By K Gitanjali
In one of a series of missives sent to a seeking soul, the author shares her journey towards self-acceptance and surrender
Dated: In the Now
I know you must be puzzled by the fact that I end my letters with the famous line from the Old Testament: I am that I am. These are the words spoken by God to Moses. Well, my life has changed radically, from the time I started using this phrase, or shall I say mantra? I sometimes substitute it for, “I am that which I choose to be each moment,” or “I am that which I am”. It works like magic every time and creates a shift in my being, reminding me of my Divinity instantly. Let me tell you how it helped me in my interface with Old Man Ego, over the question of healing.
I have always wanted to be a healer. (Haven’t we all?). Most of us look upon healing as something that someone else can bestow on us or we can bestow on somebody. This was the very experience I had, until recently. I did various things in order to be a healer. I was filled with the desire to heal, to be a blessing, to affect someone’s life. To achieve this I ran from pillar to post. Any healing workshop, any guru coming to town and I was there. I am not saying that all this did not help me. They did, enormously. But the mistake I made was in thinking that I had to do these things. Caught up in the trap of ‘have to dos,’ I found that along with all the knowledge I got, I was also accumulating a lot of stress. Tension blocked all my energy and allowed no space for healing to flow through. Further, as I lapped up all the knowledge, I became even more confused. Perhaps I needed to get this initiation or that one in order to have dramatic healings. My self-esteem plummeted further as I found I was not clairvoyant like this healer or psychic like the next.
“I must be doing something wrong, of course,” I thought and Old Man Ego, ever ready to lend a hand, pointed out that I could not possibly be a healer when I myself needed healing. “First work on yourself,” it admonished, “then when you are healed you can heal others.”
So then began the next round of feverish activity. I dropped all efforts to heal others and concentrated on healing myself. Hours of meditation and healing sessions with myself replaced my former outer healing activities but I was no closer to the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow. The feverish running around after others had only been replaced by an urgent obsession with myself. Life did not improve much. Still there were no miracle healings. Disgusted, I threw in the towel. I was exhausted with trying and doing. In sheer desperation, I gave it all up, the need to heal, the need to meditate, the need even to serve. I just let it go. I was suddenly at a place where if I died without healing and being healed it was quite okay. In dying to my ego, I was suddenly flowing with life. Maybe I was not a healer but I was a much happier person now!
It then hit me like a ton of bricks. Of course, as long as Old Man Ego held the reins and made me think I could be a healer, I would never be at peace nor enjoy or express myself. One can only be a channel for healing to flow through and it is for the Supreme to be the Healer. Even the need to serve was an offshoot of the ego. It was the ego, which wanted to feel important as a healer. It was the ego that wanted to be a ‘meditator’. Of course, it was good to meditate for it helped me quieten myself so as to hear the whispers of my soul, but even getting obsessed about that only meant the ego had slipped in.
What would the soul do then? I wondered, not feverishly but in quiet wonder. Bang came the answer. The soul would just bask in beingness – being whatever it is each moment. It would not hop around searching for people to heal or help. It would just go with the flow, lapping up the experiences life brought it. It would perhaps say what God said, “I am that I am”. If life brought along some opportunity to share its light, the soul would willingly heal or serve just as an expression of who it is. Life would be one big meditation. It was then that I adopted this mantra of acceptance. I am that I am.
“Let me accept each moment peacefully. Suppose it is okay, if I don’t rush to this workshop. Suppose it is okay, if I am not able to heal this person’s pain. Suppose it is okay, if my heart breaks for the other person and I just feel the pain and admit I don’t know how to comfort. Suppose all I need to do is love people for who they are, and allow them to be what they are, while I am being that which I am. Suppose I don’t even need anything. I just have to express who I am; experience whatever comes my way, with every cell of my being, trying only to make a higher choice each time. Suppose I go one step forward and include myself among those I love – even on those days when I am not so lovable, when I am tired, irritated, complaining, and controlling. Suppose that too is okay as it is just what I am experiencing myself to be at that given moment.
Interestingly enough as soon as I started using this mantra, I read a piece by Neale Donald Walsch, author of the Conversations with God series. Werner Erhard, creator of transformational seminar est, used to put this in his own unique way. “Obviously,” he said, pointing at something or referencing something, “This is what’s so. Not so obviously, it’s also so what?”
Erhard was saying so what, instead of my ‘suppose it is okay,’ but both meant the same thing – acceptance of things as they are. Byron Katie, author of Loving what is, has made acceptance a way of life. She joyfully accepted a diagnosis of cancer and her mother’s death. She even looked at the man who attacked her with a gun with joy, acceptance, and gratitude. The bemused man just stared and left her alone. Coming back to Walsh again, he says that if God can be imagined as having a personality, God would be accepting and blessing. He says that the greatest secret to life is that once one accepts any condition and then blesses it, he transforms the condition, for, his accepting and blessing energy shifts the energy of the condition itself. Maybe that is why God told Moses, “I am that I am,” that is, I accept and enjoy all that I am, each moment.
Once I did not want to do or achieve anything great but was happy being ‘that, which I am,’ healing began to flow. There was nothing I needed to do. All I had to do was to be – be available, be open so that the only healer in the world could flow through me and touch others. I am a channel for healing to flow through when I am completely accepting of both my dark and light sides for it is a part of the human experience. When I accept all that I am, I am being healed!
I am that I am
Using the ‘I am that I am’ mantra in my life, made me more accepting, and brought me to a place where I embraced my ego instead of fighting it. That means not hating myself and becoming tense on the days my ego took the driver’s seat. In keeping with the secret given above, I found that the minute I embraced and accepted the role that the ego played in my life, I quickly slid back to my true self. Once you raise your vibration with acceptance you can go on to make higher choices and of course, the highest choice would always be Love.
And let me tell you love is the greatest healer. Do you too want to heal anybody? All you need to do is send them your love. That highest energy will automatically carry your healing to them.
With love and light,
I Am that I am.
K. Gitanjali is a teacher, writer, and healer currently based in Bangalore. She is the disciple of Mahavatar Babaji.
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