Conversations

Conversations

December 2023

Handling difficult conversations

Only conflict resolution will help us build vital and joyous relationships, says Suma Varughese  

It is never easy to hold difficult  conversations. But if you value  relationships and want to build  on them, you will have to learn  to negotiate conflicts. When two  people become friends or partners,  two different backgrounds, cultures,  religions, environments, life  experiences, and genders interact  and often clash.  

One must, therefore, have the  courage to confront and address  the issue. However, this is a task  that requires sensitivity, honesty,  openness, a willingness to be  vulnerable, and a capacity to admit  one’s mistakes and apologise  when needed. It also requires self awareness. Are you willing to look  within and see if what the other  says about you has any basis?  The moment you turn defensive  and simply shoot down all points  of dispute, you have closed up  the space and jeopardised the  relationship. 

Above all, the motivation has to  be crystal clear. The intervention  is for no other reason but that the  relationship matters to us and  we are willing to do what it takes  to sort out the issues that have  it in knots. It is not to prove the  other wrong. It is not to vent. It  is not to be self-righteous. Unless  this is clear to both parties, the  confrontation can often escalate  into a full-fledged battle. 

So, here are some of the strategies  that help me. When the matter  is emotionally volatile (let us  say I am angry), I usually prefer  sending a WhatsApp message,  instead of making a phone call or  meeting personally. Sometimes,  what the other says may trigger  us, especially if we are still  raw, and we may find ourselves  saying what we may regret. A  text message, on the other hand,  can be weeded free of reactivity.  Furthermore, the recipient too  gets the chance to feel what they  feel and go past it to draft a non reactive response. This heals  many small issues and builds  elasticity into the friendship.  The bigger issues may need  either a phone call or a face-to face meeting. To succeed at this,  ensure that you are considerably  free from emotional charge and  can express yourself neutrally.  One method I use is to stay with  what I feel and not stray into what  I think. For instance, I may say,  “When you said that I had too  many clothes, I felt judged.” This  is far better than saying, “It was  rude of you to say such a thing.”  

It is also a good thing to ask for  what you want them to do the  next time around. “Perhaps, next  time, you could simply be curious  about why I buy so many clothes.” Listen carefully and repeat to the  other what you think they said.  Often, we do not understand them  properly, and the conversation  gets off on the wrong foot. Give  the other the space to express  themself fully instead of butting  in. You can then ask them to give  you the same courtesy when you  start responding. Apologise when  in the wrong. This is like oxygen  to a dying relationship. Most of us  stubbornly hold on to our egos and  fear that an apology may put us in  the wrong. Be willing to forgive  the other when they apologise. Do  not hang on to your sense of injury  a minute more than you need it.  Bury the dispute and bring closure  to the issue. 

You will know that the conflict is  well and truly resolved when you  feel a great release and a joyous  energy filling you both. Suddenly,  you feel even closer than before,  and the friendship has moved up  a notch. 

Suma Varughese is a teacher of words and wisdom.  She broadcasts spiritual truths and a love for  writing in her various capacities as columnist,  writer, writing coach, and the founder-facilitator  of the popular Zen of Good Writing Course. She  is the former editor of Life Positive and Society  magazines. She has authored Travelling Light,  Travelling Lighter, and 50 Life Lessons. She can be  contacted at sumavarughese@gmail.com 

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