Bipolar disorder - the inner story part 1
In the first of a series of much-needed and informative articles on bipolar disorder, Marita Nazareth gives us a view of the other side of the story—that of the one who is afflicted by it
Have you ever tried driving a car without fuel? That’s exactly how I feel when I am afflicted by ‘the disorder.’ I have this amazing gift called Life, but when I want to engage, I can’t figure out where to get the fuel from or when the petrol runs out. And at other times, it’s as if I have so much petrol and not enough places to go!
Any disease that is mental or emotional is as much a disease as that which involves pain, such as cancer, diabetes, hernia, piles, etc. Only, it’s a lot worse as it is not visible and the levels of awareness are low. Also it does not normally elicit much compassion in the same way that
physical illness does. By the way, physical pain is part of the package, but it is rarely talked about as the
mental pain is much worse. I have some pain all the time—cramps
and other weird symptoms that
disappear along with the depression.
Also, I invariably get dental issues or a
frozen shoulder.
In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Lady Gaga
shared her experiences with fibromyalgia, which
accompanies her mental health issues. Voices
regarding mental health are louder these days,
and that fills me with hope.
The prognosis
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (BD) sev eral years ago. Bipolar disorder is a serious men tal illness in which common emotions become in tense and, often, unpredictably magnified. I have
had chronic insomnia, high levels of anxiety, and panic attacks, right since my school days. I would do well at maths and literature, but anything that required memory was very difficult due to the high levels of anxiety that accompanied my exams.
I do hear people express how sorry they feel for my caregiver, but such compassionate remarks rarely come my way. On the contrary, I have heard people calling me a toxic, negative, and I-centric person (during the depressive phase). However, I am grate
ful for the few people who did not judge or give ad vice but just kept walking with me, with their en couraging words and prayers, as I took small steps towards my healing. What I find hard to swallow is that some relatives stopped even informing me about life events and were also positively rude, for instance, when I called to explain that I had not been well and so could not attend a funeral. I wish I could have said that I had cancer or some such physical ailment, which would not only have drawn understanding but possibly won me some of their love. This does not indicate their lack of compas sion; it only shows how little is known about the inner world of someone suffering from a mental disorder.
The lack of understanding and empathy Guilt is a very common emotion that accompanies depression. If you aren’t doing it to yourself, you are reminded by others that so many people are worse off than you and yet are bravely going ahead. I wasn’t too surprised that when my husband had a painful slipped disc, nobody reminded him of the gruelling struggle that marathoners go through and how they endure it till the finish line, or that if he only saw the intense pain of another and reached out, he would not feel so bad! That would have been ridiculous! On the bright side, thanks to all the ‘tools’ that a
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Higher Power led me to, I have been able to live a fairly productive life. I share these tools in my training programmes on emotional intelligence, self-esteem, and stress management, and other workshops. I believe that every pain that you experience is a sign from the Higher Intelligence to question your lifestyle and cherished disempowering beliefs and values, and then attempt to change whatever is possible.
I have stayed away from allopathic medication (except for two years when I was forced to see a psychiatrist). The allopathic medicines made me constipated and compounded my problems, so fortunately, I was allowed to taper them off when I got better. My Gratitude Journal entry: “So grateful that I am not on medication which doesn’t agree with me.” I have been off medication for almost twenty years.
I feel reassured when I come across some doctors on YouTube sharing their experiences. They speak about the disastrous effects of drugs in the long term and how they handled their patients with complete success—without medication.
I am also blessed to have discovered Bach Flower remedies, which have got me out of three bad episodes of depression. I find them effective and gentle. The best part is that they have no side effects and can be stopped at will.
I am not against any particular form of medication; I am merely sharing what works for me since I prefer to use ‘props’ which can be discarded when wellness sets in.
Understanding what bipolar disorder feels like Bipolar disorder is a confusing condition, espe cially for someone viewing it from the outside. So let me share my experience. But also keep in mind that it is only one person’s experience; other people with the same disorder (which has many variations and intensities) may have vastly different experiences.I experience three phases: hypomania, depression, and a normal phase. (The last one is a luxury I don’t take for granted!)
• Phase 1: Bipolar Hypomania
During an emotional high, I am full of energy. It’s like the pendulum has swung from ‘no energy’ to too much of it. It occurs sometimes after a depressive phase, for instance, when the house has been left in disarray and not as clean as I would like it to be. (I am unable to even give instructions or enter the kitchen without feeling worse when I am low). I frantically start getting things done: decluttering, cleaning, tidying, arranging clothes, buying things to brighten up the home, and sorting out issues regarding our future.
I am over-optimistic. During this phase, I am able to achieve what some others may not even attempt. I began an environmental NGO called CBC in 1993, initiated basic communities in neighbourhoods in the eighties, and Line Dancing classes in Bandra in 2012; the list goes on. When I look back, I can’t even believe that I would attempt to take on such challenging tasks!
On the other hand, I am grateful that I haven’t taken on very big challenges that could have
affected my family adversely. Some people who suffer from BD (I will be calling such folks polar explorers henceforth) spend a lot of their family’s resources compulsively buying unnecessary stuff, taking on justice issues beyond their capacity, or starting new initiatives that cannot be sustained. I know someone who planned a big holiday very enthusiastically but had to cancel it as he had run out of steam. A friend of mine suffering from the disease splurges at the supermarket, even though she knows that neither her kids nor she would ever use the purchases. Her explanation: “I can’t stop myself.”
In this phase, I have tons of energy. I am creative and fulfilled, and receive the most positive feedback from the attendees of my workshops. My self-worth temporarily skyrockets.
The problem with this phase is that I try to sort out all the issues that are pending, before time runs out, and that leads to levels of depletion and feelings of being overwhelmed that account for the collapse. The energy burns out; I’ve just a little of it left.
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• Phase 2: Bipolar depression
I have a fairly mild depression sometimes, and this is dangerous because I don’t even know that it has set in and that it’s a call for remedial action. When it gets worse, I lose motivation. I want to be left alone. It’s not as if I want to be by myself; I want everyone else to disappear. I don’t want to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything. No matter what I do, people are telling me that I’m doing something wrong. So the easiest way to feel better is to ‘vanish.’ I actually come out at breakfast and ask my husband to leave me alone even though he is the gentlest person I know.
I am also very irritable and intolerant. In this phase, I become acutely aware that I don’t have the adequate support structure to stay out of depression and feel resentful that there are so few people to help me rehabilitate myself in my professional and personal life. This really hurts me.
This is the hardest time because I need people, but everything I do drives them away. A relative wouldn’t reply to my calls but would take my husband’s. I wanted to sort this out, so I spoke to his wife who had a ready explanation: “Are you surprised? Are you the kind of person he would want to stay in touch with?” I hear comments like “Who would like to be around you when you are so toxic,” or “Why would anyone want to help you when you are so ungrateful.” And I don’t completely disagree. But I genuinely cannot help myself.
Unfortunately, the worst part of this phase is that (a) my behaviour is compulsive (choice does not seem to exist), (b) I have little initiative, and (c) I don’t have a supportive structure in place (as yet).
I need to do things that bring me joy, but unless somebody takes the initiative and calls me, I am unlikely to feel motivated to do the same. I find it hard to bathe, do my exercises, come out to meet guests, go for a daily walk, speak to my loved ones, or tidy up.
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Seeing all ‘these people’ carrying on, living their happy lives, is an annoying reminder of the bipolar disorder that plagues me. I love to travel, and the thought that it may never happen discourages me. I don’t need to go to Facebook to see people having fun; I can see it all around me! I find it harder still when I happen to share my feelings and those who listen tell me “how dangerous it is to compare.” I once shared that I was feeling envious of a relative and, immediately, I was criticised for “not being proud of her achievements.”
No matter what it is—working, hanging out with friends, exercising, dancing, listening to music—I don’t enjoy things, because the smallest tasks seem unsurmountable. If friends invite me out or I invite someone over, I imagine everything going haywire.
Worse than the depression is the high level of anxiety, which is crippling. A good friend of mine would offer to drop in, and then the anxiety would kick in. I would go overboard trying to get my house perfectly clean and tidy, and get so anxious that, eventually, my caregiver believed that this friend was not good for me and discouraged me from meeting her. Everything is scary, leaving me dreading the very idea of doing anything. When I think about the future, I feel terrified and can only wish that this misery will end soon.
I often joke about death and people wonder why I do that. Let’s be honest—it definitely seems a more attractive option than this constant tightrope walking and walking-on-shells-feeling. I have even had a close relative say “If you are like this now, I can’t imagine what you will be like when you get older.” I can’t either. The future doesn’t look exciting when I am low.
The worst pain of all is that my professional life goes for a toss. I invariably tear up my class notes and can’t do follow-ups. The encouraging feedback that I receive after a workshop is literally of no use as, by then, the ‘happy clients’ have engaged another facilitator. I recall working with an NGO
that helps cancer patients. One fine day, they just decided not to have me back. I was appreciated by both the patients as well as their caregivers who attended my sessions, but I was too weak to seek a dialogue because, by then, I was in depression. I also felt really disappointed when I was no longer able to conduct my Line Dancing classes. After spending hours mastering simple dances and starting groups at five centres, I was left with no classes. By the time I was normal, others had taken over everything that I had built from scratch.
• Phase 3: The ‘Normal Phase’
The good news! I have a normal phase too. The time that I am in this phase has increased due to my personal research on mental wellness and the various activities that I include in my everyday schedule.
In normal times, I wake up in the morning feeling fine. I don’t dread going about my day. I get things done and have plenty of energy throughout the day. The days when everything was blown out of proportion disappear, and all tasks (even washing dishes) are pure delight. I search for recipes and innovate to make tasty, nutritious food. The breeze against my face as I wash up or cook fills me with gratitude, and I can say “Praise the Lord” with ease. I am now in a state of grace.
Life flows. I can roll with the punches that the average day hands out. The future is enticing. Balance is restored. I begin my hobbies: teaching dancing, doing fun workshops, photography, etc. I begin to think in terms of a holiday. I am invited to events, and I want to attend them all. The sunshine is back!
Just to explain it further:
• In Transactional Analysis terms, my relationship with other people is as follows: in depression, it’s ‘I am not okay, you are okay’; in mania, it’s ‘I am okay, you are not okay’; and when I am well, it’s ‘I am okay, you are okay.’
• When I am well, I know I am blessed. Prayer is just thanksgiving for all that is. I feel the Divine within and trust It to be in charge of my life. In depression, I have serious doubts that God exists; I feel disconnected and hope vanishes. In the manic phase, I am like the folks in the Renewal Movement in the Catholic Church: I sing the Lord’s praises!
• When I am depressed, I can’t forgive anyone or anything; the hurts run deep. When I am high, I might even buy a gift for the offender. And when I am normal, I feel neutral and don’t even think there is anything to forgive in the first place. When I am back to being me, I am grateful that I have a choice; I can reframe anything and stay in a state of feeling good.
I honestly wish I could stay in a balanced state all the time. It is a time of pure grace, and I am grateful for this and also for the ups and downs that have helped me grow.
In a forthcoming issue, I will explain what I do to move towards a more balanced state at all times.
Marita Nazareth is a wellness coach, corporate trainer, motivational speaker, writ er, environmental activist and line dance teacher and vlogger. She can be contacted on 9757289004.