Owning my unhealed parts
An ugly incident leads Shivi Verma to introspect and become more understanding of her fellow human beings
I do not know about gurus, but as for me, I realise that no matter how elevated and evolved I feel spiritually, God has a way of reflecting all areas where rudiments of anger, judgement, hate, and self-righteousness still linger in me.
I am an ethical person by nature and expect the same from others too. Any unethical behaviour or practice is sure to get my goat. I am also equally unforgiving of my own slips, errors, and misconduct. I never knew that both these things could become obstacles in my inner growth.
I mostly take autos to commute to the office. Invariably, I end up arguing and fighting with the drivers almost every day because they overcharge, don’t run by the meter, and are pretty rude. I mostly stick to my guns and pay only that which is appropriate. However, this causes me a lot of stress every day. Because of my attitude, most autorickshaw drivers avoid me, and I have to look for other options which are economical though uncomfortable physically (shared auto rides which I have to change twice).
Recently, after a long time, I took an autorickshaw to the office because I was running late. No sooner had he refused to return my change than I flared up. A heated fight ensued, and the attention of office colleagues who were standing nearby was drawn in my direction. They looked alarmed, never having seen me show such aggression and viciousness.
Although I felt embarrassed by my lack of composure, I shrugged it off and went back to work as usual, telling myself that my outburst had not dented my image in the least bit. Nevertheless, I couldn’t forget the way one of my colleagues had avoided eye contact with me after the incident.
However, when in my morning meditation class, while doing mirror work (to help identify your own flaws in relation to others), my attention was drawn to this unhealed part of myself, which was expressing itself in the form of rowdy, unethical, and rash drivers. I realised that I had no compassion or understanding for them, which was stopping me from having any positive impact on them. Furthermore, my behaviour showed that I was no better than they were. I folded my hands and sought their forgiveness in my meditation. It was not easy. My ego, which had hated, disliked, and judged them with all my heart, was finding it hard to come down from its pedestal and admit that it had made a mistake by not having any understanding for their unawakened state.
Even though I was right to not give in to their unjust demands, it was not okay for me to fill myself with so much negativity about them. Every soul is on a journey, and people are free to act in ways they deem right. While it is okay to stand your ground and do the right thing, it is not acceptable to go nuts and spew venom on them. Multiple factors go into moulding their overall behaviour and ethics, and virtue is one of the last things on their list. The group energy, which dictates their mindset, does not figure law-abidance and the commuter’s interest in its scheme of things.
I also needed to stop flagellating myself for behaving in a way which didn’t suit my stature. In fact, the whole incident was designed by God to bring to my notice my own shadow side. Though the next step is to drop all judgement and send love to this misguided bunch, I know this will involve consistent practice from my side.
Editor of Life Positive, Shivi Verma is a devotee who found all her answers in loving God passionately.
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