Queen of her empire
Jyoti Marianne Bahri’s battle with the devastating effects of COVID thrusts her into the lap of the Divine Mother, where she truly belongs
Recently, I was down with fever and severe pains, and I was hanging in there somehow, trying to cope. I just wanted to be left alone, not being bothered to eat or take medicines. Some days before this, I had started feeling very impatient, edgy, and irritable with everyone around me, including myself. Day by day, I grew more vulnerable, moody, and offended just by the tone of a voice. I felt as if some venom had penetrated my entire being. I had to rein in my tongue tightly to restrain myself from spewing out this ‘poison.’ I was wondering what was happening to me—I was not my usual self.
Finally, I found myself bulldozed down entirely, and I had no strength to counteract. I just wanted to sink in and not be disturbed, and be done with it. I felt overshadowed by a dark cloud or an entity. It had taken away not only my strength but even the will to live—the urge to fight, the drive to expand the restricted room in my chest. I just accepted the decreasing space in my lungs, breathed shallowly, and allowed the sensitive pinned area to increase.
Was I going to die?
My husband tried to push me to change position, sit up, drink, eat, steam, gargle, and do some basic breathing exercises. The fever increased, and the oximeter readings fell day by day. Smell and appetite had gone, and whatever I ate, I couldn’t digest. When the COVID-19 test result came in as positive, I was gasping for breath: I was gasping for life in every inch of my chest. I was losing the space to breathe.
As I was trying to sleep at night, my pulse shot up. The nervous system sent out tremors, and the chest and heart were vibrating vigorously. Thoughts streamed in like dark clouds, and fear-loaded emotions erupted. Am I in danger? Am I going to die? All the possible ifs and buts appeared, and I got overwhelmed listening to all the voices in the head, warning me, telling me what to do.
Suddenly, in the middle of the night, I realised that all this was part of the illness. It was an invasion, and I just allowed it to happen without any resistance. It had almost driven me out of my kingdom. I sat up, and I called upon my inner female warrior. If I have to die, let me do it gracefully and bravely. I sat up and started my breathing exercises, ready to regain every breath, with the thought that I am the queen of my empire and nothing can defeat me.
The fight begins
When I began, it was painful to take a deep breath or inhale with the steamer. My head was spinning, a severe churning assaulted my abdomen, and fine needles were pressing forcefully into my lungs. I crawled back into bed, exhausted but not despairing anymore. Something in me got kindled to live. I continued with the exercises despite the fever and the pain. Slowly, the chest started opening up.
I refused the prescribed allopathic medicine and asked my friend, an experienced homoeopath and gifted therapist, to guide me. I trusted in myself and my own self-healing ability, in whose service she had placed herself. Skilfully, she tested what my body needed to take the next step towards recovery, like increased supplements, especially zinc and amino acids, and energised water. She sent me a specific tattoo that I had to draw on my arm. Gradually, the fever reduced.
A positive outlook
Being isolated from everybody, I felt very lonely till I realised that this was my long-awaited retreat. I had my separate room with an attached bathroom. Food and everything I needed were kept in the passage. There was nothing to do, no needs of others to be fulfilled, no household work, no writing, no to-do lists to be worked on. The entire focus was on myself and my recovery, well-being, and ways to come to terms with my life and become that luminous self I longed to be.
I increased my steaming and breathing exercises. I listened to online Vedanta classes and guided meditations, even though it was difficult to hold the concentration. Every day, I attended group healing and prayer sessions. In the night when I couldn’t sleep, I sat up, and using my mala (prayer beads), recited my mantras. Still, one part of my mind was busy repeating mechanically, while the other part went on entertaining thoughts.
Finally, I dedicated a mantra to friends in need and many other COVID patients in the city and all over the country. While reciting the mantra, I guided it through my own body right into the affected parts of my lungs, spleen, and pancreas. I visualised the healing vibration of the mantra reaching everyone else’s body along with my breath. In this way, I engaged mindfully. I calmed down and could find restful sleep.
The fever subsided. Physically, I felt more robust, but emotionally, I was very worn out. I had grown over-sensitive and vulnerable. I could not bear unsettling news and finally had to keep myself away from phone calls and social media. Nevertheless, I was flooded with thoughts and fearful emotions. Crying episodes increased, and I would sit there and bawl for no rhyme or reason, or by just being overwhelmed by the news streaming in about dear ones battling for life or having passed away.
I allowed myself to grieve and indulge in the crying, and did not try to suppress but rather observed what was deeply below the surface and vent it out by writing. What showed up was an accumulated sense of loss and unpredictability, helplessness, and a sense of being doomed by an unknown force. Fear of the unknown, of death, crept up, and I felt that I had lost my way home—my deep connection with the Divine within me.
In the morning, I listened to a powerful Shiva mantra to counteract the panic attacks, reduce fear and anxiety, and balance emotions. The beautiful voice invited me to chant along. I tried, accompanied by coughing and the clearing of my throat. Slowly, day by day, the hoarse voice and loaded lungs started clearing up, and the sound of the mantra opened up the tight rings around my chest, filling me with bliss.
The lap of the Divine Mother
To find rest and peace, I remembered my inner connection. Instead of worrying, I curled up and placed myself in the lap of the Divine Mother. She caressed me and enveloped me in her sweet love, whispering into my ears: “You are precious in the eyes of the Divine. Just learn to accept. It is what it is, and it is not! Even this shall pass. Calm down and trust the higher plan. Every calamity, every crisis, holds out a gift. Recognise it and receive it.”
Now, a few weeks later, I am almost free of COVID. I still have slight congestion in my chest and carry on with steaming, pranayama (yogic breathing), and chanting. My physical stamina is limited, and I am learning how to harness my energy, expanding it gradually. Despite all that, I feel much more alive, as if I have received a boost. I am grateful for the experience that has come as a blessing in disguise. It has deepened my inner connection and helped me to focus on what is most important in my life.
Life Positive follows a stringent review publishing mechanism. Every review received undergoes -
Only after we're satisfied about the authenticity of a review is it allowed to go live on our website
Our award winning customer care team is available from 9 a.m to 9 p.m everyday
All our healers and therapists undergo training and/or certification from authorized bodies before becoming professionals. They have a minimum professional experience of one year
All our healers and therapists are genuinely passionate about doing service. They do their very best to help seekers (patients) live better lives.
All payments made to our healers are secure up to the point wherein if any session is paid for, it will be honoured dutifully and delivered promptly
Every seekers (patients) details will always remain 100% confidential and will never be disclosed