Love languages

Love languages

December 2023

COMMUNICATION 

The Language  of love

Intrigued by the book The Five Love Lan guages, Navni Chawla explores the various  dimensions of love languages, including their  limitations and misuse of love.

Growing up, the only thing that  soothed my troubled emotions  was the warm, pure, and loving  touch of my parents. Whether it was  lying in Mama’s lap as she gently  stroked her fingers through my hair  or a tight hug from Papa (I could feel  his heartbeat while my head rested on  his chest), in both cases, I would feel  a certain sense of calm as if my nerves  were relaxed.

As an adult, in my romantic relationship  too, I realised that physical touch was really  important to me which does not have to just  have a sexual connotation. To be able to hold  your partner, touch their face, hug them,  caress their hair, and just feel their breath and  heartbeat, these things were just so essential for  me to love and feel loved. No wonder, I broke off  two of my long-distance relationships. During  the first one, I didn’t know that the physical  absence of a person for a long time mattered to  me much. But, in the second one, I deliberately  kept the distance between me and my partner  as a challenge, only to realise that it just didn’t  work for me. 

As I was going through a difficult time in my  second relationship, I called up a friend to  seek comfort and advice. Upon hearing my  story, she asked me if I had read this book by  Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages. 

Soon after, I got this book and read it. And then it  all made sense to me when I realised that my  love language is physical touch. Now what is a  love language? Every person has an individual  way to express or communicate love to another  person. The expression that comes most  naturally to a person to give or receive love  becomes their love language. This book was  particularly groundbreaking for me.  

According to the author, Chapman, the five  love languages are: 

1. Acts of service: Doing things that make  your partner feel loved and appreciated, such  as helping with chores or doing errands around  without being asked to. 

2. Gifts: Giving thoughtful presents to your  partner. 

3. Quality time: Spending time with your  partner and giving them undivided attention. 4. Words of affirmation: Giving your partner  compliments and verbally communicating to  them how much you care. 

5. Physical touch: Kissing, cuddling, hugging,  or holding hands with your partner. 

Identifying one’s primary love language My neighbour, Mrs Meena Sharma, a housewife,  takes evening walks with me, and I often sense  that she is in an unhappy marriage. Once she  shared with me, “You know, Navni, I have  everything. Anything that I lay my eyes on— any piece of jewellery, clothes, shoes, make-up,  bags—anything that I like, even if it is super  expensive, my husband buys it for me. But I no  longer care for things. I crave his presence and  time. He never has that for me. He is mostly  away on business trips, and even when he is at  home, he is always on his laptop or phone.” I  could clearly see a mismatch of love languages  here in Meena Aunty’s case. Her love language  is quality time with her husband, and his love  language is buying gifts for her. Only when they  sit down to openly discuss their love languages,  will their relationship improve. 

I

It is important to know your child’s love language if you want to raise them as confident adults

Gary Chapman says, “Love can be expressed  and received in all five languages. However,  if you don’t speak a person’s primary love  language, that person will not feel loved, even  though you may be speaking the other four.  Once you are speaking his or her primary love  language fluently, then you can sprinkle in the  other four, and they will be like icing on the  cake.” 

My very close friend, Vidhi Joshi, a 29-year-old  architect, has had a bitter-sweet relationship  with her mother. Her mother has always been  a hard taskmaster and pushed her to excel in  school, then in college, and then in her career.  She wanted her mother to express her love in  sweet words, which she never did. Due to this,  she has suffered a lot. I have seen her grow up  with a deep mother-wound and feeling that  love is not easy and has to be earned the hard  way. Due to this belief, she attracted many toxic  relationships in her life, in which her mother’s  love language was making her brilliant and an  over-achiever; however, Vidhi’s love language  was hearing loving and kind words. She always  felt a lack of love in her life, especially from  her mother, because as a child, she never  received the primary love language she craved.  Chapman wrote this book as an attempt to  create an intentional tool to address and resolve  many conflicts that arise in relationships. And  truly, an in-depth understanding of these  above-mentioned five love languages results in  greater empathy, understanding, and intimacy;  deeper connection; improved communication;  satisfaction due to an improvement in a  relationship; and an increased curiosity in your  partner’s likes, dislikes, passions, and interests.  Although the concept of love languages was  devised to better romantic relationships, its  meaning and use can be extended to friendships  and other family relationships as well.  

Although these five love languages are widely  accepted, I feel they are fluid and not etched in  stone. This means that a person can have more than one primary love language, which can  shift as they change or evolve, and there could  be more than five of them. 

Types of love languages 

“So many times, the reason for the divorces  that happen is that partners speak different  languages of love,” says Ms Hina Daruwala, a  relationship expert. She adds that a mismatch  in the love languages creates friction in the  relationships, and as a result, the partners don’t  meet each other’s expectations. They start to  take away from each other more than they give  and nurture. And that’s why it is important to  know what your primary love language is and  your partner’s as well. 

The following examples illustrate this point: • Ishaane Khanna, a 25-year-old software  engineer, says, “Trying out new restaurants  together is definitely a love language for me  and my boyfriend.” 

• Nina Garry, a 40-year-old entrepreneur,  shares, “I think Chapman’s acts of service is  my love language because it demonstrates  how a person can show what they can do to  appreciate someone in real-time, instead of  saying things without follow-up actions.” 

• Tamal Wargoo, a 28-year-old writer, says,  “Just simply making life easier and a little  less complicated for the people I love is my  love language, and I enjoy doing that.” 

• Madhav Kapur, a 34-year-old chef, says,  “I have such a tough job, and I am always  working in crowded spaces. So sometimes,  after I come back home, I just need my  personal space that allows me to breathe  easy, and my wife, Ujjala, gives it to me  without my asking for it. She understands  this love language of mine.” 

• “I pray for my children. Whenever I see  them in a problem where I am not capable  of helping them much, I ardently pray to  my deity for their well-being. I also love  blessing them, which I sometimes do  quietly in my heart and, at other times, I  verbally tell them “Bless you. Waheguruji  mehr karan” (May Waheguruji grace your  

Couples who understand each other’s love language tend to form a stronger bond life with many blessings),” says my Naani  Maa, who is 72 years old. That is her love  language for her children and grandchildren. 

• “I send lots of love internally to my husband  and children when I am in conflict with  them. I ask for forgiveness inside my heart  for any hurt I caused them in this life or  before. This helps me clear all negative  energies with them, and it strengthens my  bond with them. So, I think that’s my love  language—doing a lot of inner talk,” says my  49-year-old mother, Jyoti Chawla.  

• “I don’t nag my wife and hover over her,  asking her to do things for me. I don’t speak  bitterly to her and protect her heart by not  doing things that I know might hurt her. I  practise self-awareness. After spending so  many years with Nisha, I have become more  sensitive, more feminine, and more in sync  with her needs, wishes, and temperaments.  I make sure that she rests well when she  is menstruating. I give extra love and  nurturing to her during this period. I deeply  respect her and bow down to the goddess in  her. That’s just what I have learnt—how to  be with a woman. You may call it my love  language,” shares Rabindra Jha, a 38-year old yoga teacher. 

The shadow side of love languages 

Although the idea of love languages is used by  many people to positively connect with their  partner and show love and affection, it has been  criticised for several reasons, from being misused  and misleading to being too heteronormative. 

Doing this completely robs the relationship of  mutual trust, and over time, it creates greater  bitterness and layers and layers of resentment.  Relationships can suffer when there is a drastic  gap between the love languages of two people as  it gives birth to so many issues. If these issues  can be addressed by identifying the correct love  language of both partners, then love languages  are blessings. 

However, when couples start to use love  language behaviours as a quick fix to mask larger  problems in their relationships, that’s where the  problem begins. It’s important to remember that  while love languages can better a relationship  emotionally, physically, and mentally, they do  not repair dysfunction. 

There may be a thousand other ways that  couples could use to enhance their relationship.  The five love languages shouldn’t be thought of  as the only tool to address conflict or unresolved  problems. Often, there is deep cleansing, healing,  therapy, and even spiritual intervention needed  to repair relationships, and love languages can  only touch the surface. They cannot pierce and  penetrate the subtler energetic equations in a  relationship which needs both partners to do  intensive deeper self-work. 

The book, The Five Love Languages, has been  criticised for being just written for the orthodox  Christian, traditional, monogamous, and  heteronormative population. There might  not be enough scientific evidence to prove the  authenticity of these five love languages. They  may exclude other groups, identities, and  relationship dynamics, such as LGBTQIA+  individuals. 

Love languages can change over time. And, they  can be used alternatively, depending on the  current life situation. For example, someone  may prefer words of affirmation when they are  struggling with poor self-esteem or need to hear  words of reassurance to pull through tough  times, even though their primary love language  is acts of service. Alternatively, as people change,  grow, or evolve, sometimes their love language  transforms too, and they may realise that they  prefer new and finer ways of communication  and expression of love. Hence, it is not wise to  get attached to a particular love language that  may be fleeting, as sticking to it can also create  pain and conflict in relationship dynamics.

One of the most toxic and destructive things  couples can do is keep score. Doing this  completely robs the relationship of mutual  trust, and over time, it creates turmoil. A  relationship is doomed if the couple uses love  languages to keep score, stating who does more  and in what ways. In this manner, a relationship  loses its meaning and sanctity, and becomes  purely transactional. And when purity is lost in  a relationship, it is not worth having it. 

Final thoughts 

Even though there could be so many love  languages existing, the downside to it is that  our love language could also be something that  we desire from the other and are depriving  ourselves of it. For example, if my love language  is words of affirmation, being spoken to with  words of great appreciation could mean that  I have a very negative self-talk, which is the  shadow side or dark side of my love language. 

For me, the first love language is deepening  a connection with oneself. Establishing a  connection with God or the divine source within  ourselves is so primary and urgent. Before we  go on establishing new relationships outside,  it’s so important to know oneself fully and  create a manual for oneself, which can include,  What do I like? What turns me off? What are my  core values? What are my boundaries? What makes  me happy? What makes me sad? How do I want to  live? What kind of a person do I wish to become as  I grow older? What is the life path I wish to take? 

For instance, if I were to date a new person and  begin a new relationship today, I would check  all these above questions, contemplate them,  decide on a few of my non-negotiables (things I  would most certainly not compromise on in any  situation), and so on and so forth. Like Do I wish  to live a simple and spiritual life ahead? Then I  will have a different set of values and goals for  myself. And consequently, my love language will  be different. What if my love language then is  deepening my spiritual connection with my deity  and constantly purifying my heart and mind?  Then, I will be attracted to someone who also has  a similar love language or desire. 

An anonymous and the most relevant or  intelligent advice that I found on relationships  was “Make a list of the things that are truly  important for you to find in a partner and then  BE that list.” 

 And so, I believe that developing a relationship  with the Divine and finding a love language  for it are the most worthwhile things to do. As  my beloved Swami Veda Bharati puts it, “Look  within, dive within, deeply connect with that  Consciousness that is ever pure, ever wise, ever  compassionate, ever free.” 

And when we befriend that Consciousness and  consult it during testing times, the quality of all  the outer expression of our love languages and  relationships changes, beautifies, becomes finer,  and glows. 

Navni Chawla, a Delhi based writer has a heart brimming with passion for  life and loves capturing the beauty of the world through words.