By Vijaylakshmi Nadar September 2011 Is your relationship with your parents holding your life at ransom? Unless healed, these primary relationships can adversely affect all other relationships and also impede your progress and financial well-being Healing affirmationUse this affirmation to wash away your painMy parents, too, were once children. Now is the time for me to stand up on my own two feet, to support myself, to think for myself, to give myself what my parents could not give me. The more I learn about their childhoods, the more I understand their limitations. No one taught them how to be parents. They were living out the limitations of their own parents. I do not use my parents as an excuse for the negative parts of my life. I bless my parents with love, and we are all free to accept happiness that is meaningful to us.– Louise L Hay Tears rolled down my eyes, as I cried inconsolably in the midst of about 200 others, most of who were in tears too, some surreptitiously, some openly. Most were professionals, senior government officials, home makers, college students, all of them probably feeling this raw in public, for the first time in years. The venue was a Landmark Forum session at the Lala Lajpatrai College, in 1994, where the trainer was recounting how he held so much grief against his father and how liberated he felt when he was finally able to hug him and say a big sorry. That was the first time ever, as a 24-year-old, that I learnt how important it was to leave behind all the hurts and pains linked to your parents and to your growing-up years in order to truly liberate yourself and evolve as an adult. It was also the first time I understood that our parents are not convenient hangers-on, on whom we hang our aspirations, expecting them to fit our notion of an ideal parent. Needless to say, the whole foundation of the parent-child relationship that I had built up in my mind, where I, as the child, could have limitless expectations from them, and they as the parents, had no choice but to comply, fell apart leaving me completely shaken to say the least. The thought was too profound to digest back then and I fell back on my pattern of accumulating hurts, every time my parents failed to live up to my expectations. This pattern only strengthened over the next 15 years of my life, when I went through a troubled marriage, which also put an end to a successful career. In short, my life skydived into bleak depression. It was, of course, very convenient to lay the blame at my parents’ door, refusing to see beyond my hurt. Through these years, I drifted in and out of darkness, convinced this was my destiny. Sessions and workshops on reiki and EFT helped stabilise me and a few transformation workshops helped chip away at my hopelessness but I still could not touch the core of my deep despair to heal. Then in 2010, much to my surprise, in yet another workshop, supposedly a success seminar called SP2 led by Mr Latesh Shah, I was forced to re-assess my status quo with my parents, after again being reduced to tears. Along with some 150 other participants, I heard Mr Shah describe his hurt when, on going to his father’s shop, his father gruffly asked him to get up to make way for his father’s friend. That one incident scarred him so badly that he carried the hurt of rejection all through his life, right until his dad’s funeral. It was not until he related his rejection theory to his shocked mother that he learnt how mistaken he was and how much his father had really loved him and how proud he had been of his son. In the sharing that followed, I realised that in every adult, there is a child within, hurt and sulking, waiting to be hugged. And yet I continued to have a less than comfortable relationship with my parents, and carried a baggage of hurts that made me angry and sullen. This would have been okay had it not been for the unpalatable consequences: a destructive marriage, a career which nose-dived, adopting harsh parenting techniques myself, and tremendous anger against the rest of the world. In May 2012, I was forced to review my parental bonds for the third time, at the Nithya Spurana programme (NSP), with Swami Nithyananda. Since the NSP was projected as a self-awareness and self-development programme, I decided to attend it for more clarity in my life, as I continued to be in darkness, with no clear path, personally or professionally, ahead of me. I was therefore shocked and surprised when the swamiji also brought up the consequences of carrying hurt and how it manifests later on in life. As participant after participant recalled their childhood experiences, I reflected on my own issues. My conservative parents expected me to be completely docile as a female, as a result of which I was constantly at war at home, struggling to come on my own in my growing-up years. The final straw was when I was compelled to get into an arranged marriage, a gamble which did not quite pay off for me. “This is one relationship which has no substitute and hence conflicts need to be resolved, to help you to move forward. Conflicts can manifest as early as in the womb,” says Brahmakumari B K Shivani. Determined to get out of the hell hole that I saw myself in, I chose to dive right in this time and discover for myself how the troubled equation with my parents could stunt my personal and professional growth as revealed by these masters. To assist me in the journey, this cover story was born. “All the thoughts and actions the mother undergoes is felt by the foetus. A negative environment can be created when factors like gender preference, financial difficulties, worry and anxiety, not wanting the pregnancy, all create a feeling of being unwanted and rejected. Parents can spend a lifetime explaining, but cannot really erase this hurt, spilling into adulthood, influencing all our personal and professional decisions.” If exposed to excessive negative energy in the womb, the foetus is bound to grow into an emotionally weak child, she stresses. “Comparisons between siblings and other peers can damage a child’s psyche too. The first layer of information comes from parents. Not just the words but even the thoughts of the parents can help build a child’s self-image, because it trusts its parents so blindly. Constant criticism or physical violence can make a child grow up with the feeling of never being loved,” emphasises Shivani. If the relationship with your parents is not healed it can influence all the relationships that follow, from siblings, to spouses, to friends, colleagues and bosses. “To facilitate healing, it is important that the child be shown the parents’ perspective first. This itself removes the blocks, paving the way for healing. One needs to also explain logically why it is important, not to hold on to hate, which is, in any case, a matter of perspective at that point in time and not a reality,” says Shivani. “We think as an adult that our childhood is over, but the hurtyou experienced at four or 14, remains within you.’Samadarshini, One World Academy Primary relationships Elaborating on this, Samadarshini of One World Academy says, “The depth in these relationships determines the quality of your relationships with the rest of the world. If you have problems with your father, you are most likely to have strained relationships with an authority figure like a boss, consequently affecting your professional growth; and if the relationship with your mother is strained, then intimate relations might be affected. You will also not be aligned on the path of prosperity,” she says. If struggling with finances, experiencing career blocks or unhealthy relationships, examine your primary relationships and resolve them to energetically move towards the path of prosperity. Relationships are therefore a direct force, not an indirect force, in determining our destiny. “We think that our childhood is over, but the hurt you experienced at four or 14, remains within you. If, as an adult, you think it does not matter anymore, you need to re-connect to the child and re-experience the pain. Healing begins when, as an adult, you become aware of the pain, understand the interpretation your mind gave to the situation then, and in the moment of awareness, you dissolve all the old hurts and pains,” says Samadarshini. We will know the healing process is complete when we move towards gratitude to our parents. “Parents remain a part of us forever. We share an integral part of their physical, mental, emotional and intellectual inheritances, so we have to deal with the negative aspects too. It is important that we become more compassionate towards them too, because if they have never experienced love, how can they give love?” she elaborates. It is a well-established fact that when men do not resolve their hurts, they experience a constant need to prove themselves even as an adult, creating discontent. Samadarshini relates the story of a bank manager in Andhra Pradesh, whose father kept comparing him with his two IAS brothers. “He not only developed a hatred for his brothers but also tremendous anger towards his father. He was driven to prove himself. Even when he got a good post in the bank, it was not enough for him. He got into share broking, suffered losses, jumped into medical transcription…and suffered losses there too. Not surprisingly, he wrecked his marriage as well.” “It is only from a elevated position of love and compassion that you can take the right steps to move forward,” says Samadarshini. Research conducted by Harvard university on their former students in the ages of 35-40 years, have shown that heart attacks are most common among those who did not resolve their emotional hurts before the age of 20
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