This and That

This and That

August 2015

By Megha Bajaj

I realized to be whole meant to accept both happiness and sadness as passing clouds – while both are me, both are not me, says Megha Bajaj

We hear the word “whole” so often. I wondered, one of those days – what does it mean to me to become whole? The answers that came are expressed below, in very few words. In reality, the answer, and the journey, is worth an eternity. For now, a few moments:

The one who laughs at the silliest jokes and sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night to smile about something beautiful, is me. The one who cries in anger and pain, sometimes loudly, sometimes silently, too is me. I realized to be whole meant to accept both happiness and sadness as passing clouds – while both are me, both are not me.

The one who loves being with her family, and her friends – the one who can keep secrets and share some too, is me. The one who just wants to be left alone, and feels incomplete with people, and complete with self, too is me. I realised to be whole means to accept relationships and solitude as important aspects of life – often one giving meaning to the other.

The one who likes doing things to perfection – who does not like to see even a comma out of place as a writer is me. The one who enters the kitchen, making people around nervous and creates absolute wreckage there, too is me. I realised to be whole we need to love all the beautiful habits, and make peace with the ugly ones too. Someday, somehow, we will all turn over a new leaf.

The one who loves. The one who doesn’t. The one who dreams. The one who gives up. The one who succeeds. The one who fails. The one who is loved. The one who is not. The beautiful one. The ugly one. The spiritual one. The material one. The professional one. The lazy one. It’s me. All me.

I used to always think, to become whole meant to always be in a state of happiness. I used to think, to become whole meant to always be perfect. I used to think, to become whole meant to reach somewhere, OUT THERE. But no, time after time, experience after experience, I realised that whole was not a faraway goal, a dreamland where everything would be just the way I wanted it. To be whole meant to accept what is. To be whole meant to know that there would be blissful sunrises and dark nights, and both are needed to make a day “whole”.

For too long I had wasted too much time trying to reach somewhere. I used to get frustrated with myself, I used to get angry, I used to feel useless. And then the answer came: If the process is negative, so will the outcome. Change the process, and the outcome changes.

I have taken away my right to judge myself, or others. I no longer want to see some distant, beautiful me. Rather, as I am, I want to live the moment.

The more and more I am doing this, the more accepting I am of myself, and life, as is – the more whole I feel.

The desk remains a little messy yet. I haven’t done my hour-long yoga yet. I listened to a song I love. I hugged someone and giggled. I watched the hills from my window. I know I need to email a few people before the day ends. My hair is going a little crazy in this weather. That book on the shelf is calling out to me. I smile. All is well. I am whole.

About the author :  Megha is, above all, a seeker. These days she is attempting to find herself in the role of a teacher through the online writing course designed by her. You can know more about her on www.wonderofwords.org