August 2023
Shivi Verma comes to the realisation that, over the years, her life was gradually being shaped for the better by the Divine, using the adversities in her life as His tools
Sometimes I cannot help but be grateful to the Divine for giving the gift of spirituality to me.
Mired in hardships, struggles, and innumerable challenges, spirituality has helped me keep my head above water and never lose faith, hope, and courage in the positivity of life. It has helped me push the boundaries and reach the farthest end of my capabilities just because an unseen faith keeps telling me that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Nevertheless, I have also felt deeply hurt and demoralised, and have despaired, fought, cried, and raged against the injustices of life to God. I have suffered from guilt pangs after every emotional or temper outburst, wondering why my spiritual sadhanas do not yield long-lasting results. When faced with pressure and extreme stressors, I have asked myself why I feel burdened and cannot get over my sense of doership? Why can’t I let the Universe take over and enjoy the state of effortlessness? What good is my spirituality if I cannot stay centred during turbulent times?
I have even wondered if I have made any significant spiritual
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progress in life and concluded that my efforts have not amounted to much. However, what I did not realise in all these years was that the Divine was slowly chiselling away my imperfections and making me deeper and more tolerant from within.
Recently, I took a long break after years and went on a sabbatical. As I was relaxing in new surroundings, I came across a few things that would have deeply hurt me at any other time. But I was pleasantly surprised to note that all that I felt was deep understanding and compassion for those who had a bone to pick with me. No anger or judgement crossed my mind, and I simply felt amused by the angry outbursts. My peace was undisturbed. As my new physical surroundings were more peaceful, I was happy to note that thoughts were not bothering me. No matter what the situation, I had no internal dialogues running about people and their behaviour, whether they were good or bad, congenial or difficult, warm or cold, interesting or boring. I was simply acting through what the present moment dictated or demanded.
I also realised that this had been my state previously too. Only I
had been too preoccupied with work duties and day-to-day responsibilities to note that my inner self had grown and expanded through all the difficulties and challenges that I had encountered.
The best part was that I was able to accept myself too with all my flaws and imperfections. I was trying to impress no one, please no one, and yet not be irreverential to anyone. And this was having a positive impact on my surroundings. Even those who wanted to judge me found it difficult to dislike me. Truth be told, though I am enjoying this state, I can still not be sure that it is permanent or that my anger or resentment will not resurface at the next provocation.
I am just hoping that it would only be momentary, as a necessary reaction to an extreme situation and not based on any dislike or judgement against anyone. I am not sure where the spiritual path will eventually lead me, but as long as the Divine has my back, I can be certain that I am in safe hands.
Editor of Life Positive, Shivi Verma is a devotee who found all her answers in loving God passionately. We welcome your comments and suggestions on this article. Mail us at editor@lifepositive.net
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