Sharing Dark night of the soul

Sharing Dark night of the soul

September 2024

My Dark Night of the Soul 

Journalist Ashish Virmani, recalls a particularly trying phase of life and cannot feel  grateful enough for it, as it helped him find his life-purpose 

In my over five decades of existence thus  far, I have generally found that the nature  of human existence usually alternates  between times of joy and times of struggle. Yet  there is a phenomenon that challenges this  rhythm of life’s ‘ups and downs.’ It happens  to some, not all – to the sort of people who  are preparing for a major reset in life. It is  called ‘The Dark Night of the Soul’ and, as  the phrase implies, is an extremely dark and  hopeless time.  

When one is experiencing this reality, one’s  most cherished beliefs come crashing down  and one no longer knows what to believe in.  One feels powerless and overwhelmed with  the lack of freedom and control over one’s life.  Mostly this phase is a prelude to seeking and  finding an alternative belief system, very often  spiritual, that is durable and not susceptible  to collapse.  

The downfall 

In my own case too, my spiritual awakening to  Buddhism in 1998 was preceded by the Dark  Night of the Soul, especially in the two or three  years before the awakening.  

To give you a bit of background – Since the  early 1990s – when I was in my mid-twenties  – I have been working as a journalist in the  mainstream media in Mumbai. After I finished  my higher studies in the USA, my parents were  

there to take care of me in Mumbai. I drifted  along as a journalist, doing a job, but not really  understanding my purpose in life. As the days  passed, and without realising, I started sliding  downwards, leading a carefree and somewhat  irresponsible life. My irresponsibility soon  led me to addiction, and by 1996, I was out of  job and seeing a psychiatrist. In 1997, I was  led to a rehabilitation centre in another city  where, to add to my confusion, three deaths  triggered the collapse of my cognitive beliefs. 

The first of these was the death of Princess  Diana in 1997 in a car accident in Paris. The  Princess of Wales had been a personal and  family icon from the time she came into the  public eye in 1982. I had followed her life  path avidly, like millions around the world,  and she was the epitome of style, beauty,  riches and freedom in my eyes. That she  died an agonising death in a car crash in a  tunnel while being chased by paparazzi was a  dreadful and unforeseen end. It caused me to  seriously question my values as a journalist in  the weeks and months that followed. 

Back-to- back shocks 

The second event which contributed to  my Dark Night of the Soul was the death of  a Mumbai-based music tycoon, whom I had  encountered as a journalist. He was a self 

made man who had found his way to fame and  riches through films and the music industry. In 

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fact, the first Bollywood event I had attended as a  journalist in the late 1980s, was the celebration of  one of his films. Subsequently I attended several  events organised by his company, assigned to  me by my editor. This man was supposedly the  toast of society and media, and had wealth, fame,  social status, family unity et al. That he was  eventually murdered in a degrading way, by an  alleged ‘supari’ killer, made me question the very  meaning and purpose of life. What was actually  worth living for in this life? Were all the things  that society held in high esteem, ineffective in  the face of death? 

The third event, on the personal front, was the  death of one of my rich uncles at his farmhouse in  Mehrauli, near Delhi, in 1996. He was a jet-setting  man, the pride of the extended family and had  lived a la dolce vita – alongside his wife and two  children – for most of his life. The children had  studied and distinguished themselves at the best  schools and universities in the world. But after  his death, his wife, (my aunt), was incarcerated  on the suspicion of having murdered him, and his  daughter underwent a complete and irreversible  breakdown. Not only was it a huge shock for the  entire clan but a personal jolt for me as I was a  sensitive person. In a way I didn’t know what or  who to believe in any more.  

There was a limbo in my life – I did not have a job  and was struggling with the loss of my beliefs. At  that time, all I felt around me, was an enveloping  darkness and not much hope for the future. My  parents, God bless their souls, did their very best  

to support me but, were suffering tremendously  on my account. My dad, in his seventies then,  and a retired officer from the British-Indian  army did not have a spiritual framework in life  to guide me to. Like many from his generation,  he had lived and believed in the philosophy  of scientific-materialism – and had allotted  religion a marginal role in his life and family.  

The light shines through 

In my case the process of the birthing of the new  Self, began with my mother introducing me to  Buddhism in 1998. On my return to Mumbai  from the rehab centre, I got a job of a reporter  in a newspaper and also began practising  spirituality. I must mention, with extreme  gratitude, that I have never looked back in the  last 26 years, growing from strength to strength,  thanks to the power of my faith in Buddhism.  

In retrospect, I’ve been fortunate to have an  18-year long career in the mainstream media  post my breakdown. In the latter half of my  media career, I moved away from writing about  celebrities and luxury to spiritual writing,  which arose from a deep yearning within me. I  am extremely grateful for the many things that  spirituality has brought into my life – most of  all for giving me a second chance at life and  opening a whole new world to me. I am also  grateful for my awakening to my life- purpose  as a result. I firmly believe that my Dark Night  of the Soul, though painful, was the prelude  to perhaps the most significant event of my  lifetime – my spiritual awakening.

Ashish Virmani, a mainstream journalist for over 18 years, found maximum fulfilment in spiritual writing. He  has interviewed personalities like Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, Sadhguru, Deepak Chopra, Swami Parthasarathy, Suna ndaji, and others, who led him to a path within himself that he has ever since pursued. As a practising Buddhist,  he has written substantially about Buddhism and now devotes himself to his Buddhist practice full-time.