Are your relationships healthy and happy
September 2010
By Chitra Jha
Get to know where you stand vis-a-vis others and follow the action plan for change
 |
Part A: The desire to possess, to control and to feel superior to others
The following quiz will help you discover how predisposed your habits and attitudes already are, towards initiating, growing, empowering and deeply fulfilling relationships. The quiz will also help you draw a customised step-by-step action plan to bring about the desired changes, which could provide you with a lifetime of happy relationships. Kindly note that there are ten columns marked 1 to 10 sandwiched between the columns of ‘The Favourables’ and ‘The Unfavourables,’ which respectively classify desirable and undesirable behaviours. In the first part of this quiz, we are checking ourselves on the tendency to possess, control, and feel superior to others, which are obviously traits unfavourable to developing great nourishing relationships.
A. This is what you have to do:
• Read the first statement in the ‘Unfavourables’ Column, and then its ‘desirable’ version under the ‘Favourables’ Column.
• Depending on the extent to which this statement is true for you, rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10. If you never do what is written in the statement, mark yourself 1 under the sub-column marked 1 and if you always do it (100 per cent time), give yourself 10 under the sub-column 0. Give yourself marks accordingly in between. For example, if you do it 50 per cent time, mark a 5 under the sub-column 5.
• Repeat step 1 and 2 above for each of the 10 statements.
B. For Interpretation, total up your marks and divide by 10. A score of
• 1 to 2 is poor
• 3 to 4 is below average
• 5 to 6 is average
• 7 to 8 is above average
• 9 to 10 is excellent
C. For drawing up an action plan
• Identify areas where you have scored low (i.e. below 5). These are the habits which you need to improve. Now considering your relative scorings and importance, give each of these favourable habits priority numbers from 1 to 10 (The habit where you have scored a 1 and which, according to you, is more important than the other habits for which you have also scored 1, should become your top priority).
• Use your will power to work on developing the top priority habit by doing it every day for consecutive 30 days against all inner resistance. If you miss a day, start all over again.
• Pick up the next habit in the priority and develop it as suggested in step 5.
| Sr. No. | Unfavourables | Evaluation on ten points scale | Favourables | |||||||||
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | |||
| 1 | It is our duty as parents to discipline children, by passing on the good teachings and sermons we received from our parents, and ensure that they obey them unconditionally. | As a parent, I respect the individuality and freedom of my children. I advise and then step back. I do not push it down their throats against their will. I ask questions to raise their awareness, and let them learn on their own at their own pace. I have the same attitude not only towards my children, but also towards all my relationships. |
||||||||||
| 2 | I feel jealous of those who are more fortunate in terms of what they possess, what they are, or what they can do. I find it difficult to tolerate those who, once upon a time, were far behind me but have gone ahead of me. |
I believe we are on our own journey designed perfectly by the Creator. There is a good reason behind all that ever happens. It is foolish to compare our journey with those of others, for each one is perfect for the one for whom it is meant. I compare myself with myself and no one else. |
||||||||||
| 3 | I would not like people to consider me less than I am. I am intoxicated with a desire to win every time, and prove myself thereby. I do not give up easily on winning in arguments or whatever. Moreover, I also know that I cannot win without defeating others, or proving others inferior. | I do not try to prove myself better than others, by proving others stupid, or by trying to win every argument. In every transaction, I want to win with others, not at their cost. Often, it is wiser to lose an avoidable argument than the relationship itself. | ||||||||||
| 4 | I have a habit of challenging people. I do not take things at face value. However, people complain that when I do so, I appear to be arrogant. | I ensure that I do not challenge the other person at any point of time with my words or tone. I put forward my opinions, logic and viewpoint but without challenging, contradicting or belittling the other person. I sit close and hold the other person’s hand when I need to offer emotional support or when I cannot agree with the other person. | ||||||||||
| 5 | I never knew it until I began to observe that I say more ‘No’s than ‘Yes’s to those I am in close proximity with at work or at home. Moreover, I usually do not think it necessary to express my reasons or my compulsion to do so despite the wish to say ‘Yes’ otherwise. | I know my relationship gives me the freedom to say ‘No’. However, I am aware that the number of times I say ‘No’ to the other person may often be an index of the size of my ego. I carry a ‘Yes’ attitude towards the other person even though I may sometimes politely say ‘No’ without actually uttering the word. When I cannot say ‘Yes,’ I do express my honest reasons, and the fact that I am doing so, despite my wish and willingness to say ‘Yes’. This is required for developing trust. | ||||||||||
| 6 | I have difficulty holding back my anger especially when the other person, who is junior to me, or dependent on me in some way dares to show his/her anger. | I follow a rule that I do not respond to anger with anger. At any one point of time, one person with anger is enough. | ||||||||||
| 7 | I am very possessive in my relationships. I cannot share my person with anyone else. I am not prepared to be less than the most important person in the other person’s life at any given moment of life. I invest fully in relationships and have no life of my own outside them. | I have a life of my own outside my relationships. I am in this relationship, not because I am so fully dependent on it that I cannot live without it but despite the contrary. | ||||||||||
| 8 | I have difficulty digesting the change in others’ attitude towards me. | I know that the other person’s needs change with time. And with their needs, their needs from their relationships, also undergo a change. We need to anticipate, understand, and mentally prepare ourselves to change accordingly. | ||||||||||
| 9 | I expect people to behave – especially towards me – in ways that are ideally expected of them, regardless of the situation. | Real-life relationships are unique and our expectations from them should not be based on an ideal stereotype that we have downloaded from romantic movies and novels. | ||||||||||
| 10 | One of the ways we can ensure that the person sticks to us is to keep him/her dependent on us. This also gives us the feeling of being someone who is important to them. | It is tempting to feel good about the other person depending on us. It gives us a sense of importance. While supporting the person, my intention is always to make him progressively more and more independent. I want to help my person to grow as a person, and not remain dependent on me forever. | ||||||||||
(This quiz is meant strictly for the personal use of readers only. No part of this quiz, or the ones published before by the same author in this magazine are permitted to be reproduced in any form or to be used by anyone, in part or full, for any commercial purposes without the written permission of the author).
Anil Bhatnagar, an IITian, apart from being a corporate trainer on behavioural skills to over 50 leading companies of the nation, is a motivational speaker, a personal growth coach, a reiki teacher, a painter, a columnist with The Times of India, and an ISTD award-winning author of five internationally acclaimed books. He also writes prolifically for some of the top Indian and International journals. www.anilbhatnagar.com