Are you in a healthy relationship
September 2004
By Luis S. R. Vas
Each spouse/partner should tick off the attitudes and behaviours characterising your relationship, then compare notes.
Each spouse/partner should tick off the attitudes and behaviours characterising your relationship, then compare notes.
1. Communication (including listening) is open and spontaneous.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
2. Clear and explicit rules and boundaries, which still allow for flexibility.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
3. Individuality, freedom, and personal identity is enhanced.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
4. Each person enjoys doing things for oneself, as well as for the other.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
5. Play, humour, and having fun together is commonplace.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
6. Each does not attempt to ‘fix’ or control the other.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
7. Acceptance of self and other (for our real selves).
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
8. Assertiveness: feelings and needs are expressed.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
9. Humility: able to let go of a need to ‘be right.’
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
10. Self-confidence and security in one’s own worth.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
11. Conflict is faced directly and resolved.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
12. Openness to constructive feedback.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
13. Each is trustful of the other.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
14. Balance of giving and receiving.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
15. Negotiations are fair and democratic.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
16. Tolerance: forgiveness of self and other.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
17. Mistakes are accepted and learned.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
18. Willingness to take risks and be vulnerable.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
19. Other meaningful relationships and interests exist.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
20. Each can enjoy being alone and privacy is respected.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
21. Personal growth, change and exploration are encouraged.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
22. Continuity and consistency are present in the commitment.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
23. Balance of closeness and separation from each other.
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
24. Each takes responsibility for his own behaviour and happiness (not blaming each other).
£ Always £ Sometimes £ Never.
scoring
Compare your answers with your partner’s. Discuss the importance of the characteristics neither has ticked and how you can work together to achieve these goals. If you cannot agree on what constitutes a healthy relationship, perhaps you should consider counselling.
7 tips to improve your relationships
1. Careful consideration. You meet the person of your dreams. But please calm yourself down long enough to listen to everything your partner says and assess its possible impact on your relationship. Carefully consider to all aspects of your partner’s character, words and behaviour so that you make balanced (mental as well as emotional) choices about love.
2. Calm. In the midst of a spirited disagreement, take the time to count to 20 (or 100 if you need to!) to calm yourself down and maintain your composure.
3. Courtesy. ‘Please’, ‘would you mind’, ‘excuse me’, and ‘thank you’ are important phrases to use freely at home as well as with the general public. During discussions express your thoughts, ask for what you want, and then give the floor over to your partner to respond. And listen!
4. Cooperation. In the spirit of cooperation, the couple agrees to respect each other, to avoid calling each other names, and to avoid bringing up old stuff that has nothing to do with the situation at hand.
5. Call. Call to say ‘hello’ from work. Call to say ‘I was thinking about how much I love you’. Call to say you ‘will be late’. Call to give advance notice that you are bringing home a guest. Call to ask if there is anything needed from the market.
6. Commitment. Commit to identifying a solution that works for the relationship. Your goal is to have a long-term, happy union, which may at times mean you have to concede a few points and find a middle ground.
7. Compromise. You give something to get something. You exchange desires sometimes because it makes your partner happy. It is good for your relationship or marriage, so you do it without keeping tabs.