Helping the young ones take wing

Helping the young ones take wing

Parenting is a tough yet rewarding journey, where the most unconditional love prevails. Parents  do everything possible for their children. But do they teach them adequately how to handle tough  times, asks Jamuna Rangachari? It is time we ponder on this. 

“If you can’t fly, run; If you can’t run, walk; If  

you can’t walk, crawl; but by all means keep  

moving,” -The late Martin Luther King Jr. 

Dealing with tough times is a lesson many of  us fail to impart to our children as we are always focussed on success and good times. I remember my late grandmother used to alwaysadvise us to keep trying and never give up on  any challenge we may be facing. I had shifted to  a Tamil school from an English medium one in  class VII and found it very difficult to write my  exams in Tamil as the script was alien to me till  then. At that time, she became my impromptu  teacher and guide, and made me read aloud all the Tamil magazines at home to her. Her advice “Jamuna, if you want to prove yourself, forget  about being the best, but just do your best,” was her mantra in all areas of life. And yes, this is  what has made me face the journey of life in  all situations, facing a challenge as just a challenge and not something that cannot be faced  or overcome. 

Learn through life’s challenges 

All of us are bound to face challenges in the  journey of our lives. This is what makes us  stronger. As parents, we need to guide and en courage our children too, so that they are not  afraid to face any adverse situations that come  their way. At the same time, they need the sup port and right guidance from their parents. As  parents, we need to make sure that we monitor  our children so that they do not take any un wanted risks they cannot handle.  

We must know that making children physically  fit and strong is not enough. Making them men tally strong is equally important. More specifi cally, making them strong enough so that they  can thrive alone in this world. The fact is that  those kids who face challenges become more in dependent and self-reliant.  

Mr C P Kumar, a retired Scientist from the Na tional Institute of Hydrology, Roorkee, Uttara khand, India, who is also a Reiki healer, says  that parents can play an essential role in help ing their children combat challenges. He sug gests that everyone should encourage a growth  mindset by teaching children to view challenges  as opportunities for growth and learning rath er than obstacles. They should also encourage  the young ones to embrace their mistakes and  failures, and use them as opportunities to learn  and improve. He asks parents to also provide  emotional support when children are facing  challenges and feels that it is essential that par ents let their children know that they believe in  them and are there to help them through diffi cult times. 

Ramdeo Chaudhary, a grandparent from Vara nasi, says, “Guiding restive and resistive young  minds to combat challenges is significant as  most not willing to listen to and obey their  peers and parents. The era of my children was  different, but I never tried to impose anything  on them. My sole objective was to create an at mosphere at home where children could learn  playfully. They used to feel pressurised some times due to the excessive burden of homework  and exams. I used to belittle their problems by  telling them stories of our childhood days when  child-beating was a common feature. I always  used to inject in them a sense of freedom while  suggesting playfully that they do whatever they  can.” 

Nowadays, people often do not take life seriously  enough and then fail when the going gets tough. Par ents often mollycoddle children or overprotect them.  

This again is not a good practice. Life needs to be  handled appropriately and not made too easy.

Parenting 27 

Making children mentally and emotionally strong is as important as making them physically fit.  Take challenges as a lesson Nowadays, people often do not take life se riously enough and then fail when the going  gets tough. Parents often mollycoddle children  or overprotect them. This again is not a good  practice. Life needs to be handled appropriate ly and not made too easy. This cannot be taught  overnight but should be made a part of life. For  instance, I would always be late for my school  bus and would be asked to walk instead of be ing given money for an autorickshaw, unlike  other children. I then began to take the school  bus timings very seriously. To date, this has in stilled a basic consciousness of time in me. 

Pulkit Sharma, a psychoanalyst from Puducherry, says, “All parents should encourage  their children by highlighting and appreci ating their strengths. When children receive  validation and encouragement from their par ents, they develop a strong and powerful sense  of self. This lays down a robust foundation to  combat all challenges in the future.” 

Do not rebuke them if they fail Not understanding children’s challenges is  another common feature. Mr Ramdeo says, “I  used to practise outer detachment but silent in ner involvement with the children’s challenges  to find solutions to pass on to them in a play ful manner. For example, my grandson [now  an advocate] used to get poor marks in maths  in his tutorials, tests, and exams. My daughter  [his mother] used to scold him unnecessarily  for neglecting this subject. As they were stay ing close to our house, every Sunday, I used to  call on him to understand the root of his prob lems, which I found out in two or three meet ings. He used to get confused while trying to  grasp theorems in geometry. I rewrote the text  of this subject [100 pages] and shared it with  him part by part to ensure that he assimilated  it easily. He was so happy to grasp them and  another portion of mathematics also. Since a  good score in maths is essential for an overall  higher percentage, I helped him gain complete  

Whenever the child is feeling helpless in a  situation, the parent needs to talk to them at  length and guide them about how to deal with  the situation effectively. Such experiences  slowly help the child develop skills.mastery over this subject as well as develop an  interest in it within three months. He got the  highest score in this subject which boosted  his morale and self-confidence. He passed the  board exams with a decent first-class percentage. I never pressurised him into aiming for a  high percentage and advised him to accept and  feel happy with the marks he procured, wheth er they were high or low. Therefore, the role of  a parent should be that of a sincere friend, who  helps their children combat challenges. Anoth er very essential thing is to teach simple and  easy meditation of 10–15 minutes whenever  they feel free. With higher awareness, all chal lenges pale into insignificance.” 

Pulkit avers, “Whenever the child is feeling  helpless in a situation, the parent needs to talk  to them at length and guide them about how to  deal with the situation effectively. Such experiences slowly help the child develop skills.” 

We need to show and tell children that failure  is only a step towards success in the journey of  life while quoting their own successes in vari ous areas. 

Share responsibilities 

Sharing responsibilities is the best way to  make people feel more confident about han dling life—physically, mentally, and spiritual ly. When parents ask children to do this, they  will try to please their parents by winning over  every situation. When they start doing well,  their self-confidence increases. Then they  themselves will take up responsibilities and try  to succeed. 

Do not praise excessively 

Praise must be earned and not given too much.  As parents, keeping praise within limits is  the best thing to do; otherwise, children may  feel life is a cakewalk. My late mother-in-law,  Manjula, though exceedingly kind, would never praise anyone unnecessarily, which is why  “Even amma likes it” became an indication  that someone in our family had performed well. 

Recognise the positive side of problems I remember the time my son, a keen footballer  in his school days, fell and broke his ankle. He  became extremely depressed. I told him to get  some rest by going and attending the match 

es as a viewer and not as a participant. As it  turned out, this period made him much better  at understanding the techniques for excelling  at football. So, yes, there are plus points in  every situation, and we need to let our children  know this. 

Take critical action 

We need to help our children take action after  identifying their strengths. Each child is differ ent, and it is the parents who can guide them  after understanding them well. I remember the  time my son did very badly in science. I looked  for a tuition teacher and briefed him about the  situation. My son then became very good after a  

while and even started helping others. Pulkit also agrees with this and says, “While  guidance is important, parents mustn’t encour age too much dependence and spoon-feeding,  because this will hamper the growth of the  child.” 

Develop consciousness 

Suzy Singh, a mental health therapist, an in ternationally known author, and a grief expert  and karma scholar, shares her experience in  this area: “I have relied heavily on value-based  parenting to build resilience and understand ing of life’s principles in my children so that  they have an enduring anchor to turn to when ever their tree of life is shaken by gusty winds  

Simple steps to help children handle challenges 

and storms. It was clear to me early enough that  these precious lessons would definitely outlive  me and serve them well. It was thus important  that the first tool I used was ‘example setting’  because most learning in humans occurs pri 

marily through imitation. Performing my daily  prayers, meditating, dealing with my emotional  triggers responsibly, offering support while re specting their choices, knitting the family to gether, and serving others were influences they  were exposed to throughout their childhood. 

“I also developed some life mantras that be came our family’s philosophical GPS. Here are  some of them: 

•  Play to win and lose to learn.  

•  Reflect deeply and choose wisely as every  action has a consequence.  

•  Deal with your upsets privately to arrive at  peace before discussing them with others.  •  Never go to bed angry. 

“One principle that I repeatedly emphasised as  their SOS measure was for them to do nothing  when confused but to wait patiently until clar ity dawned. If for some reason they were hard pressed into making a decision, I urged them to  choose the harder option because it would most  likely be the beneficent one in the long run. 

•  Teach children that a challenge is meant only to teach lessons and they should learn to handle it.

•  Encourage positive actions. 

•  Don’t rebuke or mollycoddle; only understand. 

•  Make them know you are there to guide them. 

•  Let them know there is always a solution to all problems. 

•  Tell them tough times never last and we need to only be patient and work on the situation as it  presents itself. 

“Authoring my book 7 Karma Codes as a prescriptive guidance tool for answering life’s  complex questions was another way of guiding  them. It was written with the intent that long  after I had departed from my earthly journey,  they could still turn to this book whenever they  were confused and needed guidance. 

“As they grew into adults, I emphasised the im portance of developing emotional and social in telligence, and taught them to process their de structive emotions, be mindful of their mental  self-talk, cultivate compassion for others, and  regulate their likes and dislikes. Both my chil dren have been exposed to the positive impact  of belief change work, faith in a greater power,  and loving others through acts of service. 

“I think the idea that I needed to be my chil dren’s conscience keeper allowed me to parent  them in this manner. Even though I believe I  have sown some useful seeds in their conscious ness, which will sprout as and when required to  activate specific virtues in their lives, I continue  to play my part in cultivating good mental and  emotional habits so that they can reduce their  karmic burdens in this lifetime and enhance  their human potentialities. However, given that  they are both adults now, I’m careful to offer  my advice only when asked for so that I do not  intrude upon their agency and personal power.” 

Even Sister Shivani, the spiritual guru, has said  in her talks that we need to only impart good  sanskar (upbringing) and never compare one  with another. 

Learn lessons as a parent 

We can see that parenting, when done with the  right intent and principles, is the greatest les son for all parents too as all of us do become  better people by guiding our children. Let us  then walk on the right path by raising our chil dren as resilient and responsible citizens of the  world. 

TEACHING STORY 

Farmer and the Horse 

One morning, the old farmer’s horse ran away.  The neighbours came and said, “Extremely un fortunate. So sad!” 

The farmer replied: “We’ll see.” 

The next day, the horse returned with many  horses. The neighbours came over, overly excit ed for him. “Such a wonderful situation!”  The farmer replied, “We’ll see.” 

The next morning, his son mounted a horse to  teach it to take him as a rider. He fell and broke  his leg. The neighbours showed consolation:  “Such bad luck!” 

The farmer replied, “We’ll see.”  

One day later, the army drafted soldiers. They  skipped the farmer’s son. The neighbours were  delighted: “What a blessing!” 

The farmer replied: “We’ll see.” 

This story shows us that life keeps changing  and we need to handle each situation as it presents iself. 

Jamuna Rangachari is a former assistant editor of Life Positive, has authored  two books for children, and compiled and interpreted Teaching Stories-I and II for Life Positive.