December 2023
Handling difficult conversations
Only conflict resolution will help us build vital and joyous relationships, says Suma Varughese
It is never easy to hold difficult conversations. But if you value relationships and want to build on them, you will have to learn to negotiate conflicts. When two people become friends or partners, two different backgrounds, cultures, religions, environments, life experiences, and genders interact and often clash.
One must, therefore, have the courage to confront and address the issue. However, this is a task that requires sensitivity, honesty, openness, a willingness to be vulnerable, and a capacity to admit one’s mistakes and apologise when needed. It also requires self awareness. Are you willing to look within and see if what the other says about you has any basis? The moment you turn defensive and simply shoot down all points of dispute, you have closed up the space and jeopardised the relationship.
Above all, the motivation has to be crystal clear. The intervention is for no other reason but that the relationship matters to us and we are willing to do what it takes to sort out the issues that have it in knots. It is not to prove the other wrong. It is not to vent. It is not to be self-righteous. Unless this is clear to both parties, the confrontation can often escalate into a full-fledged battle.
So, here are some of the strategies that help me. When the matter is emotionally volatile (let us say I am angry), I usually prefer sending a WhatsApp message, instead of making a phone call or meeting personally. Sometimes, what the other says may trigger us, especially if we are still raw, and we may find ourselves saying what we may regret. A text message, on the other hand, can be weeded free of reactivity. Furthermore, the recipient too gets the chance to feel what they feel and go past it to draft a non reactive response. This heals many small issues and builds elasticity into the friendship. The bigger issues may need either a phone call or a face-to face meeting. To succeed at this, ensure that you are considerably free from emotional charge and can express yourself neutrally. One method I use is to stay with what I feel and not stray into what I think. For instance, I may say, “When you said that I had too many clothes, I felt judged.” This is far better than saying, “It was rude of you to say such a thing.”
It is also a good thing to ask for what you want them to do the next time around. “Perhaps, next time, you could simply be curious about why I buy so many clothes.” Listen carefully and repeat to the other what you think they said. Often, we do not understand them properly, and the conversation gets off on the wrong foot. Give the other the space to express themself fully instead of butting in. You can then ask them to give you the same courtesy when you start responding. Apologise when in the wrong. This is like oxygen to a dying relationship. Most of us stubbornly hold on to our egos and fear that an apology may put us in the wrong. Be willing to forgive the other when they apologise. Do not hang on to your sense of injury a minute more than you need it. Bury the dispute and bring closure to the issue.
You will know that the conflict is well and truly resolved when you feel a great release and a joyous energy filling you both. Suddenly, you feel even closer than before, and the friendship has moved up a notch.
Suma Varughese is a teacher of words and wisdom. She broadcasts spiritual truths and a love for writing in her various capacities as columnist, writer, writing coach, and the founder-facilitator of the popular Zen of Good Writing Course. She is the former editor of Life Positive and Society magazines. She has authored Travelling Light, Travelling Lighter, and 50 Life Lessons. She can be contacted at sumavarughese@gmail.com
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