. If  it is not possible to do so, then ask  God or your spirit guides to guide  you on what to do or say, so that  the surviving family members feel  held and supported. 

The bereaved are badly missing  the departed soul. They know that  he/she will never come back. If  you have to say anything, only say  good things about the departed.  And never ever bring up your  own loss of a similar kind while  dealing with grieving people. It’s  cruel. They need to be heard and  not be forced to give you a patient  listening.  

Also don’t give them any lecture  on how they need to be brave and  strong as they have responsibilities  to deliver. The time will come  

for such things. But, initially,  give them space, understanding,  patience, and kindness. They need  time to grieve, lick their wounds,  and come to terms with their loss  before they gird up their loins to  face life once again. 

Another good way is to take a good  motivational book with you and  leave it silently with them. They  may not be ready for any pep  talk, but a time will come when  they will open up to life and need  encouragement. Books like One is  Not a Number; Tough Times Never  Last, But Tough People Do; Laws  of the Spirit World; Contagious  Optimism; and Hide Your Goat  can act like a ray of sunshine  during gloomy times, giving the  shattered person enough courage  and faith to put the pieces of their  life together. 

Also, find ways to physically  support them in their hour of need.  For instance, you can help with  their insurance and bank deposit  claims, or babysit while they are  in a dark space. These actions will  go a long way in restoring their  faith in the inherent goodness of  life. 

Editor of Life Positive, Shivi Verma is a devotee who found  all her answers in loving God passionately. 

We welcome your comments and suggestions on  this article. Mail us at editor@lifepositive.net