Confidence in goodness

Confidence in goodness

Spirituality has helped Shivi Verma have  greater faith in the voice of her heart, which  she now unhesitatingly expresses  

Before I entered the path,  I was completely confused  about myself. Was I good or  bad? Intelligent or stupid?  Different people had different  opinions about me, and I could  never understand which one  described me the best. 
I wanted to be considered a  good and intelligent person  but soon realised that my  parameters of goodness were  not in alignment with the rest of  the world. 

I remember, one day, my  mother had packed cake in my  lunch box. While standing at the  bus stop waiting for the school  bus to arrive, I saw a scrawny  stray dog loitering around the  area, apparently hunting for  food. I felt pity for it. I took out  my lunch box from my school  bag and went after the dog  to give it cake to eat. Funnily,  as I approached it, it ran in  the opposite direction feeling  afraid of me. 

As soon as my schoolmates  standing there saw this scene,  they burst into laughter. A  senior boy joked, “It would have  been better had you given the  cake to me, Shivi. I would have happily gobbled it.” I went red  with embarrassment; I felt  stupid. Similarly, elders in my  family often taunted me for my  fondness for animals, love for  books, or my sense of justice.  They wanted me to be more  practical and worldly-wise. 

I remember seeing a hungry  calf being dragged away from  its mother by a few people in my  village and feeling powerless  to stop them because of my  fear of their ridicule and  censure. At school too, I was  quite unpopular because I  believed that rules should not  be broken and teachers must  be respected. Any rejection  of this belief system felt like  a personal rejection to me. I  mostly did not find any support  from my class-fellows on such  matters. As a result, I began  to believe that I was all wrong,  stupid, and hateful. 

When I sought the Divine, I  was in dire need of some self validation. His enthusiastic  response acted like cool  showers on a parched piece  of earth. The more I meditated,  the more clarity I gained.  Gradually, I realised that my  instincts were not wrong. I just  need not fear rejection and  ridicule from others. 

How it liberated me! Now I don’t  think twice if I have to correct  an imbalanced action. Whether  it’s asking strangers to not  litter the roads, requesting  people to be kind to animals,  adopt environmentally friendly  practices, or not resort to  unscrupulous means to make  money, I do it with uninhibited  faith and confidence. And I see  that people listen with attention  and reverence. There is a smile  of approval on their faces. As  for the ones who try to belittle  me, they clearly see that it’s not  possible to break my confidence  like before.  

I have rediscovered my voice  and my faith in my goodness. I  also cannot help but notice that  it’s not my voice but the voice of  the Divine throbbing within my  heart. 

Editor of Life Positive, Shivi  Verma is a devotee who found all her answers in  loving God passionately.