Finding faith
Ajay Kalra’s tumultuous ride on the roller coaster of spirituality was essential to his finding faith, not as a means to an end but as an end in itself
“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security,” says John Allen Paulos, an American professor of mathematics. Remarkable for him to say that, since mathematics is all about certainty. Two plus two is always four. However, in the mathematics of life, anything is possible. We do not know what will happen next, particularly if we want to live an honest life. Honesty always has an element of risk in it. Being true to ourself or authentic to others requires being vulnerable. We do not know what will be the outcome of an action that is beyond our circle of comfort. We encounter fear. And yet, if we do not step into the unknown, we risk living a mediocre life with no challenge and growth. So what do we do?
Find faith.
The journey
My journey with faith has been a rollercoaster ride. Like most children, I was made to believe that there is an almighty entity called God. Actually, no one sat me down and spoke about God; it was something I assumed based on what I heard. Being sent to a convent boarding school, there was always the element of religion in the air. We read comics and watched movies on Jesus Christ. We used to pray before our meals and going to bed. Most of our prayers were about thanking God for all that he had provided us. Each of us tried to outdo each other by making more eloquent prayers in the hope of impressing the nuns taking care of us. I imagined God as an old man with a white beard in the sky who was the father of Jesus Christ. My Hindu grandparents would look at me disapprovingly during my holidays when I told them that amongst all religions, I felt closest to Christianity.
Art of Living
Around the time I attended college, I heard about popular places of worship. Mata of Vaishno Devi; Sai Baba of Shirdi. I heard that if one prayed at these places, people’s wishes were fulfilled. Initially, I tried having faith in Shirdi Sai Baba in the hope of getting my wishes fulfilled. But it was never a serious attempt, and the feeling never lasted. My first love affair with faith was through the Art of Living. My first step into spirituality was attending their Happiness Program. That was almost two decades back, and it was called the Basic Course then. To cut a long story short, like millions of others, I became a devotee of a living guru. It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life! I felt loved, protected, and guided by a person whom I had hardly met. He became the father, mother, and God I always wanted, all rolled into one. For the first time in my life, I experienced the bliss of silence, the ecstasy of devotion, and the fulfilment of selfless service.
Moving on
Alas, the love affair did not last! The reason is mysterious. Perhaps it was my karma or destiny. On a practical level, I feel the gap between my ideal self and my actual self was too large. And in the tussle between the two selves, my actual self, made up of insecurities, prevailed. I lost faith and moved on. I did not lose interest in spirituality. I explored other paths; I became a seeker, experiencing Vedanta, Krishnamurti, Osho, Vipassana, Ramana, and many other schools of spirituality. I became what some may call a spiritual window-shopper. I derived a false sense of pride of having ‘been there done that’ as though I was creating a spiritual biodata to show off to others. My faith during this period was in attaining nirvana. While I was not committed to any single path, I was intensely committed to the possibility of enlightenment—the ultimate freedom.
Dejection and rebellion
Then it happened. The most significant turning point of my life. I felt violated and betrayed by people closest to me. I was devastated! I lost faith in everything that professed goodness and higher values. In fact, I held spirituality to be the culprit for my pain. I felt that because of my spiritual values, I was an easy target. All the anger I had suppressed so far in the name of being spiritual emerged like an emotional storm and blew my lofty ideals away. I was no longer interested in anything spiritual. Or for that matter, anyone preaching any kind of wisdom. This was the rebellious phase of my life. I was angry with God, gurus, spirituality, and society. I did not want to have anything to do with them; I felt they were fake and false. I saw all forms of authority as repressive of freedom to think, feel, and express. During this period, I read books by the Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti, perhaps to validate my anti-authority stand.
This was also the time I began to get in touch with my feelings, particularly anger—something I had curbed during my spiritual phase. I felt feelings would guide me towards what was true, since spirituality had failed miserably. Lacking in wisdom, I could not differentiate between feelings and impulses. I discovered my shadow side, my negative impulses. This was an emotionally volatile period with intense highs and lows. A time of sense gratification and isolation. This phase eventually led me to a point where I felt I had failed to live a meaningful life. I was responsible for my failure. Ironically, even though I did not believe in God, I was angry at him for giving me a raw deal. Miraculously, when I felt I had no hope left, I stepped into the gates of The Yoga Institute.
Faith finally
I now have faith in God. This time it is different. It is not based on the fulfilment of wishes. It is a faith born from realising the value of faith. Faith is like mental oxygen, without which the mind is anguished. The only antidote to fear is faith. I also see why it was important for me to experience what I did. Without this journey, my experience of life would be shallow. I would not realise the value of relating to this invisible being called God. My God is visible now. He has a name. He has a form. I talk to him every day. I feel connected to him when I chant his name. I have realised that faith does not just happen one day. Like every relationship, one has to work at it every day. Like watering a seed until it becomes a banyan tree with deep roots that no emotional storm can uproot anymore. I no longer feel the need to be spiritual. Or seek enlightenment. I am comfortable being imperfect. Being human. At the same time, I realise I cannot indulge my emotions in the name of being human. I have learnt to manage emotions intelligently and express them responsibly in relationships. Faith is no longer a means to an end. It is an end in itself.
My journey in finding faith may not be your journey, but I believe we all are on the journey of finding faith. The journey we take to find faith is what creates it. And sometimes, to find something, one has to lose it first.
***
“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security,” says John Allen Paulos, an American professor of mathematics. Remarkable for him to say that, since mathematics is all about certainty. Two plus two is always four. However, in the mathematics of life, anything is possible. We do not know what will happen next, particularly if we want to live an honest life. Honesty always has an element of risk in it. Being true to ourself or authentic to others requires being vulnerable. We do not know what will be the outcome of an action that is beyond our circle of comfort. We encounter fear. And yet, if we do not step into the unknown, we risk living a mediocre life with no challenge and growth. So what do we do?
Find faith.
The journey
My journey with faith has been a rollercoaster ride. Like most children, I was made to believe that there is an almighty entity called God. Actually, no one sat me down and spoke about God; it was something I assumed based on what I heard. Being sent to a convent boarding school, there was always the element of religion in the air. We read comics and watched movies on Jesus Christ. We used to pray before our meals and going to bed. Most of our prayers were about thanking God for all that he had provided us. Each of us tried to outdo each other by making more eloquent prayers in the hope of impressing the nuns taking care of us. I imagined God as an old man with a white beard in the sky who was the father of Jesus Christ. My Hindu grandparents would look at me disapprovingly during my holidays when I told them that amongst all religions, I felt closest to Christianity.
Art of Living
Around the time I attended college, I heard about popular places of worship. Mata of Vaishno Devi; Sai Baba of Shirdi. I heard that if one prayed at these places, people’s wishes were fulfilled. Initially, I tried having faith in Shirdi Sai Baba in the hope of getting my wishes fulfilled. But it was never a serious attempt, and the feeling never lasted. My first love affair with faith was through the Art of Living. My first step into spirituality was attending their Happiness Program. That was almost two decades back, and it was called the Basic Course then. To cut a long story short, like millions of others, I became a devotee of a living guru. It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life! I felt loved, protected, and guided by a person whom I had hardly met. He became the father, mother, and God I always wanted, all rolled into one. For the first time in my life, I experienced the bliss of silence, the ecstasy of devotion, and the fulfilment of selfless service.
Moving on
Alas, the love affair did not last! The reason is mysterious. Perhaps it was my karma or destiny. On a practical level, I feel the gap between my ideal self and my actual self was too large. And in the tussle between the two selves, my actual self, made up of insecurities, prevailed. I lost faith and moved on. I did not lose interest in spirituality. I explored other paths; I became a seeker, experiencing Vedanta, Krishnamurti, Osho, Vipassana, Ramana, and many other schools of spirituality. I became what some may call a spiritual window-shopper. I derived a false sense of pride of having ‘been there done that’ as though I was creating a spiritual biodata to show off to others. My faith during this period was in attaining nirvana. While I was not committed to any single path, I was intensely committed to the possibility of enlightenment—the ultimate freedom.
Dejection and rebellion
Then it happened. The most significant turning point of my life. I felt violated and betrayed by people closest to me. I was devastated! I lost faith in everything that professed goodness and higher values. In fact, I held spirituality to be the culprit for my pain. I felt that because of my spiritual values, I was an easy target. All the anger I had suppressed so far in the name of being spiritual emerged like an emotional storm and blew my lofty ideals away. I was no longer interested in anything spiritual. Or for that matter, anyone preaching any kind of wisdom. This was the rebellious phase of my life. I was angry with God, gurus, spirituality, and society. I did not want to have anything to do with them; I felt they were fake and false. I saw all forms of authority as repressive of freedom to think, feel, and express. During this period, I read books by the Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti, perhaps to validate my anti-authority stand.
This was also the time I began to get in touch with my feelings, particularly anger—something I had curbed during my spiritual phase. I felt feelings would guide me towards what was true, since spirituality had failed miserably. Lacking in wisdom, I could not differentiate between feelings and impulses. I discovered my shadow side, my negative impulses. This was an emotionally volatile period with intense highs and lows. A time of sense gratification and isolation. This phase eventually led me to a point where I felt I had failed to live a meaningful life. I was responsible for my failure. Ironically, even though I did not believe in God, I was angry at him for giving me a raw deal. Miraculously, when I felt I had no hope left, I stepped into the gates of The Yoga Institute.
Faith finally
I now have faith in God. This time it is different. It is not based on the fulfilment of wishes. It is a faith born from realising the value of faith. Faith is like mental oxygen, without which the mind is anguished. The only antidote to fear is faith. I also see why it was important for me to experience what I did. Without this journey, my experience of life would be shallow. I would not realise the value of relating to this invisible being called God. My God is visible now. He has a name. He has a form. I talk to him every day. I feel connected to him when I chant his name. I have realised that faith does not just happen one day. Like every relationship, one has to work at it every day. Like watering a seed until it becomes a banyan tree with deep roots that no emotional storm can uproot anymore. I no longer feel the need to be spiritual. Or seek enlightenment. I am comfortable being imperfect. Being human. At the same time, I realise I cannot indulge my emotions in the name of being human. I have learnt to manage emotions intelligently and express them responsibly in relationships. Faith is no longer a means to an end. It is an end in itself.
My journey in finding faith may not be your journey, but I believe we all are on the journey of finding faith. The journey we take to find faith is what creates it. And sometimes, to find something, one has to lose it first.