You matter

You matter

February 2024

You Matter 

Dr. Bijal Maroo investigates the dynamics  of Mattering and Anti-mattering and the  role they play in our well-being as well as our  misery 

A couple is in the middle of their rendezvous, when  the boy announces that he will be travelling  for a few days. Wistfully, he asks his girlfriend,  “Will you miss me while I am gone?” Most partners in a  relationship have this concern uppermost in their minds.  Have you ever thought of the reason? 

Why does the firstborn experience sibling jealousy when  the second child appears on the threshold?  Well, in both instances, the man and the child are  plagued by the imminent loss of ‘Mattering’ from the  

significant other or the group (family). Mattering is a  feeling that is intense for most people—a feeling that they matter to someone. In psychological terms,  

Mattering denotes how a person feels when they  are seen, heard, and accepted by the society around them.  

It is a well-known fact that even our house  plants wither away when neglected. It is not  enough to just water them daily. Attention and  nurturing by way of trimming here or there  or by moving the pots around a bit help the  plants flourish. In the Marathi movie Amhi  Doghi, one of the protagonists is ailing from a  major ailment that leaves her exhausted and  drained on most days. Yet, she makes it a point  to move the potted plants around. She is asked  by her stepdaughter as to why she is making  such a herculean effort when she isn’t keeping  well. To this, she replied, “Just so that they feel  good!” 

Our existence has no meaning unless  someone knows that we exist  

Quantum physics has proved beyond doubt  that things exist only when there is an observer.  The famous double-slit experiment proved  that particles did not exist (they were like  some ephemeral wave) until an observer came  along, and then individual particles became  discernible.  

Advaita Vedanta talks about the fundamental  

principles of the Universe. The Universe arises,  exists, and dissolves in Consciousness. The  Universe exists only because there is a witness  (Sakshi). This means that the witnessing  Consciousness creates the Universe merely by  observing it. Hence, our Universe and all of us  humans, who are a part of the Universe, exist  because the Consciousness or the ‘witnessing  presence’ is observing us. This witnessing  presence has been assigned many names such  as God, the Supreme Being, the Creator, etc.  Hence, our existence has no meaning unless  someone knows we exist. Without the attentive  and appreciative observer, what is the point in  putting up any performance or achieving any  goal? 

It is not enough to just belong; one must  matter 

Man is a social animal. So, we need to belong— to family, social, and community groups. We  love being part of a circle of friends and a clique  at the workplace. However, our needs don’t  stop with just the experience of belongingness.  We need to take it a step further towards  Mattering.  

The movie Amhi Doghi highlights the significance of Mattering 

Quantum physics has proved beyond doubt that things  exist only when there is an observer. The famous double slit experiment proved that particles did not exist (they  were like some ephemeral wave) until an observer came  along, and then individual particles became discernible. 

Gorden Flett is a professor in the Department  of Psychology at York University and former  Associate Dean of Research in the Faculty of  Health. He has done ground-breaking research  on ‘Mattering as a positive force in people’s  lives.’ In his book, The Psychology of Mattering— 

Understanding the Human Need to be Significant, he explains how Mattering is experienced: 

Attention and appreciation: a) I and my  actions are noticed by others. b) A feeling  that I am appreciated for my qualities and  my good actions. 

This is why we find social media so addictive.  The more likes and comments we garner, the  more we think we matter. I am part of two very  active WhatsApp groups. Both platforms make  me feel heard and appreciated for my input.  When the members hear my songs or read my  posts and like them, I bask in the attention. 

Noted absence: A realisation that I am  missed when I am absent. This sends a  message that someone cares for me. 

Most people do the disappearing act so that they  

can hear these precious words on their return:  “I missed you so much!” 

Importance: A feeling of being important  as my opinion is sought and I am consulted  at the time of decision-making. 

Companies in which all employees are asked  for their suggestions perform significantly  better than the competition. This is because  the employees feel that they count and become  personally invested in their companies.  Thus, Mattering is important to motivate the  workforce.  

Dependence: I am given responsibilities,  hence I feel that others depend on me. 

Oprah Winfrey credits her fourth-grade  teacher, Mrs Mary Duncan, as the first person  who helped turn her life around. Mrs Duncan  assigned classroom tasks to Oprah so that she  felt she was significant. This pulled Oprah out  of the rut her life was in at that time. 

Ego extension: My dreams, hopes, and  concerns are heard. So, I recognise that  someone is emotionally invested in me. 

Many success stories are authored by teachers  and mentors who stay personally invested in  the performance and careers of their students  and mentees. Purna Malavath was the youngest  Indian and youngest female to summit Mt  Everest. She could achieve this feat due to the  untiring efforts of Dr Repalle Shiva Praveen  Kumar IPS. He recognised and mentored her  while he was the secretary of the Telangana  Social Welfare Residential Educational  Institutions Society. 

Individuation: There is a special mention  or description of my positive attributes in a  manner that makes me stand out in a crowd.  This is a feeling of being unique. 

Everyone loves receiving personalised notes  about what is special about them as a person  and how their contribution or performance was  unique. We all love the spotlight on us, isn’t it?  

Anti-mattering 

‘Anti-mattering’ is the term coined to show how  a person feels insignificant.  

Have you ever been part of a team but felt side  lined and unincluded? It happened to me once  when I was not allowed to voice my opinions  or share my ideas as we planned our group  performance. I wanted to slink away from that  place as I felt alienated and marginalised.  

Negative attention is better than no attention  reveals actress Ashley Judd in her autobiography,  All That is Bitter and Sweet. As a child, she  suffered tremendous emotional neglect as she  was left alone at home by her mother and sister  for days on end. She felt that even physical  abuse is a shade better than emotional abuse or  emotional neglect. According to her, though the  child gets hurt in physical abuse, it still entails  some interaction with the abuser. In contrast, an  emotionally neglected child can conclude that  they matter so little that they are not even worth  hitting.  

Anti-mattering can lead people to become  extremely submissive and masochistic to gain  approval in their social circles. According to  Eric Fromm, the German social psychologist and  

Actress Ashley Judd suffered from extreme parental neglect 

When a person feels that he doesn’t matter,  he concludes that nobody will miss him when  he is gone. Many such people attempt suicide.  

Mattering is the antidote that might pull a  person back from the brink of suicide.psychoanalyst, such people crucify themselves  on the cross of conformity. Thus, unfortunately,  they end up distancing themselves from their  individuality and their spontaneity.  

We must note that Mattering is a two-way  street. When a person makes an effort to show  others that they matter, it is more likely that  they receive feedback indicating that the  others matter as well. Hence, the person who  experiences Anti-mattering faces a double  whammy. They withdraw socially as they  experience a dearth of positive social feedback.  Now, they are unable to convey to other people  that they matter. As a result, other people  neglect them further resulting in a vicious  circle of Anti-mattering.  

Mattering provides psychological protection.  Anti-mattering corrodes the well-being of  an individual to such an extent that it can  trigger socially unacceptable behaviours.  John Harrigan, an award-winning director,  screenwriter, and producer says, “People need  loving the most when they deserve it the least.”  When a person feels that he doesn’t matter, he  concludes that nobody will miss him when he  is gone. Many such people attempt suicide.  

Mattering is the antidote that might pull a  person back from the brink of suicide. 

‘You Matter’ was the suicide-prevention  campaign in the USA, that was inspired by the  movie It’s a Wonderful Life. The protagonist,  George Bailey, has given up his dreams to help  others in his community. He despairs when  $8000 is lost rather than deposited into the  bank. He tries to raise the money by mortgaging  his insurance policy. However, he is snubbed  and told that he is worth more dead than alive.  He takes these words to heart and contemplates  suicide. His guardian angel, Clarence, saves  him. He shows George all the lives he touched  and how he made a difference to his town,  Bedford Falls, and its people.  

How to increase the Mattering Quotient in  our life 

As technology invaded our life, we cut back  on face-to-face meetings in favour of phone  calls. Now, we avoid calling people in favour  of WhatsApp messages. Our fast-paced lives  leave no room for bosses to set aside even 30  minutes for annual appraisals at the workplace.  Thus, employees end up feeling severely  marginalised after slogging for the company  the whole year round. Companies employ  Interactive Voice Response Systems (IVRS) and  Artificial Intelligence (AI) voice bots as money saving techniques to deal with their customers.  However, the impersonal feeling one gets while  talking to a machine, and the lost opportunity  to make connections, might result in levels of  Anti-mattering rising.  

We must remember that for prison inmates,  the second worst punishment after the  death sentence is solitary confinement. It is  known to drive people crazy because of the  serious psychological damage it causes. In  his autobiography, Long Walk to Freedom,  Nelson Mandela says, “After a time in solitary,  I found myself on the verge of initiating  conversations with a cockroach. Nothing is  more dehumanising than the absence of human  companionship.” 

So, how can we demonstrate Mattering to  people in our circles? 

• Fostering a positive relationship: Most  mothers feel insecure and threatened by  their new daughter-in-law. The daughter in-law can approach the mother-in-law  for recipes or to learn how to drape a sari.  It makes the senior lady feel important  and will encourage a better interpersonal  relationship. 

• Fostering self-worth: Retired people  feel insignificant or sidelined when their  children ask them to take it easy and relieve  them of their responsibilities. Instead,  

continue approaching them for advice  and ask them to play referee to mitigate  quarrels. The retirees feel depended upon  and hence regain their sense of Mattering. 

• Training the spotlight: Make birthdays  special for your close friends and loved  ones. Let go of the impersonal WhatsApp  messages and, instead, pick up the phone.  Call and wish them in your cheery voice.  Give them your time instead of gifting  something to them. 

Recognising the uniqueness: Avoid the  emoticons and type out personalised  and heartfelt gratitude and appreciation  messages or send a voice note. The receiver  can bask in the specialness that they are. 

Expressing affection: Let people know  that you are thinking of them by making  random calls or sending thinking-of-you  messages. 

Showing Concern: Inquire about people’s  health and well-being when you note their  absence. 

The secret power of giving works such that you  only ever get what you give. Once you start  giving something, not only do you start getting  it back, but much more. Hence, when you make  others feel like they matter, you increase not  just their Mattering Quotient, but yours too gets  multiplied manifold. Remember, Mattering is a  two-way street. 

Dr Bijal Maroo is an art based therapy practitioner, homeopathic consultant, counselling and  health psychologist since 20 years. She reflect on life through her gifts as a writer, poet and singer.  Contact- drbijjalmaru@rediffmail.com or visit www.drbijalmaroo.com