Self discovery through sex

Self discovery through sex

April 2023

Rishi Rathod explores why sexual energy  drives our lives towards either fulfilment or  depravity and how we can use it consciously to  become superhumans. The marvellous paradox  is that we can ‘sleep’ with our partners and, at  the same time, ‘wake up’ to our Self! 

The biological purpose of sex is the  proliferation of species. While in the  animal kingdom this activity is seasonal  in nature and does not include emotional  involvement or long-term association with  the partner, in the human kingdom, sex is an  integral part of everyday existence, dictating  how we identify ourselves and relate to others.  

We use sex to connect emotionally, build  lasting bonds, explore different possibilities  of pleasure hidden in the human body, form  family units, and even get spiritual experiences  and growth in some cases. 

Humans have also looked at sex and its  consequences as a form of responsibility.  Take the institution of marriage, for example.  It was created to give shelter and long-term  protection to the mother and the offspring  once man and woman cohabited and produced  a child from the union. Traditionally, a man’s  job was to provide food, clothing, and shelter  not only to his wife but also to the children  they birthed together, till the offspring became  self-reliant. Marriage also promotes a sense of  commitment and responsibility towards one’s  partner and family, leading to a more cohesive  and functional society. 

Technological development and its  impact on marriage 

However, many aspects that were true for  marriage once upon a time have changed as a  result of technological growth. Women today  are not as dependent on men for their survival.  They can earn their bread and have the option  of living in a secure apartment building with  adequate legal protection to ensure their  physical safety. They might not feel compelled  to marry in order to have babies or get  physical protection. Artificial insemination,  egg freezing, and test-tube babies are the new  realities. A woman can typically assume all  the roles that have historically been played  by men. This change has even affected how  humans relate to sex. 

The availability of contraceptives and the  freedom to marry or not have made people  more experimental with sex and relationships.  Sex is now seen as a means of enjoyment and  self-gratification rather than a process to beget  progeny. 

The rise of dating sites such as Tinder and  Bumble has normalised the hook-up culture  which is based on short-term relationships  lasting only a weekend or a few weeks.  

Sex can be used to connect emotionally and grow spiritually with potent divine energy to bring extraordinary transformations.  Wisdom, knowledge and above all - love, pour out of this book and is  ready to �low into the lives of all who read and experience it. cle is an insight. Before the insight is a seeking. Beyond the  seeking is a struggle. But in the deep dark origins of human  pain, perhaps an illness, a helplessness, a self-destructive  despondency, is the singularly unique path forged by our  own original compassionate energies to help us transcend  our most debilitating weaknesses. Further down this path  of letting go of our fundamental darkness, we become the  lighter beings of light we were always meant to be. 

When done with intention, sex may be a sacred and a spiritual exercise. Life’s  beauty and pleasure are made possible  through it. 

The current scenario  

Freedom, availability, and a plethora of options  to choose from in terms of a sexual partner have  led people to treat sex as a commodity. They  yearn for more variety and spice demanding  more orgasms, more toys, and more thrill. 

Since porn uses this tactic to entice viewers, we  are surrounded by a culture that supports this  indulgence. Sadly, this mad race for extreme  gratification is never fulfilled. 

Ajay Kulkarni, 34, says that it’s a mindless  cycle. “It looks cool these days to be sexually  open, yet you don’t feel deeply satisfied. I often  think, where is it all going to end? Indulging  with multiple partners and multiple tools and  techniques but reaching nowhere. How absurd  this whole situation is!”’ 

Rashmi Singh, 34, says, “When I first started  having sex, I was considerably younger,  and I did it to satisfy my partner. Because  I wanted to be the girlfriend, I believed that  it was something I was expected to do. But it  doesn’t work this way. The focus of these early  interactions was more on me offering pleasure  and hoping for a connection in return rather  than me getting pleasure and connection. I’m  relieved that time has passed.” 

She continues, “As I became older and a wee  bit wiser, I realised that I didn’t have to give  others sex. I could opt to engage in sexual  activity for my personal gain. Even though I  became more aware of my body and my sexual  preferences, I had never been into the idea of  engaging in sex solely for sexual gratification.  I yearned for the closeness and intimacy  that comes from sharing sex with someone  I cared about. Today, I see sex as a means of  reconnecting with myself and the Divine— God, Goddess, the cosmos, your Higher Self, or  anything you might want to call it—as well as  truly connecting with another human. When  done with intention, sex may be a sacred rite  and a spiritual exercise. Life’s beauty and  pleasures are made possible through it.” 

From her story, I realised that the intention  determines whether sex is a physical activity  or a spiritual practice. Casual sex is like  listening to music on a recorded medium,  whereas conscious sex is like watching a live  

musical performance with the person you love.  People prefer the first one because it is easily  accessible; however, when you experience the  latter, there is a considerable shift in your  approach towards sex. 

Luckily for the people of this subcontinent,  there are great scriptures to get guidance from,  such as Vigyan Bhairav Tantra (a Tantric text),  Kamasutra, and Ananga Ranga. The purpose  of this article is not to prescribe methods  from such scriptures but to understand the  fundamentals of sexual energy and how to use  it to live a deep, intense, and fulfilling life. 

The importance of sex in a healthy  relationship 

“I think sex helped us form a close friendship,”  says Monisha Bhargav, 36, from Pune. “Despite  the fact that we were partially in love, we weren’t  all that close. Sex brought us closer. It opened  

There are great scriptures to get guidance on sex our brains, and we started spending a lot of  time together. You’ll eventually appreciate the  entire process, while it initially feels novel.” 

Despite the freedom available to men and  women to experiment with sex and partners,  marriage is still a sought-after option for  people looking to enjoy a stable, happy life.  Furthermore, the probability of accessing  higher joys of sex is possible only when  one has a committed partner who is open to  experimenting. 

Monisha believes that arranged marriages can  have more sexual content than love marriages  as there is an element of surprise and suspense  in them like in a thriller movie. Whereas, in  love marriages, couples are already familiar  with each other taking the novelty and  anticipation away from it.  

She adds, “Not that our lives have been without  difficulty or that we have never disagreed. Our  frequent fights—some of them major—have  led to my brother-in-law calling us Tom and  Jerry. We went through our silent periods, have  had heated confrontations, and experienced  everything that a typical married couple does  and will continue to experience. However, we  also have and always will have love.” 

Everyone enjoys intimacy and being close to  their lover. Being in a physical connection  makes one feel fulfilled and cherished. When  you remove sex from marriage, all that is left  is what you can do with your friends. A happy  marriage depends a lot on having good sex.  

Mismatch in sexual desires 

Sadly, not all marriages succeed; or perhaps  it would be more accurate to say that not  all couples reciprocate or engage in sex as  intended or wanted by their partner.

An incompatibility in sexual desires can strain the relationship betweean a husband and wife 

A post went viral on social media a few years  ago when a woman shared an email her husband  sent her shortly before she left for a business trip.  The email included a spreadsheet in which the  husband had methodically noted every time he  had attempted to initiate sex with her and the  reasons why she had declined. 

The internet was divided on the subject; some  supported the wife and thought this was a petty  and childish move, while others (mostly) sided  with the husband, who was clearly upset. 

No matter what, it did serve to highlight the  importance of sex for a happy married life. 

Everyone has needs. If a person’s need for sex  is not met, it will inevitably manifest in other  ways, such as bitterness or, as in the case of the  above example, passive anger. Sexual need is as  valid as the need for food or water. Therefore,  it’s understandable how a lack of sex could  eventually lead to the dissolution of a marriage.  Many people feel that when they are not under  the strain of a job or family, sex is the only time  they can truly connect with their spouse. 

It goes without saying that everyone has  different sex drives and that no one should be  forced to have sex against their will, yet it’s  undeniably devastating to be rejected by your  spouse repeatedly for seemingly insignificant  reasons. In order for a relationship to succeed,  there must be clear and honest communication  about this, as well as an effort to strike a  balance that is beneficial to both parties. 

Ideally, sexual intimacy should occur when  both parties are ready. There are instances  when one feels pressured or deprived sexually,  and this creates the groundwork for future  issues in the relationship. On the other hand,  sexual compatibility is by far the most crucial  factor after trust for a healthy marriage. There  can be a compromise from both sides if you  and your spouse do not have the same libido,  but it is preferable to get married to someone  you are compatible with from the get-go. 

What do the experts say 

Sex educator and intimacy coach Molly  Carter concurs with the ideas raised above.  She believes that good sex is one of the most  

crucial ingredients of a serious, long-term  relationship. It’s one of the best measures of  marital fulfilment since it encourages deeper  emotional connection between partners. 

Molly says that the aspect of sexual  compatibility in a marriage should not be  disregarded because, if overlooked, it might  cause a lot of stress and abrasion in the  relationship. When one person wants sex but  the other doesn’t, it causes more than just  sexual annoyance. Because sexual activity is  never solely sexual. Even if you believe it’s  simply about getting your rocks off, there is  much more to it than that. 

Dr Jain, 48, from Mumbai says that he has a  good sexual appetite whereas his wife, who is  also a doctor, has very low sexual desires. Their  relationship, as a result, has hit rock bottom.  He misses sex. 

According to Molly, the issue is more complex  than just brain chemicals in cases where one  partner is missing out on sex. It emotionally  affects people and can seriously damage  their self-esteem. The rejected spouse is left  feeling empty and abandoned. They sense that  they are not welcome. They feel undesirable  and gloomy. They yearn for touch and miss  intimacy. Their ego views their partner’s lack of  libido as a slight against them personally. This  gradually turns into resentment, eventually  eroding the very foundation of marriage. 

From this perspective, sex in marriage is  paramount. Sex keeps your body and brain  healthy, and can even increase your lifespan!  Molly says that there are many benefits of  having sex for both men and women: 

•  Regular sex prevents problems related to  blood pressure and the heart. The blood  

circulation in the body increases, the  skin starts glowing, and there will be no  complaints of insomnia.  

•  A healthy sex life improves the immunity  of both partners because happy people  have greater immunity. In fact, during sex,  a hormone called oxytocin is secreted in the  body, due to which the feeling of happiness  surges in both men and women. A person  with low levels of oxytocin is more likely to  be divorced.  

•  A woman’s self-confidence endures when  she receives consistent physical support  from her husband. Similarly, when men are  sexually fulfilled, they feel more confident  at the workplace too.  

•  Sex is an effective pain reliever and  provides comfort to both partners.  

•  Women who engage in sex often become  adept at the art of lovemaking and so do  men. 

•  Women get irritated and ill without sex  and are unable to comprehend problems  well, and if they do, they are afraid to voice  them in front of others. Men, on the other  hand, might feel anxious and frustrated,  and have trouble sleeping without enough  sex in life. 

•  Sex prevents women from experiencing  depression. Note: Don’t draw any  conclusions based solely on the symptoms  of the above ailment because it could  possibly be caused by other factors. Only  sex, which takes place with the woman’s  consent, is good for her. 

•  Regular sex is one of the best cardio  exercises for men to keep their hearts in  fine fettle. 

•  Men who have regular sex have a lower risk  of developing prostate cancer, particularly  advanced or high-grade prostate cancer. 

Lead story 35 

Sex and spirituality: how they are linked The most common misconception about sex  is that it is impure or immoral. Contrary to  this belief, sex is sacred. As I’ve become older,  I’ve come to appreciate the depth of knowledge  our ancestors and spiritual teachers possessed  when they wrote scriptures on sex. When I  realised that sex is a pure cosmic force and that  engaging in it physically establishes a direct  link with the Divine, my entire worldview  transformed. 

When we are immersed in heightened sensory  experiences of a sexual nature, we lose track of  time and feel ecstatic and blissful. Maya is the  force of nature that keeps us engaged in the  world outside, and all spiritual practices aim to  help us turn our gaze from the external to the  place within. Disengaged from the external,  we experience the Self within, whose true  nature is bliss, or ananda. Even a microsecond  of disengagement with the world during a  spiritual experience makes us forget our ego  and gives us a foretaste of that bliss that is  our true nature. This occurs frequently when  we are moved by music, overcome by bhajans (devotional music), or even breathtaking  scenery. The forgetting of the individual self is  the beginning of ecstasy. Sexual orgasm is the  purest form of this forgetting of the ego on the  bodily level and is, therefore, a window into  our spiritual possibility. In the words of Osho,  “The body can become a vehicle to that which  is beyond the body, and sex energy can become  a spiritual force.” 

Sexual, spiritual, and creative energies are all,  in my opinion, aspects of the same whole. You  will be sexually expressed if you are creatively  expressed. Osho says, “With less sexual energy,  less intelligence exists; with more sexual  energy, more intelligence, because sex is a  deep search to uncover, not only bodies, not  

36 LifePositive | APRIL 2023

only opposite-sex body, but everything that is  hidden.” 

Our sexual energy is a precious resource that  has to be handled gently and lovingly. We will  feel worn out and miserable if we waste it or  use it with individuals who don’t care about  us. It’s the same as spending money on items  we don’t need because we’ll have nothing  in the end. But if we use our sexual energy  sensibly, we may harness a strong force that  improves both our individual lives as well as  our relationships with others. In addition to  feeling fantastic after conscious sex, we also get  a chance to work on being present, connected,  and devoted to our partner.  

Sex as a spiritual experience 

What popular culture tells us about sex is  Sex is a pure cosmic force 

Sex ia a pure cosmic force and that  engaging in it physically establishes a direct  link with the Divine, my entire worldview  tranformed.

different from sacred sexuality. In today’s  society, sex has been reduced to purely physical  gratification. 

Individuals frequently view sex as an object,  masturbating while watching it casually, as in  porn. This strategy might result in an orgasm,  but it can also be fleeting and animalistic  (one lasts only for 22 seconds on an average).  This method of enjoying sex pulls us away  from both our genuine selves as well as the  present moment, which is the only reality.  The real objective—the potential of sex to be  a bridge to our souls—is always present in us. 

We have had too low expectations from sex  for far too long. It is a strong energy that has  more potential to enhance our lives than we  are aware of. What if having sacred sex led to  a level of intimacy with your spouse that you  never knew existed?  

Transcending sexual energy 

Let’s explore sexuality in a whole new way. To  begin with, you should understand that you are  a spiritual being having a human experience  and that you were made according to a divine  blueprint. Accept that this includes sex as well. 

Recognise that your companion is also an  expression of the Divine, just like you. This  includes even a partner who irritates and  tests you. Broaden your perspective and let  go of whatever preconceived notions you may  be having about them. Consider having sex  with your spouse as a sacred act of worship.  Make sure to exercise your devotional muscle  because you will only get what you put into it.  It’s okay to fake it till the time it becomes your  second nature. 

By holding your partner in this ultimate  vision, you will be loving them as the highest  expression of their divine Self. This is truly  divine essence in action. Create an environment  in which sacred sex can flourish. Engage the  senses. Make use of soft pillows, blankets,  flowers or petals, music, and candles. In brief,  prepare the room as you would for meditation.  

Master’s advice for multiple orgasmic  experiences 

Master Mantak Chia, the creator of the  Universal Healing Tao System and Tao Yoga,  has assisted hundreds of people transform  sexual energy into spiritual experiences.  Based in Thailand, he has developed specific  training methods to help people experience  several orgasms without ejaculation from a  single instance of sexual intercourse. 

According to Master Chia, our attention, or  brain energy, is the key to converting sexual  energy. He believes that sexual drive, just like  everything else, is a form of energy, which gives  desired results if you know how to work with  it. In an interview on How To Become A Sexual  Master: The Multiple Male Orgasm Explained on  YouTube, he says that 95 per cent of our brain  energy is utilised in the external environment  or at work. If we could redirect this energy  inward, we could reconstruct our internal organs and everything that moves within the  body. Sadly, we are now losing 95 per cent of  it outside. And because of this, the brain is in  big trouble. People are disoriented, perplexed,  and clueless. We are getting sicker and sicker  because we are focussing our brain energy on  other things rather than our bodies.  

Master Chia says that our energy flows in  the direction of our attention. He advocates  preparing the body for this transcendental  experience. The first step is to identify your  pelvic floor muscles. This muscle is the same  one you use to stop the urine while urinating.  After you’ve identified the muscle, you must  squeeze, hold, and release it. This is called  the Kegel exercise. During the day, you can  perform it while sitting or standing. Master  Chia recommends starting cautiously and  working up to 300 repetitions to master control  over this muscle. 

Visualisation 

The energy is then drawn up from the base of  

Master Mantak Chia helped hundreds of people transform sexual energy into spiritual experiences.  your root chakra to your abdomen, then to the  heart centre, and finally to your brain through  visualisation or meditation. We must practise  doing this during sexual intercourse once we  have mastered this technique. We must stop  mid-intercourse, perform the Kegel exercise  to control the pubococcygeus muscle (PC  muscle), and then direct the energy towards  whichever organ we want to in order to avoid  reaching the point of no return (ejaculation).  Beginners should start at a low-risk zone of  80 per cent while they are still in control and  feeling great rather than reaching 90 or 95 per  cent towards ejaculation and then doing this  exercise. With regular and sincere practice,  one can master control of the ejaculation force  and direct the same to higher chakras (subtle  energy centres) or internal organs. This process  helps improve the functioning of organs to a  great extent, and one can live disease-free for  much longer. However, the time frame may  vary depending on individual factors such as  dedication, consistency, and prior experience  with the skill. It is important to set realistic  goals and track progress regularly to stay  motivated. 

According to Master Chia, a man is thought  to ejaculate 6,000–7,000 times on average  throughout his lifetime. It’s important  to remember, though, that only a small  portion of these ejaculations are required for  reproduction. 

Although Master Chia’s talk was on achieving  multiple orgasms, in essence, it is all about  holding your semen and not releasing it. This  is nothing but practising Brahmacharya in the  Indian context. It is a kind of sadhana (spiritual  practice) for many seekers on the path of Self realisation, especially those who do Tantric  practices or follow Brahmacharya, where one  holds the semen during intercourse and does  not let it out. In fact, my guru Maiyaa, gave  us a meditation technique where we have to  visualise and raise the energy from the root  chakra to the heart chakra, transforming it  from sexual force to love and compassion. 

In normal intercourse, the orgasm one feels is  nothing but a glimpse of bliss. But because we  lose energy, we feel drained. Master Chia says  that most people deplete their sexual energy  reserves throughout life without replenishing  them, which leads to numerous health issues.  Whereas, he says, “If one knows how to  maintain orgasms for long periods of time, the  universal and earthly forces can be activated  and combined to facilitate higher bliss, which  is a powerful healing and revitalising energy.”  He further adds, “If the sexual energy is  directed upwards, it extraordinarily heightens  all mental and physical faculties.” Pankush  (digital name), a student of Master Chia, says,  “I have been practising sexual transmutation  for three to four months and have seen  considerable positive changes in my work and  energy levels.”  

This concept is not new and has been  practised in various cultures for centuries,  such as in Tantra and Taoism. By harnessing  sexual energy, individuals can tap into their  inner power and achieve a deeper connection  with themselves and the world around them.  Hopefully, humanity will wake up sooner than  later to harness the life it promises to all.