July 2023
Formal versus informal
Why do some people like the formal way and others the informal, asks Suma Varughese
Over the years, I have come to understand that I thrive in an informal atmosphere and feel suffocated in a formal one. To my mind, formality calls for adherence to certain rules and regulations. One is required to dress a certain way, like the dress codes stipulated at clubs or in the corporate world. One is required to behave in a certain way: etiquette determines how loud your voice should be, who you should talk to and who not to, and how you should sit, stand, and hold yourself. In a formal society, you go to someone’s house after taking an appointment, never spontaneously. You eat at a certain time, sleep at a certain time, wake up at a certain time, have tea at a certain time, and read the paper at a certain time. To me, formality means to doctor conduct and environment, while informality is free and easy.
I like dressing informally. Oh yes, I love wearing saris and drape them when the occasion demands it (weddings, special occasions, even my own workshops), but my regular attire would be the hassle free and comfortable combination of tops and trousers. I would never cross boundaries, but I do not want to be told what to wear. I can never imagine fitting myself into a suit simply because that is the norm. I can never imagine dressing down on
a Friday simply because that is the norm. What if I wanted to dress down on a Wednesday instead? I first realised this propensity of mine when I had to give speeches at formal dos and found myself self-conscious and uncomfortable. When I started my workshops, though, I was utterly at ease. I would reach out and welcome each participant as they entered the room and create an environment of camaraderie. As one participant said, it was more like a family gathering than a workshop. Similarly, I am all for picnicking rather than partying, for sitting on the ground instead of sitting on high perches, being part of an intimate circle of friends instead of a gathering of celebrities, no matter how luminary. I recall an incident that occurred while editing my earlier magazine, Society. The Mumbai-based magazine group included a Pune-city magazine, which had organised a plush fashion show. All editors were invited to the event, and we were transported to Pune in the first-class coach of the Deccan Queen. Many juniors in the advertising and marketing department were also travelling in the general compartment. When we disembarked, my friends in the advertising department asked me how the journey had been.
“Comfortable,” I said. “That’s not the right answer,” said a high spirited girl. “What is?” I asked, intrigued. “Fun,” she replied. I thought about my journey. Conversation had been desultory. Most had withdrawn into books or magazines. Clearly, the juniors had got the better deal. So how would I distinguish this propensity for formality versus informality? What does it hinge upon? I believe informality appeals to those who are guided by motives such as freedom, self-expression, spontaneity, or ease. They are also usually non conformists. Those who are drawn to formality are guided by a love for rules and order. Hierarchy is important, and so is a certain standard of behaviour. Impeccability is of great importance, as well as discipline and organisation. Society needs both, the free-flowing non conformist and the perfectionistic organiser. Perhaps the ideal is when we can feel comfortable in both milieus without feeling wrong or artificial in either. When we are at home in ourselves, we are at home with the world.
Suma Varughese is a teacher of words and wisdom. She broadcasts spiritual truths and a love for writing in her various capacities as columnist, writer, writing coach, and the founder-facilitator of the popular Zen of Good Writing Course. She is the former editor of Life Positive and Society magazines. She has authored Travelling Light, Travelling Lighter, and 50 Life Lessons. She can be contacted at sumavarughese@gmail.com
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