I am the judge I am the jury
October 2010
By Anil Bhatngar
Discover how prone you are to judging in your relationships, in the second part of this quiz on relationships
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The following quiz will help you discover how predisposed your habits and attitude already are towards the cultivation of growing, empowering, and deeply fulfilling relationships. The quiz will also help you draw a customised systematic action plan to bring about the desired changes that may provide you with a lifetime of happy relationships. There are ten columns marked (1 to 10) sandwiched between the columns of ‘The Favourables’ and ‘The Unfavourables,’ which respectively classify desirable and undesirable behaviours. In the second part of this quiz, we are checking ourselves on the tendency to judge others, instead of offering to understand them as they are – which obviously are traits unfavourable to developing great nourishing relationships. Apart from this, we will also check ourselves on the importance we place on having healthy relationships in our lives.
A. Scoring
• Read the first statement in the ‘Unfavourables’ column, and then its ‘desirable’ version under the ‘Favourables’ column.
• Depending on the extent to which the statement in the ‘Favourables’ column is true for you, rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 (i.e. if you never do what is written in the statement, mark yourself 1 under the sub-column marked 1 and if you always do it give yourself 10 under the sub-column 10). Give yourself marks accordingly in between. For example, if you do it 50 per cent of the time, mark a 5 under the sub-column 5.
• Repeat step 1 and 2 above for each of the 10 statements.
B. Interpretation
Total up your marks and divide by 10. A score of
• 1 to 2 is poor
• 3 to 4 is below average
• 5 to 6 is average
• 7 to 8 is above average
• 9 to 10 is excellent
C. Action plan
• Identify areas where you have scored low (i.e. below 5). These are the habits, which you need to improve. Now considering your relative scorings and importance, endorse each of these favourable habits with priority numbers from 1 to 10 (The habit where you have scored a 1, and which according to you, is more important than any others where you have earned a scoring of 1, should become your top priority).
• Use your will power to work on developing the top priority habit by doing it every day for 30 consecutive days against all inner resistance. If you miss a day, start all over again.
• Pick up the next habit in the priority and develop it as suggested in step 2
| Sr. No. | Unfavourables | Evaluation on ten points scale | Favourables | |||||||||
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | |||
| 1 | I am a perfectionist and therefore quick in finding faults with others. It is rare that I can find anything worth appreciating. Apart from this, I also have difficulty in expressing my appreciation for others. | I have a habit of expressing my love and appreciation of the other person for anything good in him/her instantly. It comes naturally to me and I do it very often during the day. | ||||||||||
| 2 | I react to almost everything – and I react fast. I am quick in interpreting an observation and coming to conclusions. Slow people really irritate me. | I observe more and react less. I refrain from interpreting actions of others. In addition, even when I do, I discern between them and observations and consciously keep in mind the difference between the two. | ||||||||||
| 3 | I believe others may have reasons to behave badly but I expect them to keep their reasons to themselves. I make it clear to them through my own behaviour that it may be unsafe for them to vent out their frustrations on me. | I am humble, compassionate, and forgiving. I see not only what others may be doing but also their possible reasons. I do not do to others, what I would not like done to me. | ||||||||||
| 4 | It is only natural that if I call someone mine, I would expect him or her to behave the way I expect or the way I do. It is in my habit to compare people and see who is more desirable from my point of view. | I refrain from comparing people. I accept people as they are and give them the freedom to be who they are. People come as a package with both good and bad sides to them. We need to accept them as a whole despite knowing them thoroughly, i.e. with their bad side. | ||||||||||
| 5 | I often lose patience before the other person does when she is going through a tough time. | I express my empathy and offer words of encouragement, support, and optimism when the other person is going through a period of struggle. | ||||||||||
| 6 | I see every situation in the background of the past, and as a continuation of it. | I do not bring the past mistakes or deeds of others while discussing an issue. | ||||||||||
| 7 | I can take the responsibility of liking, loving or respecting my significant other but not of doing the same for his entire family, relatives, and friends. I seriously object to the other person giving part of his time and attention to them instead of reserving the whole of it for me. | When we develop a relationship with a person, we are actually having a relationship with a whole world that he carries with him/her—his views, his habits, his past and his relatives and friends. It is a whole package and we ought to respect his world even if we cannot agree with any of his/her views or approve of the deeds of some of his/her friends/relatives. | ||||||||||
| 8 | My mind is never silent. It keeps commenting on and judging everyone and everything. It appears to have become an incorrigible chatterbox. | I meditate every day. I often return my attention to the silent peaceful core behind all the apparent noise on the surface. | ||||||||||
| 9 | I generally take relationships for granted. I talk to people only when I need to, mostly when I need something from them. | I do not wait for painful partings or death to make me aware of the importance of near and dear ones in my life. I keep in mind their impermanence and their importance in my life every day, every hour, and every moment when they are still with me. Relationships are precious and are more like plants. They are a privilege I am grateful for; not a right I can take for granted. I nurture them on a regular basis. | ||||||||||
| 10 | So long as I am correct –which I usually am – I do not consider it my responsibility to clarify or seek clarification for anything. I let people misunderstand me, and keep grudges, grievances, or resentments, against me if they want to. It is none of my business, anyway. | I do not let misunderstandings, grudges, grievances, and resentments accumulate. I take initiative to reconcile them as early as possible. Similarly, I tend to begin repairing relationships before it is too late. | ||||||||||
Anil Bhatnagar, an IITian, apart from being a corporate trainer on behavioural skills to over 50 leading companies of the nation, is a motivational speaker, a personal growth coach, a reiki teacher, a painter, a columnist with The Times of India, and an ISTD award-winning author of five internationally acclaimed books. He also writes prolifically for some of the top Indian and International journals.
www.anilbhatnagar.com