Relationships

Relationships

October 2023

Healthy sex,  Happy marriage 

Anu Mehta talks about the importance of  sorting out obstacles to a fulfilling married  life created by sexual dysfunction and stress 

According to the Vedas, marriage is a  union between a man and a woman, with  a commitment to pursue Dharma (duty),  Artha (earning money and other possessions),  Kama (physical and other desires) and Moksha (the eternal liberation) in unison. In many cultures, marriage is recommended  or considered compulsory before pursuing  any sexual activity. Once this condition is  met, sexual activity in a marital relationship  can help to strengthen it. Hormones released  during sex achieve this in various ways: 

• The hormone oxytocin, also known as the  love hormone, secreted by the pituitary gland  during sexual activity, helps to increase the  sense of intimacy and love, which, in turn,  enhances sexual function and reproduction. 

‘• Endorphins released during sex increase  happiness, calmness, satisfaction, and  relaxation. These help reduce pain, stress,  fatigue, and negative thoughts. 

• The hormone serotonin, released after  sex, helps in the feeling of fulfilment,  satisfaction, and mood regulation (it acts as an  antidepressant), which helps increase optimism  in life. 

• Sex in marriage lowers divorce rates and  improves physical, mental, and emotional  health. 

Anu Mehta talks about the importance of  sorting out obstacles to a fulfilling married  life created by sexual dysfunction and stress 

Stress and negative emotions can mar our sex  life by releasing the hormone cortisol; alter  physiological functions by reducing the release  of hormones, testosterone, and oestrogen;  reduce sex drive; and decrease psychological  well-being.  

The key to sexual and marital happiness lies  in understanding the factors responsible for  sexual dysfunction and stress: 

• Our lifestyle 

Most individuals want to be successful human  beings and try their best to complete societal  expectations and duties within the assigned  age in their lifetime. Marriage and maturing  as a parent at an appropriate age becomes an  important milestone. 

These are individual goals, but marriage and  and enjoyable sex life are about  two people performing a  passionate dance of life by  being emotionally, mentally,  physically, and sexually in  sync to seek pleasure and  mutual trust. And this  calls for couples to relax,  calm down, and balance the  expenditure of their time,  space, and energy. Despite  knowing this, couples seem  to invest less and less time in  adventure and exploring each  other, and more and more  time to fit into their successful  cultural and career mould. By  the end of the day, they are  exhausted, bored, worried,  or stressed out, with no time to connect with themselves or  each other through sex. 

• Body image  

Many of us are not used to seeing 

ourselves naked. Consequently, allowing  ourselves to be in a vulnerable position with  another can cause anxiety and avoidance of  sexual proximity and initiation of sex, and  sexual dissatisfaction. 

• Insensitivity  

To create safety in the relationship, partners  must treat each other with respect and  sensitivity, and not try to control, threaten, or  manipulate each other. 

“Aditya married his girlfriend, Sheena, a  virgin and an aspiring model, who posted her  bikini-clad photographs on Instagram. In these  photographs, Aditya’s mother saw Sheena as  inappropriate, immoral, vulgar, available, and  cheap. Sheena felt insulted by her mother-in 

law, and their personal life and sex life fell  apart. 

• Lack of communication 

Communication is the key to a healthy sexual  life. When couples are aware of what pleases  or displeases their partners sexually,  they can create an  

excellent rapport  

with each  

other. 

Lack of mutual respect and understanding can lead to a loss of physical intimacy between couples 

Most couples do not have effective  communication skills and are ignorant of each  other’s sexual preferences, needs, fantasies, and  desires, which can be a source of exhaustion,  disconnection, and dissatisfaction. 

• Presence of children  

Most couples believe that children add love  to life. Pregnancy, childbirth, and childcare  within available time and space is a lifetime  commitment and can create considerable  stress. The couple may experience anger as  they go through the drill of diapers, sleepless  nights, and personal expectations. Fluctuating  hormones post pregnancy can also be a big put off in sex life. 

• Inability to conceive 

Not being able to conceive a child can be  very stressful for a couple. Dr Ameet Patki,  an infertility specialist, says, “Highly driven,  successful, and educated A-type personalities  

with plum jobs may not have the time to  conceive a child but may opt to try for a child  under social pressure.” For them, conceiving a  child may gain priority over making love and  enjoying each other. Once this objective is  achieved, sexual intimacy may disappear as an  unnecessary task. 

• Job stress  

Undergoing intense stress in a high-profile job,  where one has to constantly meet targets and  deadlines, can decrease sperm volume, sperm  concentration, testosterone levels, and sex  drive, and lead to a sexless life. 

• Erectile dysfunction  

Depression, anxiety, diabetes, or a weight  problem can create erectile dysfunction and  impact sexual life adversely. 

It was surprising for Aman that he could  have a normal erection and have sex with a  

younger woman, his girlfriendw, but could not  sexually perform with his wife. He realised  that communication, which is vital for marital  intimacy, was missing in his marriage. He was  filled with rage for his wife as she reminded  him of his mother who nagged and cursed him  till she was alive. 

• Premature ejaculation  

When a man ejaculates too quickly, his partner  may feel cheated, dissatisfied, and sex-deprived. 

• Reasons for low sex drive in women Many women today undergo long work hours  in challenging jobs, or sleepless nights at  call centres, or choose to be an athlete and  participate in marathon races, which causes  hormonal flux and reduces their sex drive.  Hormonal flux is also responsible for the  medical condition amenorrhea, the absence of  menstruation during the reproductive years in  a woman. 

Contraceptives and certain medications can  also reduce sexual desire and libido. 

For a woman, menopause is a natural  biological process marked by a natural decline  in the reproductive hormones oestrogen and  testosterone at 40 to 50 years of age, and it  lowers her libido. 

• Experiencing pain during intercourse  Pain during sexual activity reduces self-esteem  and sexual satisfaction, and increases negative  thoughts about intercourse and the need to  avoid sexual activity altogether, affecting  personal relationships negatively. 

Dyspareunia is genital pain during or after  sexual intercourse, which can be caused by  vaginal dryness, vaginismus, endometriosis,  and labial fusion in women. 

Vaginal dryness, which can be due to a decrease 

in sex hormones, is the reduction of lubrication  during sexual intercourse, making sex painful. 

Vaginismus is an involuntary tensing of the  vaginal muscles, which too can make sex  painful. 

Labial fusion or labial adhesion is the sticking  together of the labia and may occur in the early  months of a girl child’s life, which can create  problems in adult sexual life. 

Endometriosis is a painful condition, wherein  the uterus lining — the endometrium — grows  outside the uterus and causes painful and heavy  periods and fertility issues. 

• Polycystic ovary syndrome  

Polycystic ovary syndrome can be a cause for  sexual dissatisfaction due to excessive secretion  of androgens, the male hormone. Lucy Rowett,  a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach,  says, “Some of the many ways trauma can  impact sexual response can be dissociating/ tuning out and leaving your body during sex;  numbness and physical pain; difficulty getting  aroused; flashbacks during physical arousal;  getting triggered, panic attacks; difficulty 

trusting your partner; wanting to have rougher  or more intense sex to be able to feel something;  or just feeling completely disconnected from  your body.” 

• Previous trauma of sexual abuse 

Diana’s story: Sexual molestation by maths  tutors at 15 years of age changed feminine,  happy, bubbly Diana (a virgin then) into a  reserved, serious, masculine woman, having a  negative self-image and suffering from fibroids  and heavy bleeding. The gynaecologist mistook  the bleeding for a miscarriage, which hurt  Diana mentally, socially, and sexually. 

Immediately after marrying Sagar at the age  of 34, Diana suffered heavy bleeding. The  emergency surgical removal of fibroids and  avoidance of penetrative sex for the next  few months caused huge sexual stress and a  breakdown of mutual communication. For  the world, they were and still are the most  happening, successful couple, sharing a  beautiful house and a brilliant daughter. Both  live diverse lives in two rooms of the same  house and have shared no sexual intimacy for  the past 22 years. 

• Sex phobia 

As the name suggests, sex phobia is the fear  of sex or sexual intimacy. Genophobia or  erotophobia are conditions that can cause  intense fear or panic around sexual intimacy. 

After marriage, Sheela could not understand  her extreme fear of penetrative sex, the sight of  her husband’s penis, and her need to run away  from her husband, especially during intimate  moments. During counselling sessions, she  recollected that at three years of age, a male  servant had sexually abused her, which made  her understand the reasons for her discomfort  with intimacy. 

• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) 

OCD can be a sexual dysfunction leading to  reduced libido, obsession with cleanliness, and  avoidance of any contact with bodily fluids. 

Mohan’s story is about his compulsive need to  wash the semen stains off the soiled bed sheets  after sexual activity, or to make his wife do  so. In the counselling session, Mohan told his  therapist how his mother had made him wash  bedsheets as a punishment for masturbating as  a teenager. 

The second story is about Bhavana compulsively  imagining having sex with her father, after  which she would feel horrible about herself and  keep washing herself and her hands. Even as a  teenager, Bhavana used to sleep between her  mother and father, and had seen them having  sex, which had left a negative impact on her  psyche. 

Gita started her first period at 14 years of age.  Her mother instructed her to avoid disposing of  the soiled period pads in a bin where her father  or brother could see them. So she would hide  stained period pads in a black bag and throw  them out the window into the junkyard where  strays would roam around looking for food.  Later, she would wake up at night to obsessively  wash her underwear and bedsheet with soap  and a scrubber to clean and hide signs of her  period overflow. She felt guilty about becoming  a grown woman and blocked herself from  fully experiencing sexual pleasure or enjoying  romance. 

Mohan, Bhavana, and Gita had strong religious  upbringings and negative sexual beliefs of  perceiving sex as a messy activity, a taboo to be  hidden and avoided. 

•Epigenetic trauma carried over generations Science proves that when your grandmother was  carrying your mother in her womb, you were a  

tiny egg in her ovary. Thus your grandmother’s,  and your mother’s sexual trauma, conditioning,  beliefs, and health status can impact our present  sexual life at conscious or unconscious levels,  which can move down our lineage. 

Let us visit the story of four women — great grandmother, grandmother, mother, and  granddaughter — living similar destinies  and carrying the burden of unhealthy sexual  patterns. 

Great-grandmother’s family suffered from  poverty. She was married at 16 to a wealthy,  old widower to provide a better future for her  family. This marriage was sexually, emotionally,  and mentally not compatible. The process of  sexual activity in the marriage was a painful,  soulless act without grace, love, respect, and  dignity, leaving her feeling neglected, unloved,  unhappy, dissatisfied, angry, and trapped in the  marriage. 

The same conditioning of four women carried on  for at least 150 years. No amount of education,  self-empowerment, and money earned over the  generations could make them feel loved and  secure about their future. They avoided sex  with their husbands. 

It was only when the daughter’s daughter, in  the present, started feeling anxious about her  relationship with men and started showing  a desire to be in a homosexual relationship  instead of a heterosexual relationship did her  mother seek help. 

These patterns survive and become survival  strategies within the generations to make them  feel safe. 

“If you don’t laugh during sex at least once,  you’re having sex with the wrong person.” —  Unknown. 

To create this laughter, safety, and compatibility,  couples have to seek professional help to solve  the difficulties they are facing in their personal  and sexual life by letting go of judgements, fear,  anger, and anxiety. This can create awareness  of the triggers that are preventing them from  experiencing an ideal sexual intimacy. 

Meditation, yoga, and deep breathing can help  most couples transform their everyday life  stress responses into relaxation responses and  improve the quality of their sex life. These  techniques can aid them in achieving immense  mutual pleasure and love.