Finding my centre
Suma Varughese is discovering that the capacity to love herself unconditionally is the centre she was always in search of
Readers may know by now that I have been doggedly pursuing perfect self-esteem for the last couple of decades. It has been a fruitful journey. It has led me through the whorls and vortexes of my being, always taking me ever closer to the goal, while at the same time unfolding fresh layers that I am meant to go through.
My latest discovery in this journey took place a month ago. I had lost control of my temper quite spectacularly in a public place, and I was filled with embarrassment and guilt. On reflection, though, it became clear to me that had I been more accepting of the triggers that led to the outburst and given myself space to experience them, I would not have lost control of myself.
Thus began my practice to expand and embrace all that showed up in my mind space. Strangely, it was not as difficult as it was earlier. And I realised why, when I found myself affirming, “Because I love myself unconditionally, I welcome every thought and its resistance, every feeling and its resistance, every physical sensation and its resistance.”
But of course! That was what unconditional love meant. How could I love myself unconditionally if I were not to accept all my thoughts, feelings, and sensations? I realised with mounting excitement, that this unconditional self-love, so new to me, was the centre for which I have been searching all my life!
It is the focal point from which I can begin to lead a life that allows me to legitimately accept everything in my space. This could range from chest congestion, back pain, stomach cramps, or any form of dis-ease, to anger, hurt, resentment, regrets, fears, irritation, and so on. It could be a stream of random thoughts and my resistance to them.
As I am learning— to gradually accept all that I am, including my occasional spurts of self-destructive recklessness, or my clumsiness—I am beginning to feel my body relax and unwind. My capacity to accept everything automatically brings a smile to my face, while my breath seems to go to the very depths of my being. The blocks that always stopped me from completing my breath, or for that matter, take any thought or feeling deep within, have disappeared.
And yet, this is not always a constant. Yesterday, I was unable to focus on writing what I dearly wanted to. I went to bed feeling thoroughly frustrated, only to recognise, once I unwound a bit, that all I had to do was give myself permission to feel my despondence and frustration.
When I am able to do this, I find that I eventually transition into a zone where I am breathing deeply, feeling peaceful, energised, and deeply focussed, which again, as a dreamer par excellence, I have never known before. I transition naturally into doing and find myself accomplishing more than I did before.
I am enjoying these states of mind and being. Experience has taught me that nothing ever lasts for too long, or it morphs into something else. But that is no reason why I should not make the most of my newfound ability to love myself unconditionally. And when and if it morphs, I hope something even better comes in its place.
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