The isness of suferring

The isness of suferring

September 2023

The Isness of Suffering

A recent situation compelled Suma Varughese to confront and transcend her  lifelong aversion to suffering 

Despite my absolute  conviction that life is a  school whose curriculum  is the problems that beset us  and that these problems are our  avenue for growth, happiness,  and eventual enlightenment, I  have never reconciled myself to  the suffering that is so intrinsic  to the human condition. Each  time problems visited me and  brought suffering in their wake,  I would bewail my fate and rave  and rant at God. Yes, eventually  I would accept them, work my  way through them, and emerge  a better person, but I could not  accept this design of life and,  therefore, I could not accept  living. I was half-hearted in my  commitment to life, and at the  slightest suffering, I would beg  God to take me away.  

This manifested as a constant  resistance to life, which filled my  body with stress. My jawline was  so tight that it would hurt, and my  fingers were perennially curled  into balls. Fear was another  manifestation of my inability to  accept the fact of suffering.  

This pattern rose sharply to the  surface in 2021–2022 when my  sister Sheela’s cancer became  terminal. Her suffering (stoically  borne) was immense, and so was  mine on witnessing her pain. I  simply could not reconcile myself  to it. I grieved, I protested, but I  could not find a way to accept  it. Even after my sister passed  away, her suffering stayed in my  consciousness as an aftershock  that would not go away.  

Around that time, I also found  that I had been put on a higher  arc of growth that enabled me to  move towards greater and greater  acceptance of my mind-stuff  from the perspective of being  a witness. For the first time, I  experienced a small separation  between me and the mind-stuff.  I could viscerally experience the  spiritual truth that I was not my  thoughts, feelings, or physical  sensations. Over time, I began  to gain some ascendancy over  these areas. And yet, the fact of  suffering was still unassailable.  

Recently, I found myself in  a situation that promised  fulfilment but also had the  possible threat of future suffering  embedded in it. My first impulse  was to back away because I did  not want the suffering it may  bring. But this time, I battled this  impulse. Why should I run away  simply out of the fear of future  suffering? For the first time, I  told myself I was willing to accept  whatever suffering came my way  because that was the only option  available to me. There was no  way I could stop it from being.  Why not accept this fact and free  myself of the fear? 

I also discern that now that I am  amenable to suffering, the fear  that I have been marinated in for  as long as I can remember may  actually leave. Even my lifelong  procrastination may disappear  now that I am willing to suffer  the effort of doing what I need to  do when I need to do it. 

I have also understood that my  constant veil of thoughts which  took me away from the present  moment was my way of running  away from pain. Maybe my  newfound acceptance would  eventually and finally establish  me in the present moment?  At any rate, this new space is  inclining me towards enjoying all  the joy at my disposal, and that is  reward enough. 

Suma Varughese is a teacher of words and wisdom.  She broadcasts spiritual truths and a love for  writing in her various capacities as columnist,  writer, writing coach, and the founder-facilitator  of the popular Zen of Good Writing Course. She  is the former editor of Life Positive and Society  magazines. She has authored Travelling Light,  Travelling Lighter, and 50 Life Lessons. She can be  contacted at sumavarughese@gmail.com 

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