Mahalakshmi Rajgopala shares the heart-touching tale of a woman who beautifully integrated with her spouse, after healing her heart of the pain caused by her boyfriend long ago.
Being in a relationship is one of the most beautiful experiences one can have. All those who have been in one, or are currently in one, will vouch for it. In most cases, it evolves from friendship into something more concrete, where two individuals experience a deep emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connection. Mostly, it culminates in a physical relationship too.
For most people, physical intimacy is of great concern in any relationship. Especially, parents are extremely anxious about their daughter getting involved in a physical relationship with her lover. They feel that she is putting herself at risk.
As a holistic wellness practitioner, I completely disagree. While I definitely oppose teenage pregnancy or pre-marriage pregnancy, I strongly feel that physical intimacy is not what harms the individual when a relationship breaks up. Rather, it is the loss of emotional relationship that takes a toll on the individual. The case study shared below is a fitting testimony to the fact that physical intimacy is not what traumatises a person in a relationship breakup —the actual damage is caused by the loss of emotional intimacy. It is also essential to understand that marital harmony, in its deepest essence, is a physical, mental, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual alignment with the partner.
Anju, a mother of two, met me to explore possibilities of healing her anger through pranic healing (an energy healing system that works on the aura and chakras). She shared how her volatile and uncontrollable anger was leaving her family puzzled and shaken. As her healing sessions progressed, both of us realised the need for integrating her healing with counselling sessions for better results. During counselling, Anju’s truth tumbled out of the closet. Anju had been in a deep and committed relationship for six long years before her marriage. Even though she and her boyfriend shared a very strong bond, they rarely indulged in physical intimacy—Anju remained a virgin. Unfortunately, the relationship which was intended to have culminated in marriage, broke. Anju was devastated. She lost interest in her professional growth and did not know what to do with her life. Her parents married her off to a decent, well qualified, good-natured man. Arun was in every way, a good match for Anju. Anju shared her past with Arun, and he being the gentleman he was, accepted her unconditionally. Moreover, Anju was a virgin, and like any average Indian male, Arun was happy that everything was “alright”. Months and years passed; Anju and Arun were blessed with two lovely boys and looked like a perfect family. Outings, vacations, social get-togethers—everything seemed perfectly in place, but only on the outside. No matter how hard she tried, Anju could never connect deeply with Arun. She had no complaints about him as a person, but she just could not form a connection with him. They had their interactions, regularly indulged in healthy sex, and yet, Anju felt empty from within. She found herself to be a mere participant and her husband too was aware of the missing link. They tried to talk it out but could never identify the root cause. Anju was aware that inspite of bearing two children, she had not been truly intimate with Arun. This truth bothered her, but she did not know how to help herself. During her sessions with me, she discovered the reason for this lack in her married life.
The unsevered bond
It turned out that even though Anju had never indulged in physical intimacy with her boyfriend, her emotional and intellectual intimacy with him had been very deep. She had not gotten over him in all these years, despite the breakup and her subsequent marriage. These bonds hurt her, traumatised her, and prevented her from connecting deeply with Arun, even though she liked him as a person. She was broken from within and nobody had helped her heal. People around her had just moved on, feeling happy and relieved that she hadn’t got physical with her boyfriend.
When she carried her babies in her womb, Anju longed to experience all the joys and excitement that pregnant women experience with their husbands—she had heard many such stories— but she could not experience those feelings with Arun. She simply couldn’t integrate emotionally with him and she didn’t know why.
I encouraged her to learn pranic healing so that she could practice it on herself. Practising pranic psychotherapy regularly, helped her heal herself of her buried anger, hurt, and guilt. She was carrying loads of guilt beneath her superficial relationship with Arun. The counselling sessions helped her accept the reality, let go of the past, and rediscover herself. She also religiously followed the teachings of Master Choa Kok Sui—of building character—along with practising twin heart meditation.
Weeks passed, and Anju began to transform gradually. Her husband Arun began to sense changes in her. The intimacy between them slowly began to intensify and he was filled with joy. Anju discussed her sessions with him and he encouraged her to delve deeper into them. One day, while we were working together on her forgiveness sessions, Arun suggested that Anju forgive her boyfriend in reality too. I supported this idea since it could facilitate healing for all the individuals involved in the situation.
Soon, Anju traced her boyfriend and had a long conversation with him after a span of about 15 years. To her surprise, he was very warm, friendly, and sounded genuinely concerned about her welfare. He clarified that even though he had broken off with her, he had no ill feelings towards her and still respected her for who she was. He also confessed that the conversation gave him the inner peace he had been longing for. Anju, on her part, shared her emotional anguish and how she now wholeheartedly wished to forgive him and move on in life. They both laughed, cried, talked, and at the end of it, Anju felt complete.
True love conquers all
There was one more truth Arun and Anju had to face. With tears in her eyes, Anju looked at Arun and said, “I don’t think I will ever stop loving him. He didn’t break up because he didn’t love me. All these years, I have hated myself for continuing to love him in spite of the breakup. We may not be emotionally and intellectually intimate, but the connection may never break completely, irrespective of whether we are in touch or not.” Arun allowed these words to sink in. He slowly replied in a firm voice, “Love is good. It only lightens and strengthens your heart. Vengeance, hatred and guilt are bad for you. I am glad that you are over and done with those unhealthy emotions. You don’t have to feel guilty.” Anju was surprised beyond words. Noticing her expressions, he continued, “I mean what I say. If you are able to recognise and acknowledge your love for a man who dumped you, I see compassion in you, which is again, a noble emotion. Your love for another man, who is not your husband, is neither ugly nor dirty. We need to understand the beauty of love in its true essence. In fact, I am happy you have recognised this, as now, with all unhealthy emotions cleared, your heart will be able to love me in a more holistic way. Your love for the other man will never interfere in our relationship. Just as one’s intellectual connection with one’s teachers remains, even if one is not in touch with them, I accept that your intellectual connection with this gentleman too will remain, even if you are not in touch with him. I understand the security of our relationship.”
That day, both Anju and Arun experienced a spiritual integration! And the rest is history. Anju’s sessions concluded with her discovering herself and holistically integrating in her marriage. It was a long but meaningful journey which helped not just Anju, but Arun, and her boyfriend too.
Intimacy in a true relationship is something divine and not just limited to its physical aspect. The spiritual essence of a relationship can be realised only by those couples who aim to integrate with each other emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and physically. It is important that couples seek intimacy of this depth, in order to nurture innately beautiful families. Beautiful families will lead to peaceful societies and in turn, a peaceful, beautiful planet. Are we ready?
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