Deeper and deeper
October 2016
By Suma Varughese
Going deeper and deeper into her thoughts, feelings and physical sensations is bringing Suma Varughese to a state of greater equanamity
Even though I was pretty much in a state of freedom during my awakening more than 20 years ago, my return journey, which is taking its own time, is unfolding in ways that are totally unexpected. Of late, I appear to have made a shift in my stance, which was brought about one sleepless night. The night before, I had gone to sleep quite easily by murmuring to myself that I was going deeper and deeper, deeper and deeper. My mind eventually tranquillised and let me sleep. Elated, I tried it out the next day, but nothing happened. I found myself desperately trying to sleep, and in full resistance to the wakefulness that held me in its grip. Goaded, I began to murmur, I am going deeper and deeper into the wakefulness, deeper and deeper into my resistance, deeper and deeper into my thoughts….. Soon, I drifted into slumber.
How wonderful. What I normally resisted, I was now embracing, and moving into. Here was a new tool afforded to me, I realised. To move full tilt into all that I have been resisting all my life, is now my practice. While any form of resistance locked me into the chest area, going deeper into these resistances is allowing me to go deeper into the navel and way below it. On such occasions, I can feel the whole chakra passage opening up and the breath freely passing from end to end.
Of course, I do not always get to that state, but the fact that I am willing to embrace the mind stuff instead of being locked into resistance, is helping me move into a greater state of relaxation. It is almost a full time practice now, moving deeper into my fears, into memories that cause me sadness and regret, into the unending loops of thoughts and feelings. When I find myself reacting to what someone is saying, I remind myself to go deeper into it. And I find the resentment abating.
More important, when doing something – like brushing my teeth or bathing – I remind myself to go deeper into it, and the layers of thought that have always come between me and any action, lighten a little and enable me to be more in the moment.
Daily, I move deeper into my fears, memories that cause me sadness, into the unending loops of thoughts and feelings
Going deeper and deeper also enables me to slow down my pace and become more conscious. This morning, I was late to work because of many factors and found myself becoming more and more hurried, rushing into the bathroom for a bath, taking the lid off brusquely over a vegetable that simply refused to cook, and so on. When I reminded myself to go deeper into the hurry, I found myself much more restful. Today, before sitting before a plate of food, I remind myself to go deeper and deeper and I find myself savouring it much more intensely, and becoming more conscious of all the ingredients in the dish. Even writing out a cheque under the influence of going deeper is bringing more legibility to my usually scrawly handwriting.
I am also learning to go deeper and deeper into my physical sensations, whether a cramp, bloated stomach or a cold. Quite recently, I came down with a sore throat and when I went deeper and deeper into it, I was able to cough up the phlegm and return to normalcy.
This little mantra is enabling me to move into equanamity with greater speed than before and stay there for a longer time than my marauding thoughts would earlier permit.
I am sure there are many more whorls of the spiral that I will have to ascend and I look forward with fascinated interest towards the rest of the journey.
About the author : Suma Varughese is a thinker, writer, and Editor-in-Chief of Life Positive. She also holds writer’s workshops. Write to her at suma@lifepositive.net