Becoming me

January 2014

A deep meditation experience recently made me doubly aware of the grace and greatness of the guru, and the nature of her work. In this experience, I was covered with mud, and as I watched other pigs wallowing in the slush, I assumed I too was a pig. I wondered why I was not enjoying myself the way they were. Why was my body paining? Why did my heart ache? Was there something wrong with me? Was I abnormal? And then she came, my guru, and without hesitation put her beautiful hands deep into the mud, and pulled me out. The mud had soiled her manicured hands, but that did not matter to her. Some of it had fallen on her pristine white dress, too, but her serene countenance betrayed no annoyance. And then the process of cleaning up started.

She put me under the tap, careful not to hurt me, but I was so full of muck that a vigorous cleansing process was required. The force of water hurt me. I felt as if I would be washed away by the strong tsunami-like waves. I cried in pain, in despair, wanting to give up. But she was still holding me.

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Wanting to give up, I looked at her for the last time, and she smiled. She told me to try and flap my wings! What? Wings? Did they exist?   She gently prodded me,  assuring me that she was with me. Very hesitantly, with fear and doubt, I tried. But the wings felt so heavy, I could not lift them up. I looked at her disappointed, but there was hope in her eyes. Her encouragement made me try again. After two or three attempts, I could feel something moving. And finally, I heard the gentle flap of my own wings. I flapped them again and again, with increasing joy! It was so fascinating! I had just been made aware of something which I didn’t know I had. Something so wondrous, but so natural. And then she prodded me to fly. She said I should fly a little distance and come back to her. And I tried it. I flew for the first time. It felt so natural. “This is Me,” I realised, looking at my iridescent wings, and feeling the lightness of being. I was no pig. I had always been a butterfly, but I had forgotten my true identity. Elated and delighted to discover my true nature, I flew to different and faraway places. And every time I came back, she was there, waiting for me. To hear my stories, to guide me,  encourage, and assist me. And the realisation came that I could never lose her because she was my sky. She was my horizon, my destiny, my destination. She was my Guru,

She was Me.

Shubda Vaid,
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