Becoming Whole

Becoming Whole

March 2013

By Suma Varughese

Wherever we are, the journey of our lives is about taking the next step and in that next step lies not just our self-reliance, but our happiness, health and eventually spiritual progress, says Suma Varughese

On a recent visit to Kerala, a couple of vignettes burnt strongly into my consciousness. One was of an elderly gentleman, otherwise fit, left to fend for himself after his wife passed away a couple of years ago. Kerala patriarchs are not brought up to look after themselves and the old gentleman soon fell ill and was hospitalized. His four children all live abroad. The one closest to India came and after nursing him at the hospital, placed him in an old folks’ home. Extremely unhappy there, he finally managed to get himself released and is now back at home, full of bitterness about his fate. “I have never harmed anyone, why did this happen to me?” he asked. His children, apparently, are unwilling to take care of him. And he, poor fellow, is unable to do so. The other relates to the siblings of an old friend of mine. The brother and sister, both in their 60s, had never married, presently hold no jobs, and now live in the family home, cared for by an old retainer that their other family members pay to take care of them. Neither of them knows how to cook or to care for the house and spend their time in querulous jousts with each other. The brother, whose self-effacement is so extreme that he appears like a shadowy wisp in company, has now found in his self-deprecatory sister someone he can actually bully. He delights in ordering her about, stopping her from picking up fruit from the garden, and barking at her to cover up, when her pallav inadvertently slips. The poor lady, meanwhile, is so cowed down and crushed that even the maid lords over her with impunity. There is talk of her planning to buy herself a flat once the old home is sold and moving out of her brother’s clutches, while taking the maid with her. The maid is willing to go along, for her beady eyes are upon the flat she intends to manipulate her mistress to leave behind for her. Without self-reliance, my friends, life has us by our short hairs. It picks us up effortlessly and twirls us around like batons; and we have no option but to submit. For life’s stern edict is this: progress or perish. We are here to grow and those of us who do not learn this, or despite knowing it cannot apply ourselves to it, set ourselves up for suffering. The imperative of growth Even the tiniest particle of life is governed by this dictum – one could say growth is the nature of life itself. Every blade of grass therefore knows that its job is to push up from its womb of soil and birth itself in the great outdoors regardless of the odds. Birth it does, often cracking apart mighty rocks or concrete slabs. How does this fragile wisp manage this humungous task? Simply by never giving up. This applies as much to the tiniest amoeba intent on its appointed task of multiplying itself as it does to nature’s finest creation, man. Babies instinctively know their trajectories and energetically apply themselves to the next step, whether it is falling on their stomachs, crawling, and finally, oh, magical moment, taking that first unsteady step towards proud self reliance. But somewhere along the way, many of us tend to lose that natural momentum. The psyche, ever fragile, picks up messages both from the outside world and its own self and fashions an identity for itself. That, combined with the baggage of karma it has brought with it, will greatly determine its progress in life. If self-doubt, lack of self-assurance, fear of failure, sloth and other impediments cripple it, the life force’s natural impetus towards self-reliance is halted and the person’s life path can stagnate. If however, despite the adversities that swarm around like flies, the psyche holds true to its instinct towards growth, it will increasingly enjoy the rewards of self-reliance. In the process it will also stumble upon the secrets of happiness, success, relationships, prosperity and every other goal of life. Says Sharjah-based Asha Chandran Perincherry, “A bride at 22. A mother at 25. Then at 26, I was back home to my parents in a small, sleepy and rustic village in Palakkad, Kerala, with an adorable girl child aged just six months in my left hand and my PG degree certificate in my right hand. I started life afresh when my marriage failed. “With the wonderful support of my parents and my five younger siblings, I began with baby steps like getting a B.Ed. Today, as an educator working in a girls’ school, I am well employed. My daughter is married. My daughter, parents and siblings are proud that I have reached where I have. When I look back, I am grateful to every event that happened in my life. They challenged me. Tried me. Brought the best and at times the worst out of me. But being the fighter that I am, I never gave up. I spread this message of self-reliance to my pupils when I get a chance. I believe I gave roots and wings to my daughter who is a science journalist and wildlife biologist. To me, my life is synonymous with self-reliance.” There speaks a survivor. One who has been tested and tried in the school of life and emerged triumphant. One who has used the adversities of life as an instrument of growth. And who has used every challenge as a stepping stone to greater self-reliance and achievement. One whom life has expanded instead of contracting. Like Asha, others too have used their life situation positively. Past-life regression therapist, Sharmila Shirish Dhabole, based in Aurangabad, Maharashtra, shares, “I got married to an Army officer, 23 years back. I had lots of expectations from my husband, including shopping for essentials. However, his professional commitments prevented him despite my cribbing about it. Then I decided to take control in my hands. I dropped all expectations from my husband and started doing everything on my own. I used to make my one-year-old stand in front on the scooter and the older one sit behind and go to even the hospital for vaccination. After that period, I never waited for anyone to do my work. I became confident, learnt a lot of things and life was never the same…I was proud of myself and always happy!” Says Neeta Sharma, a Delhi-based founder of the holistic healing center, Anjul Jyoti, ‘I learnt to be self-reliant at the age of six months when my sick mother suddenly stopped breast feeding. She could neither hold me nor take me in her lap due to her illness. I was taken care of by my granny, but I was told that I was so angry, and distraught that my whole body shook with the pain of seeing my mom, without being able to go to her. It took one whole year for my mother to get well and by then I had become a pro in the lesson of self-reliance. I refused to eat from the hands of another person. I drank milk from a glass from the age of six months directly.” Sharmila Shirish Dhabole: Managing her lifeand loving it Neeta even went on her own to get a laproscopy done for biopsy of her uterus. “I was given general anesthesia, and signed the declaration paper for surgery myself. I came back to my senses after three hours, took a rickshaw and went home.” There was a time when low self-esteem and a low-grade depression had frozen my potential and locked me in a state of near paralysis. I was under confident and unskilled in home management and cooking, and virtually any skill needed to keep body and soul together. So gawky had I been that I froze on social occasions and left it to my more capable sisters to manage the day, because I was sure I would goof up. Those days I stood on the periphery of life, hardly daring to take a step forward, because I was sure I would tie myself up in knots. I leaned heavily for support on my family, especially my sister Susan, who I lived with. Since then I have come a long way, learning steadily all the skills I needed to stand on my own two feet. Today, my home management skills are pretty good for my house is impeccably kept, I enjoy entertaining and am a lauded cook! I manage my finances, though I am not great at it, and take care of my needs. Being unmarried, self-reliance is a way of life. Going to doctors alone, going on trips alone, and managing one’s entertainment needs on one’s own are more or less part of the territory. My resolution for this year is to get competent on the technological front.Computers and almost all forms of technology baffle me. When dealing with them, am anxious and unsure, and need a lot of hand-holding. My compassionate colleagues supply this for me at the moment, but I look forward to the time when I can stand on my own two feet in this zone as well. The call of the New Age In the context of the New Age we have all stepped into, the imperative for self-reliance is even more absolute. For the call of the times is for each of us to be whole and complete. In the earlier era we got by with a little help from family and friends, and two halves got married to become one. In the New Age, we are meant to plug in our holes and heal ourselves of all our emotional, mental and physical needs. In the New Age, couples will marry not to complete themselves but to experience the love and joy that emerges when whole meets whole. In the New Age people will joyfully explore their potentials and work at becoming their own person in every way instead of being dependent on others for any need, be it financial, physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. For the truth is that any dependency gives rise to unhealthy relationships and unwholesome power play. This is particularly true when it comes to man-woman relationships. All the imbalances, tyrannies, inequities and horrors of the previous patriarchal age can be blamed on