They say, “Marriages are made in heaven,” but we need to accomplish the task of finding the right match on
Earth. What makes the process of ‘finding the one’ easy? When the biological clock is ticking, how can one make a pressure-free decision so that no red flags are ignored? How does one listen to and use their intuition while making one of the most important decisions of their life?
Well, there is no one answer to any of these questions. There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to make a wise decision which will impact their whole life; the decision to commit to a person till death does them part. But one rule is permanent: when love overrides everything else, you know you have found the one. For those whom love has not yet found, we give a comprehensive lowdown on how to choose the best fit for yourself when looking for a life partner.
I spoke with experts on this topic, and this is what they had to say.
Anuradha Gupta, the founder of an offline matrimonial platform called ‘Vows for Eternity,’ believes that marriage is a sacred institution that has stood the test of time. It is something that she believes in and endorses. She considers it a beautiful and sacred bond.
According to Suzy Singh, grief coach, mental health coach, clinical hypnotherapist, speaker, and author of 7 Karma Codes: Heal The Storm Within— marriage is a relationship in which there is healthy space for both partners to grow in, where mutual trust and support supersedes the need to control or dominate the other, and where there is joint enrolment into the idea of aligning with the higher good of the marriage when conflicts arise.
Anuradha Gupta
Hitesh Vashishtha, a consciousness coach in alternative healing modalities like inner child healing, trans-generational healing, breath work, past life regression, and author of the renowned book Sundaram Speaks says, “A good marriage comes from the space where a person is acknowledged for who they are, in totality. Mostly, the word ‘good’ is attached to the person when they fall in your description of goodness. Such an alliance may limit your potential. Therefore, a good marriage has room for the partners to come together and yet carry their uniqueness as individuals. Second, marriage is not about finding a similar one for you; it’s about learning to honour the dissimilarities between each other with love and respect.”
When asked if there is a right time to get married, Anuradha Gupta replied, “There is no one size fits all. When someone feels that they are mentally in a space to commit to someone, it indicates a good time to get married. Also, one should get married when one finds the right person. It is more about the state of mind rather than the age.”
On this, Suzy Singh shares that, ideally, when one is ready to commit themselves to another, compromise for the sake of mutual harmony, and individuate and shoulder responsibility, then that’s the right time to get married.
Suzy Singh
Hitesh Vashishtha says, “Well, if I were an astrologer, I would have offered you a timeline for the same. But according to me, when welearn to connect with the Self, accept ourselves as the fragment of ‘that’ divine force, and hold our light and shadows equally and with great respect, then that is the right time to get married. It is also not the right time when we are habituated to acting from our shadows, but it is so when we have learnt the patience to witness it and eventually dissolve it. To marry means to be open and extend that level of acceptance to someone who is not from your biological family. So, the day we have grown to be patient and are able to hold ourselves without any inner resistance is the day when we can ponder over the choice to marry.”
To summarise, success in marriage depends a lot on mental and emotional maturity to accept the partner along with their differences and having the commitment to go the distance with them.
Many people are influenced by their external environment like their parents asking them to get married when they feel that the time is right or the biological clock is ticking. Seeing their friends, relatives, or colleagues getting married can also influence them into considering marriage. But are these the right reasons for getting married?
Regarding this, Anuradha says that introspection is really important in that scenario. “One must examine the reasons or the driving force behind getting married. It is always better to get married for the right reasons and not out of loneliness, and that could mean that one needs to still wait for the right time. The decision must come from a deeper, solid space when one must separate their inner voice (a determined knowing) from the noise. Meditation can help one figure it out.”
Suzy says, “This is only possible for the clear- thinking adult. Most individuals marry because of circumstance or passion. Clarity about what you seek in your partner and their family ecosystem, understanding your own nature and where you might need to refine it, and the alignment of mutual interests and life goals are aspects you must strive to be clear about before deciding to say yes.”
Hitesh says that pressure comes from the space of wanting to prove to yourself and the world that you have made the right choice. This can be too exhausting and will do little good. So, instead of being carried away by this pressure, give your best to finding a partner, but from a space of lightness and deep trust in the intelligence field of the Universe, so that it will bring you the person who is meant for you.
Hitesh with wife Shubhangi
What role do families play in a marriage? Anuradha Gupta believes that families play an important role in a person’s life. She asserts that a child learns by osmosis when they see their parents do something. So, the upbringing and ecosystem greatly influence a person’s values, character, and personality. Her company gives a fair amount of value to this aspect while matchmaking.
Suzy Singh shares that many a marriage is broken because of mismatched expectations between the married couple and their respective families, particularly in India, for as the saying goes, you don’t marry the individual, you marry the family. “It’s best to investigate this thoroughly before tying the knot,” she advises. Hitesh Vashishtha has a very interesting perspective here. He shares that ‘in-love’ is better than ‘in-law,’ and this concept of putting love before everything else changes the total energy behind the purpose of two families coming together. In our Indian culture, where a girl leaves her home and comes to another home, she should feel welcomed and wanted. For example, when a daughter ‘in love’ comes to a new family, the mother ‘in love’ should step back in the energy field and make space for her. She should tell the girl, “My dear girl, you’re welcome, and now my son is yours. I understand that in this journey, you will explore several good things and some not-so-good things. But it’s okay for you to make mistakes and learn from them. Whenever you need guidance from my life experiences, I will give my best. Rest, our blessing for you is to take good care of your life and be happy.”
The same goes with the boy too. When families give the married couple their space to explore and learn from their life experiences and yet hold them without any judgments, they set the foundation for a strong ideal family.
How must one approach a new relationship? Anuradha Gupta says that we must learn and grow through our relationships but not carry the hurt and pain from it into the next one. The new relationship is not so strong that it can take the weight of it.
Suzy Singh shares, “People must explore their own recurring patterns and heal their inner wounded-ness before jumping into marriage again, or else they are likely to meet the same fate.”
Healing with time plays a crucial role because it lays down a strong foundation for the new relationship. Hitesh Vashishtha says, “We
should approach marriage with an open mind which is free of our past influences and experiences. As a therapist, I see that because of their past experiences, many people lose their trust in marriage and, therefore, end up with repeated experiences of mistrust. So, before you begin to look for a new partner, clear your energy cords with your ex-partner. Drop complaints and guilt, and use it as a medium to know yourself better. Since all relationships are mirrors, ask yourself, ‘What is it in me that attracted this bad relationship?’ By asking this, you will be able to look deeper within yourself instead of blaming others. This can truly help you take responsibility and move ahead.”
Marry when you feel internally ready to commit and make space for the other person in your life
How can one choose their partner wisely? When we have a clouded mind or are in haste, we end up making the wrong choices. And this happens in every small or big aspect of life if you observe your life closely in various situations.
Hitesh says that parents are the very first source of influence on us. So, you must notice how your potential partner treats their parents. Are they respectful to them? Are they able to love them and be different from them at the same time? Know that the way they treat their parents is exactly the way they will treat you in the long run.
Also, commitment is a by-product of love. When one stays unshaken with the feeling of love for someone, nothing else needs to be done. Therefore, before you say yes to someone, ask yourself, “Knowing that this person, my potential partner, will change over time, knowing that some habits or traits that I may not like will show up later, will I still love him/ her the way I do now?”
There are many signs that can help one make a wise choice while choosing a partner. Suzy Singh says, “Knowing yourself is the most important thing. You must know the cultural forces that have conditioned and shaped your expectations and worldview about marriage, gender roles, and how you must fit in. Next, you must strive to know these very things about your partner. Finally, you must figure out what the family beliefs are about their roles as in- laws. These can help provide you with some clarity.”
How can one use intuition to make a decision? Intuition can help one navigate through red flags and reach the right person. Hitesh Vashishtha says, “Ask the Universe to give you a sign. When you meet a potential partner, tell the Universe, ‘If he/she is the one, give me three signs in the next three days.’ The signs can come to you by way of dreams, someone saying something, encountering some signboards on the road, or anything that seems to be a divine sign according to you. In between all this, you should also keep your mind clear with regular meditation.”
Suzy Singh thinks that the so-called heart in this case is usually blind and that you should listen to your gut instead. What do your instincts tell you about the prospect? Ignore your prospective partner’s words or promises; instead, watch their actions, particularly around their family and authority figures in everyday settings. Does your prospective partner have a voice, and if so, is it chiselled with compassion and authenticity? You can never know a person in the first few meetings. Watch what happens when conflicts and disagreements arise. Figure out how the prospect behaves when they are angry. Observe how they behave with staff or those they consider lower down in the human chain. This will tell you a lot more about the other than coffee meets or dinner dates.
“We attract what we are.” By constantly becoming a better version of ourselves, the path of attracting a great partner smoothens.
A courtship period allows two people to know each other better before getting married. It is an important step to cross before the final commitment.
Hitesh says that there’s no rule of thumb. Our elders didn’t have the privilege of long courtships, but there are some successful marriages that we see from their times. Modern times have courtship periods which also have their own benefits. But we should spend some quality (not quantity) time in really knowing the person. Ask yourself, “What am I attracted to in this person; is it physical, mental, or emotional attraction?” “Will I still love to be with this person if sexual attraction is not the priority?” “Do I feel emotional intimacy in the relationship?”
Suzy feels that the minimum courtship period is six months, but one must make sure these are just not dates but also include family interactions. An outstation trip with the prospect and their family can be the most telling of all and usually reveals a lot more than just dating the prospect.
“Astrology is a science and should be treated as such. We are born under a natal alignment that talks about our strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. In no way does it decide the future. More than focussing on our astrological complications, we should focus on assuring ourselves that whosoever we choose as our partner, we will give our best to the relationship, no matter what. If a person is willing and anchored in their inner power,
all the planets will bestow nothing but only blessings on them,” shares Hitesh.
Suzy says that your family of affinity, or the one you will marry into, is determined by your karmic entanglement and those you are in a relationship with (hopefully) to dissolve the burden of discredit karma and enjoy the fruits of credit karma. For example, Mangaliks are given more time to refine their nature before they enter into marriage. If they see it as an opportunity for self-refinement and work on themselves, they can enjoy a long and fruitful marriage.
Anuradha Gupta feels that one must make a list of non-negotiables but in a more practical manner. These are two or three qualities which you absolutely need in your life partner. It is important for two people to be aligned regarding their value systems. This includes discussing things like wanting children or not, how to take care of parents when they age, finances, etc. One should not look at their partner as a reservoir of completeness and perfection because that’s too much pressure on one person. Friendship is very important in a marriage, but that does not mean your partner will fulfil all that you need from life and become the source of all your desires and happiness.
Anuradha also feels that two people must gauge if they are enjoying each other’s company, looking forward to seeing each other again, and eventually reaching a stage where both of them can’t live without each other. This gives a clear indication of the right partner. According
to her, the four major pillars of marriage are love, respect, friendship, and acceptance, and one must look for these qualities in their prospective partner.
Anuradha also feels that two people must gauge if they are enjoying each other’s company, looking forward to seeing each other again, and eventually reaching a stage where both of them can’t live without each other. This gives a clear indication of the right partner. According to her, the four major pillars of marriage are love, respect, friendship, and acceptance, and one must look for these qualities in their prospective partner.
Anuradha Gupta beautifully explains that for a tree to bloom, it needs to anchor its roots somewhere tight, and that’s how people are as well. After choosing each other, marriage anchors two people into each other through a strong bond and commitment.
Suzy says, “I have seen intelligent people making unwise marital choices, reconfirming the idea that marriage arises primarily from karmic forces. Each person needs a different marital experience to grow and, like it or not, many a time growth also comes through friction and suffering. I’d say look for humility, generosity, compassion, and light-heartedness in your partner.”
All three, Anuradha, Hitesh, and Suzy are aligned regarding one thing: the recipe for finding a great life partner and a successful marriage is knowing oneself more and more, and constant self-work, growth, and evolution.
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