Self growth

Self growth

SELF- GROWTH 

Ripen the ego 

Rutika Ostwal takes a look at the positive side of the ego and  advocates its healthy development to ultimately succeed on the  spiritual path

The word ‘ego’ has long held a negative  reputation, with spiritual teachers and  gurus alike condemning it as the root  of humanity’s troubles—from relationship  conflicts to wars and beyond. This prevailing  notion that the ego separates us from one another  has led many to believe that it is dangerous and  should be condemned completely.  

However, I have come to realise the other side  of it and the importance of cultivating a healthy  ego. The rhetoric I internalised growing up— that the ego is bad, and that being ‘nice’ and  selfless should be the norm to be accepted— resulted in a poorer sense of self. I grew naive  and limited in my worldview, disillusioned as  a consequence. Rather than demonise the ego,  I wonder if we could understand its wholeness:  its purpose, its light, and its shadow.  

The nuanced journey of ego 

Until I came across Carl Jung’s teachings, I did  not fully appreciate the nuanced journey of ego  development that he outlines. Jung, a Swiss  psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, wisely notes that  the first half of our life is dedicated to developing  a healthy ego, while the second half is spent  going within and letting go of ego identification.  For many of us Indians who have been taught  to abandon the ego via religious and spiritual  teachings, Jung’s perspective is extremely  illuminating and beneficial. When I pondered on  my life, I realised the completeness of his concept  of ego development. During my upbringing, I did  not get enough parental mirroring and guidance  to foster a strong sense of self.  

The importance of a healthy ego 

I grew up with poor self-esteem and unsure of  my boundaries, and I was frequently drawn to  narcissistic individuals who saw my generosity as  a weakness. This left me feeling bewildered and  despairing, unable to comprehend why, despite  being such a well-intentioned and emotionally  tuned person, I continued to attract selfish and  toxic people. For a long time, I was caught up  in self-pity, and my self-esteem got eroded. As  

Carl Jung, the famous psychiatrist and psychoanalyst 

A healthy ego is intrinsic for a well-rounded personality 

sensitivity, and other meaningful gifts. Rather  than engaging in spiritual bypassing, my  previous pull to ‘toxic’ influences was actually  a deeper calling to achieve self-mastery through  inner work and reflection. 

Understanding the various aspects of ego  development 

• What is ego development? 

The ego is a complex and often misunderstood  aspect of the human psyche that emerges early in  child development. Around ages two to three, as  a child transitions from the breastfeeding period,  they begin to form a sense of self—an identity  separate from the mother. This is when the ego  first crystallises. 

the saying goes, “If you expect the world to be  fair with you because you are fair, you’re fooling  yourself. That’s like expecting the lion not to  eat you because you didn’t eat him.” It was  quite later that I discovered that when we are  unconsciously drawn to others who do not feel  the same way about us, it is an indication that a  part of ourselves needs attention and validation  or holding. Through the painful process of  overcoming repeated narcissistic wounds, I was  driven to look within and cultivate the self love and personal boundaries I had previously  lacked. I eventually came to see the inherent  value in my complex journey, realising that the  deficits of my early life had actually led me down  a path to uncover my intrinsic worth, emotional  

The ego is a survival-oriented aspect of the self and only small part of a person’s larger, limitless essence. 

The ego serves crucial functions, enabling a  child to perceive meaning, assess value, make  judgements, and develop skills, empowering  them not just to survive but to become  independent. A healthy ego fulfils several vital  roles, providing the framework to make sense  of experiences and navigate life’s challenges  with purpose. Our sense of identity, including  our name, body, relationships, money, job,  home, country, etc., which aids our survival and  navigation of the physical world, is part of our  ego development. 

• The other side of the ego 

However, the ego is not synonymous with  the totality of the self. Rather, it is a subset,  

The shadow aspect of the ego generates conflicts 36 LifePositive | JULY 2024Our sense of identity is a part of our ego-development a manifestation of a far greater, boundless  nature. Its focus is narrow and self-centred, with  preoccupations revolving around ‘me, mine,  and I.’ While this self-interest supports basic  self-preservation, an overactive ego becomes  isolating and destructive. It engages in endless  value judgments, labelling things as ‘good’ or  ‘bad,’ based on a limited perspective. 

Most philosophers and religious and spiritual  leaders emphasise this partial and shadow  aspects of the ego that cause conflict, wars, and so  forth. They do not factor in the significance of the  ego in our life from a developmental perspective.  Recognising this is critical for gaining a broad  understanding of the ego’s role. Essentially, the  ego is a protective, survival-oriented aspect of the  self, and yet it is only a small part of a person’s  larger, limitless essence.  

The ego serves crucial functions, enabling a child to  perceive meaning, assess value, make judgements, and  develop skills, empowering them not just to survive but  to become independent. A healthy ego fulfils several  vital roles, providing the framework to make sense of  experiences and navigate life’s challenges with purpose. 

• The consequences of an underdeveloped  ego 

Inconsistent nurturing from parents or early role  models can lead children to internalise a sense  of unworthiness, distorting the development of  their ego. This deficit leaves them ill-equipped  to reach their full potential or assert their  boundaries. Without a healthy, well-developed  ego, children and teenagers are vulnerable to  being taken advantage of. The formation of  a strong ego during childhood is crucial for  cultivating confidence and autonomy.  

Adults with underdeveloped egos often feel  fragmented, lack self-worth, and are vulnerable  to manipulation and poor decision-making. They  are like a boat without a rudder, tossed about  aimlessly on the currents of others’ expectations.  The reason is that many parents struggle with  low self-esteem due to their own upbringing, and  they inadvertently pass these traits on to their  children. Reflecting on my upbringing, I realise  that my excessively giving parents instilled  in me a sense of inferiority and a compulsive  need to please others. Unfortunately, the people  around them took advantage of their generosity,  and my parents lacked the ability to advocate for  themselves. Recognising this tendency, I decided  to break the cycle of self-sacrificing behaviour,  which would have kept me vulnerable to feelings  of inadequacy and underselling myself, even  if I was brilliant and sincere. Cultivating a  strong sense of self and self-efficacy has been  a challenging yet rewarding journey for me. I  now have the groundedness and self-trust to  be my own person and avoid seeking external  validation.  

The process of letting go of the ego It is important to understand the psychological  perception of the ego and that unless we have  a wholesome sense of self, self-worth, and self efficacy (competence to make our way through  life), we will never have the confidence or security  to disidentify with our ego. Only a ripe ego will  drop. An unripe ego will not.  

Letting go of one’s sense of self too soon can lead  to inner turmoil and self-sabotage. It’s important  to respect people’s choices without judgement and create a supportive environment that fosters  personal growth and change. Suppressing natural  urges forces individuals into an unnatural state,  breeding inner conflict and lingering resentment. 

As far as our spiritual path is concerned, it is  an evolutionary journey. As our self-confidence,  intrinsic self-worth, and ability to cope with  life’s challenges grow, we will find it easier to  progress along the way. With inner security, the  ego can be gradually released as one’s awareness  expands beyond its limited self-identifications,  unveiling our boundless true nature. First, it  requires discerning the ego and then, gradually,  releasing its grip as we uncover the depths of  being. We each awaken to an inward spiritual life  when we are ready. Until then, spirituality may  seem nonsense. I think many of us have passed  through that phase. 

Advice for parents and future generations Reflecting on my own personal growth, I  recognise flashes of my younger self in the  challenges facing today’s youth. Compelled  by this empathy, I believe it is my duty to help  children, teens, and parents find new ways  to navigate the puberty-related conflicts and  developmental issues they face. It’s critical to  recognise that these natural energies must be  channelled, not suppressed. This is all part  of their self-development, a process that has  changed over time, rendering old thinking and  parenting methods less effective. As a result, it’s  important we help build a strong sense of self in  our youth, allowing them to define their identity,  relationships, and role in society. We should help  them navigate their world with confidence and  certainty, to be authentic and reliable members  of society. 

Lastly, ego development does not mean feeling  superior to others. Rather, it is the sense that ‘I  am okay, you are okay.’ We shouldn’t demonise  the ego simply because religious texts or gurus  have criticised it. Instead, we should look at the  whole picture and recognise the ego’s usefulness  in our daily lives, without condemning it  outright. The ego is part of our existence; unless  we embrace and integrate it, we’ll struggle to free  ourselves from its influence. Spiritual bypassing,  which involves repressing the ego, won’t fill the  void. The key is to understand the purpose of the  ego and then consciously let it go. After all, this  faculty was given to us for a reason. 

Rutika Ostwal is a seeker of truth based in Nasik, Maharashtra. She is a creative indi vidual who expresses herself through painting, art therapy, and jewellery making. She  has been journling for about a decade, but has realised only lately that writing is her  calling.