How to have a difficult conversation

How to have a difficult conversation

All of one’s ‘arriving’ on the road of life, work, and relationships hinges on the willingness to engage in difficult conversations about the journey, declares Neha Gupta

How often we wish a situation away when an uncomfortable conversation appears inevitable? Like telling your boss that you feel micromanaged by him, which, in turn, is negatively affecting your performance. Or telling your partner that you no longer love her and wish to move on. Or that you feel suffocated by the constant presence of a certain well-wisher in your house who eats up your valuable me-time and family time.

However, as Robert Frost wisely said, “The only way out is through.” In the business of life, there is no escaping interactions that stretch you, unless you choose the life of a hermit. Avoiding them only leads to energy being blocked, creating a ground for even more complex and difficult conversations in the future. Just as an unwillingness to engage in difficult conversations is detrimental for those who seek growth in their persons, teams, families and organisations, a willingness to engage in difficult conversations can actually become not just enjoyable but also create value for everyone within the circumference of a conversation.

So many of our repressed issues arise out of our inability to express ourselves effectively to people who matter, without rocking the boat. Either we blow it all up, in the heat of anger, or keep things locked within our hearts till they fester and manifest as diseases.

Yet, if handled correctly, they have the potential of opening new doors, engendering new realisations, and even deepening the existing relationships. 

Most of all, confronting such situations with courage gives you fresh insights into your own power and abilities, building your emotional and intellectual muscle, and infusing you with new confidence. 

All of life and relationships are conversations

The art of life and the art of conversations are related. Your success in life depends a great deal on your ability to be able to have these conversations, as they crop up in all spheres of life—personal and professional, at varying levels of hierarchy and power. Imagine a well-meaning mother-in-law who insists on sharing the personal-conversation time between you and your spouse. How will you handle the situation with sensitivity and care, as well as ensuring that the message goes across? 

Difficult conversations are a very normal part of life! In fact, they are given to us so that we may learn and grow in the direction we need to.

The four truths of difficult conversations

A difficult conversation is mostly about breaking bad news or bringing to someone’s notice his flaws or mistakes. And it’s never easy because people always bring up their defences, have a meltdown, or counter-accuse when faced with a situation like this. A difficult conversation involves facing the ‘heat’ from the opposite party and still being in an open, non-defending, accepting, and negotiating space. Needless to say, it requires a high-level of maturity from the one engaging in it.

Secondly, let us also factor in the possibility that our judgement of a person may be our own perception. And while trying to cut through the chaos, we might end up discovering our own shortcomings as seen through the eyes of the other. 

Thirdly, it is very important to create an environment of trust, appreciation, respect, and understanding while trying to have a difficult conversation so that both parties can relax and end up finding a mutually agreeable solution.

Fourthly, half of the conversation is done by your vibes and energy. Therefore, if you approach the situation with a heart full of love, instead of anger and judgement, you will have a greater edge while engaging with the situation.

However, there are certain fundamentals to breaking through a difficult conversation.

What we can’t and can change

No matter how skilled we become, there are certain challenges, that we can’t change during the course of a difficult conversation. We will still run into situations where untangling ‘what happened’ is more complicated than we initially suspect. We will each have information the other person is unaware of, and raising each other’s awareness is not easy. What we can change is the way we respond to each of these challenges. By understanding the errors and the havoc they wreak, we can begin to craft better approaches.

Says Nisha Kothari, an author and life skill coach based in New Delhi, “Recently, a relative of mine who had borrowed money from a common friend was reminded to repay it by my elderly father. This conversation happened over the phone with complete politeness. Yet, the relative retaliated with anger and aggression. He accused my father of humiliating them in vitriolic terms. And when I tried to play the referee between my father and my relative, both of them had their own version. And understanding of what had actually happened over the phone. Nobody seemed willing to relent, accept their mistake, whether real or perceived, or tried mending the situation. In the end, I took into account the feelings of both the sides, explained the scenario to each of them, without creating heroes or villains in the story, and managed some form of a compromise. Yet, I do realise that basically, the anger was a projection of the borrower’s own sense of helplessness and weakness. And that it was useless to take things personally.” 

Handling difficult conversations

Whenever you are bracing yourself to prepare for difficult conversations, it’s a good idea to keep these few key guidelines for handling them, in mind:

Listen with an open mind

Which also means being open to listening to the other’s story without agreeing or disagreeing.  Being able to speak and listen from a place of poise is essential to dealing with difficult conversations. Listen, not just to what is being said but also to what is being left unsaid. The emotions behind the words, the fears or hurts. And the needs the person is unable to state and the vulnerability the person is perhaps unable to express.

Advait Dixit, an established Performance Consultant, shares a candid story of how, during a training programme. In conversation with Sheila-which was a difficult conversation- Advait remembers that he remained curious and listened deeply. What he picked up were the feelings of anger and betrayal, since Sheila had introduced Advait to the organisation. As he continued to listen, he realised that her approach to him altered when he didn’t defend or justify himself. The only ‘action’ he was taking was that of emotional discipline, which was holding on his triggers with genuine curiosity. The conversation flowed through three stages:

Expression of anger by Sheila. Advait’s inner dialogue, “It is about me.”

Sharing her anxiety about this incident from the organisation’s point of view. Advait’s inner dialogue, “It is about the situation.”

Sharing her anxieties in life. Advait’s deeper realisation, “My situation is part of the larger context of her anxieties as well.”

By the end of the conversation, they were sharing personal contexts as well and connecting at a more humane level. The issue was dealt with effectively with minimum fuss and no burnt bridges.

Come from a space of curiosity instead of judgement

Being genuinely willing to park aside your thoughts while listening to differing views of the other. Realise that holding two opposing thoughts is a possibility! You don’t have to agree with the other’s opinion or convince him/her about yours; both differing opinions can co-exist. But first, one has to listen from a space of curiosity. Says Nisha, “I was trembling at the idea of entering my relative’s house and bringing up the topic, fearing a slew of hateful and angry speeches.

Then I decided that I would go with an open mind and empathy in my heart. This energy itself diffused the situation to a great extent. I heard him out with patience, agreed to see his perspective, and openly shared the feelings with him.  It was done with an element of curiosity, wanting to know his defences, and making him appear bad.”

Do not blame

It’s a universal fact that nobody likes being accused or held responsible for something gone wrong. Therefore, while expressing your own angst, avoid framing sentences like, “You did not care to inform me about it.” Instead, you can say, “I would have felt happy if I had been informed.”

Paraphrase

It means offering back to the person what you have understood in your own words. It has a few significant advantages in any conversation and more so, in a difficult conversation. Firstly, it lets the other person know that you’re listening; really listening. Secondly, it gives an opportunity to the other person to confirm or clarify your 

Paraphrase 

It means offering back to the person what you  have understood in your own words. It has a  few significant advantages in any conversation  and more so, in a difficult conversation. Firstly, it  lets the other person know that you’re listening;  really listening. Secondly, it gives an opportunity  to the other person to confirm or clarify your  

understanding of what he/she has really  said. Says Nisha, “I paraphrased my relative’s  responses by saying, ‘I understand that you  feel misunderstood and that you had all the  intention of returning the money. It’s just that  you were going through a rough patch in life.’” 

Respect feelings 

Confronting charged emotions is an inherent  part of difficult conversations. It is important  to acknowledge your own feelings as well as  those of the other during such conversations.  

Gautam Bhushan, a talent management,  learning and organisation development expert,  shares a story of a difficult conversation he  

Being genuinely willing to park aside your  thoughts while listening to differing views of  the other, helps a lot in diffusing the situation 

once had and the learning he derived from it. In the course of his career, in one  

organisation, the company was forced to lay  off a few people. And the responsibility for  breaking this news fell on Gautam’s shoulders.  One such conversation seemed particularly  daunting, as the lady who needed to be given  the bad news, was known to be vociferous.  However, something that transpired in the  conversation, simplified it. After breaking the  news, Gautam allowed a full two minutes of  silence. During this time, the girl got her space  and Gautam continued to read the expressions  on her face to know what feelings she was  experiencing—disappointment with self,  hurt, and shame. Finally, when she spoke, she  admitted that what she was most concerned  about was the embarrassment she would  have to deal with. Once Gautam understood  the root area of her concern, it was irly  simple to work with her to find solutions.  

Gautam gave her a few practical alternatives  which she could use by way of explanation, in  case anybody questioned her on her lay off.  Says Gautam, “I have realised that silences  are as important as words in conversations.  The second realisation is that whether it is  professional spaces or personal relationships,  it is important to call out the feelings or  behaviour at play. Once this happens, to  a large extent, it goes away. Else, if left  unsaid, it bottles up, leads to frustration and  ferments into something far more unhealthy.  So, acknowledging and calling out feelings  authentically always helps.” 

Be aware of your own self 

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure  you seek,” says Joseph Campbell. 

Most of us grapple with three identity  related questions: Am I competent? Am I a  good person? Am I worthy of love? A difficult  conversation triggers one or all of these  concerns in a person. 

Internally, our identity dialogue is in full  swing: “Maybe, I am mediocre,” “How can  I be the kind of person who causes others  pain?” or “My brother’s right. No woman  has ever loved me.” In each case, difficult  conversations seem to point towards these  internal insecurities that make us overreact.  And while you cannot do much about the  other person’s insecurities, you would do  well to know your own, so that you don’t get  needlessly triggered during a conversation.  Remember that nobody wants a spoiled  relationship, and each one of us is simply  trying to communicate what the other could  have done to save the relationship. Since  we are rarely present to what others are  actually trying to say, we distort the reality  and get filled with anger on hearing our  shortcomings. 

Let go of the outcome 

The purpose of a difficult conversation is  

to understand others and get your point  across. It is not about getting a favourable  outcome from the exercise. The other is  in no way obligated to understand you.  Therefore, be content that you were able  to communicate your opinion or feeling  related to a situation. The other person  may take his own time to understand the  matter from your point of view, or even take  accountability for his thoughtlessness or  touchiness. 

Imbibe the ‘And’ 

Imbibing the ‘and’ is a useful tool for handling  difficult conversations, including when one  has to give bad news. For example, I am sorry  that I cannot take you on this project and I  understand that it may make you feel let  down and hurt, but I cannot compromise on  the output quality and this may make you  feel angry; yet, it’s constructive feedback  to you to get that long pending certification  and upgrade your skills… so on. Imbibing the  ‘and’ helps you to express both parts of the  stories.  

The art of handling difficult conversations  needs practice, self-belief, and readiness to  make mistakes. The more we sow and nourish  this ability, the more we reap. While difficult  conversations challenge and push us, they  give us huge opportunities: To fix what is  problematic, to discover more strength in  ourselves, to live the values of dignity, respect,  and authenticity, to increase our influence, to  clear the air, and to live more fulfilling lives. 

Only that which can be talked about  threadbare can be transcended, tamed, and  exorcised.