Saying No

Saying No

August 2024

Learning to say ‘NO’

Years of going overboard, in an  effort to please others, Jamuna  Rangachari realises that the attitude wasn’t winning her friends or getting approval from others, rather it was  making her stressed and unhappy 

I used to always say yes to everyone just to  make them happy. I never thought of their  significance in my life and whether what  they asked from me was doable or reasonable.  Because of this, I used to remain stressed,  jumping from one task to another, without  making anyone happy, including myself.  

It was during that time that I did a course  in project management in the company I  worked for, where one chapter was on defining  priorities. Serendipitously, my colleague who  was also a friend asked me what was the most  important thing I wished to have in my life.  

Without thinking much, I just blurted  ‘happiness.’ She smiled and said, “Jamuna,  you have all the cards in your life to make that  happen. A husband who loves you, two lovely  children and even a mother-in-law who is  accepting and loving. Surely, you need to just  give these aspects all your attention and time  and discard anything that is coming in the way  of your happiness.” Truly, I needed to introspect  to see what it was that was not making me  happy. If there was no external factor, it had to  be an internal one. I needed to understand what  it was that I was doing to add unhappiness in  my life. 

I began applying the principles of project  management in my life and began noting the  anomalies. I realised that I never prioritised  my own happiness over that of others. I had  led a kind of nomadic childhood, where I often  moved homes and lived with different people.  In the process I learnt to redefine myself based  on the place and people I was living with to earn  their validation. I said yes to everyone who  asked me for any kind of help without thinking  whether it was feasible for me. Fortunately, life  did not throw a drastic challenge at me around  that time. However I made myself a people pleaser as a result. 

This attitude made me always think of the  other person’s requirements, at the expense of  my needs. To the extent that I didn’t even know  what my real interests in life were. I began  redefining my life by pleasing myself first and  not others as the first priority. The first lesson I  learnt in this process was that loving oneself is  not being selfish which is what I used to think  earlier. 

Learning to refuse 

Once my neighbour asked me if I could take  care of her children for a couple of days as she  was travelling with her friends. The old me  would have agreed without thinking about what  it entailed just to please her though I knew that  she hardly helped anyone in our colony. 

I told her that I had an important project that I  needed to complete at that time so I would not  be able to take care of her children. She did not  expect this reply and walked away angrily as if  it was my duty to comply. 

This resulted in that neighbour not being too  friendly with me later on which didn’t bother  me at all.  

In my office, where I worked as a software  professional, colleagues who had missed their  deadlines would ask me to help them and I  would ungrudgingly do so without thinking if  it was doable or not. This often made me work  day and night for someone else’s needs.  

This attitude resulted in me getting a bad name  in my group. I became known as a people- pleaser  who would say yes to everyone for everything.  Since I did not take myself seriously, others too  did not take me seriously. This made me even  more of a people-pleaser instead of changing  myself. This is the mistake that most people  make in the journey of their lives.

My philosophy earlier was that I should set  an example for everyone. This made me agree  to do just anything without thinking only to  get caught in a whirlpool of stress and lack of  time. I realised that being fake was not a good  example for anyone let alone myself. There is a  difference between being helpful to others and  agreeing to do anything just to be seen as a good  person at the cost of your peace and priorities.  I began to realise this subtle difference. 

I remember I used to tell my children not to say  yes just to please me but because they meant  it. However, in my own life, was I not doing  this and therefore setting a bad example. As  children learn more from observation rather  than teaching. I certainly did not want my  children to be people- pleasers like me so vowed  to work on myself. 

Happiness at last 

We think that our actions are ours alone but  they impact others as well. The people- pleaser  Jamuna caused issues for everyone at home.  They had to accept me as an ‘ever saying yes’  person without a choice. This often resulted in  them doing certain things unhappily. 

As my new attitude began to be noticed by  others, the number of my so-called friends  decread quite a bit but I noticed that the  genuine ones remained. This added to my  happiness quotient.  

My family was pleased to see the new version  of myself. My children too saw me less stressed  and this made them happier. Earlier, the  children had thought that saying yes to all was  the way to be as they saw me do so. Now, they  understood that saying yes just to please others  is not the way to live life. They even began to  ask me how to say no politely when something  was not possible. 

Overall, we all understood that being genuine  and saying yes only when we wished to is the  best way to lead life, both individually and as  a family.

Jamuna Rangachari, the former assistant editor of Life Positive, has authored two  books for children, and compiled and interpreted Teaching Stories-I and II for Life  Positive. Write to her at jamunarangachari@gmail.com.