My deepest God feeling

My deepest God feeling

May 2023

Megha Bajaj comes to the realisation that knowing God is a blissful and continuous process, and a  journey that everyone must take For aeons and aeons, man has been trying  

to demystify God. He has been trying to understand that force, in the presence of  which everything works and in the absence of  which nothing does. He is trying to comprehend  who his Source is and what it wants from him— the purpose of his life. And for every question that he has asked and found some answer to, he  has found himself a little more peaceful. A little  closer to his Source. A little more intimate with  God. 

For me, too, God has been an endless quest. I was much more interested in knowing God than anything that my textbooks or school teachers  could teach me. I would bunk school and find  relief on a rusted tank on my terrace overlooking  the sea, where I could sit for hours and simply  wonder about life. About the Creator. And yes,  about this particular curly-haired, wide-eyed,  creation—me. 

Meditation happened naturally to me. Since I realised  God could not be found on Google and no one outside  of me really had any explanation that could satisfy  me, I started closing my eyes and looking within.  Perhaps, as the sages suggested, the answers were  closer than I comprehended.  

Initially, all I could observe within me were thoughts.  The day-to-day routine stuff: What is there for dinner?  I better study for some time. What are my parents doing?  What should I wear for her party? And so on. I watched  them, and I watched them. Suddenly, I realised  that since I was watching my thoughts, I wasn’t my  thoughts. So, there was a ‘me’ and then, there were my  thoughts. I wasn’t my thoughts. So, who was I? 

And then I went deeper. I realised I had a lot of  feelings. Sometimes I felt intense love or bliss.  Sometimes, sadness and pain. Sometimes boredom,  other times enthusiasm. I could watch myself going  through all these feelings. And intense as they were,  there came a point when I realised I wasn’t any of  these passing feelings. Since ‘I’ was watching them,  there was an ‘I,’ and then there were these feelings.  So, who was I? 

My quest for answers led me to my guru. Or perhaps  led Him to me. They say when the seeker is ready, the  teacher arrives. Probably it was time. By divine  grace, He entered. The answers He provided  stunned me. I wondered why we were not taught  about life at school. Why words like ‘love’ had  been so limited to relationships. How come there  wasn’t a session on surrender and faith for every  child to know— that ultimately, that is what  would get them through life and not the formulae  or the algorithms? 

What Mahatria, my guru, spoke was enticing,  but what was even more awe-inspiring was how  I felt around Him. Time and space seemed to  be suspended. Thoughts became still. Silence  seemed more pronounced. And there was this  feeling of deepest love, deepest peace, and  deepest bliss, all wrapped into one. A feeling  within me that I began to call God. 

It stunned me to realise, finally, that God was  not a person but a presence. A feeling. Within  me. There were situations outside that seemed to  bring me closer to this feeling or took me further  away from it. For instance, beside a snowclad  mountain, sitting by a stream, with my eyes  closed, God seemed to be a very intense reality.  Stuck in traffic, with worries running through  my head, I felt away from this God-feeling. In the presence of some people, I experienced  God-feeling intensely. And of course, most  intensely around Mahatria. In the presence of  others, I felt far away from God and seemed to  get drawn into a lot of unnecessary thoughts and  chaos. 

One of those days, I had an epiphany. One  that changed my life forever and has been  determining so much of what is unfolding in my  life ever since. I realised that if God was a feeling  and it was within me, it was my feeling. I could  choose to feel God, even while going through the  toughest of times. I could choose to feel God,  even in the midst of a noisy street. I could feel  God in whoever and whatever I chose to feel God  in. God simply was. It was I who had to own this  God-feeling. 

My definition of God exploded. I realised I was  responsible for my God-feeling, and I could feel it  as often as I wanted. As deeply as I chose to. As  intimately as I desired. The crazy thing was that  the more and more I felt God, the closer and closer  He kept coming to me. From a figment of my  imagination, He became real. As real as my fingers  typing this piece, as real as your eyes reading it. 

The God-feeling has kept on growing within me.  And the more it has grown, the more wondrous  my life has become. Beauty. Abundance. Love.  Blessings. All the words we associate with God  have kept expanding within me and my life. 

Today, after years of wondering, wandering,  seeking, and meditating, I can finally say God is a  dominant feeling in me. And this feeling is worth  everything else in life. I keep trying to find ways  to enhance this God-feeling, and the more I purify  my thoughts, feelings, and actions, the deeper it  becomes. 

The most beautiful thing about this God-feeling is  that the deeper you go, the deeper there is to go. It  keeps pulling you—like a magnet. And the more  you know, the more you know that you cannot  know it all. So, there is always this yearning. Of all the journeys any of us will ever take, I  believe that the most important one is towards Our  Source. Towards Him. Towards God. For every step  you take, He takes two, almost seeming to whisper  to you, “Hey beautiful one, where are you looking  for me? Here I am, right here. The deepest, purest,  most infinite and unchanging part of you. Feel me.  I am here. Your very own God-feeling. Can you feel  me?” 

Megha Bajaj is a bestselling author, film script writer and  poet.  An ardent seeker at heart, she also runs her online writing  and healing workshops called WoW. You can read more  about her on www.MeghaBajajWoW.com. 

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