Love languages
December 2023
COMMUNICATION
The Language of love
Intrigued by the book The Five Love Lan guages, Navni Chawla explores the various dimensions of love languages, including their limitations and misuse of love.
Growing up, the only thing that soothed my troubled emotions was the warm, pure, and loving touch of my parents. Whether it was lying in Mama’s lap as she gently stroked her fingers through my hair or a tight hug from Papa (I could feel his heartbeat while my head rested on his chest), in both cases, I would feel a certain sense of calm as if my nerves were relaxed.
As an adult, in my romantic relationship too, I realised that physical touch was really important to me which does not have to just have a sexual connotation. To be able to hold your partner, touch their face, hug them, caress their hair, and just feel their breath and heartbeat, these things were just so essential for me to love and feel loved. No wonder, I broke off two of my long-distance relationships. During the first one, I didn’t know that the physical absence of a person for a long time mattered to me much. But, in the second one, I deliberately kept the distance between me and my partner as a challenge, only to realise that it just didn’t work for me.
As I was going through a difficult time in my second relationship, I called up a friend to seek comfort and advice. Upon hearing my story, she asked me if I had read this book by Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages.
Soon after, I got this book and read it. And then it all made sense to me when I realised that my love language is physical touch. Now what is a love language? Every person has an individual way to express or communicate love to another person. The expression that comes most naturally to a person to give or receive love becomes their love language. This book was particularly groundbreaking for me.
According to the author, Chapman, the five love languages are:
1. Acts of service: Doing things that make your partner feel loved and appreciated, such as helping with chores or doing errands around without being asked to.
2. Gifts: Giving thoughtful presents to your partner.
3. Quality time: Spending time with your partner and giving them undivided attention. 4. Words of affirmation: Giving your partner compliments and verbally communicating to them how much you care.
5. Physical touch: Kissing, cuddling, hugging, or holding hands with your partner.
Identifying one’s primary love language My neighbour, Mrs Meena Sharma, a housewife, takes evening walks with me, and I often sense that she is in an unhappy marriage. Once she shared with me, “You know, Navni, I have everything. Anything that I lay my eyes on— any piece of jewellery, clothes, shoes, make-up, bags—anything that I like, even if it is super expensive, my husband buys it for me. But I no longer care for things. I crave his presence and time. He never has that for me. He is mostly away on business trips, and even when he is at home, he is always on his laptop or phone.” I could clearly see a mismatch of love languages here in Meena Aunty’s case. Her love language is quality time with her husband, and his love language is buying gifts for her. Only when they sit down to openly discuss their love languages, will their relationship improve.
It is important to know your child’s love language if you want to raise them as confident adults
Gary Chapman says, “Love can be expressed and received in all five languages. However, if you don’t speak a person’s primary love language, that person will not feel loved, even though you may be speaking the other four. Once you are speaking his or her primary love language fluently, then you can sprinkle in the other four, and they will be like icing on the cake.”
My very close friend, Vidhi Joshi, a 29-year-old architect, has had a bitter-sweet relationship with her mother. Her mother has always been a hard taskmaster and pushed her to excel in school, then in college, and then in her career. She wanted her mother to express her love in sweet words, which she never did. Due to this, she has suffered a lot. I have seen her grow up with a deep mother-wound and feeling that love is not easy and has to be earned the hard way. Due to this belief, she attracted many toxic relationships in her life, in which her mother’s love language was making her brilliant and an over-achiever; however, Vidhi’s love language was hearing loving and kind words. She always felt a lack of love in her life, especially from her mother, because as a child, she never received the primary love language she craved. Chapman wrote this book as an attempt to create an intentional tool to address and resolve many conflicts that arise in relationships. And truly, an in-depth understanding of these above-mentioned five love languages results in greater empathy, understanding, and intimacy; deeper connection; improved communication; satisfaction due to an improvement in a relationship; and an increased curiosity in your partner’s likes, dislikes, passions, and interests. Although the concept of love languages was devised to better romantic relationships, its meaning and use can be extended to friendships and other family relationships as well.
Although these five love languages are widely accepted, I feel they are fluid and not etched in stone. This means that a person can have more than one primary love language, which can shift as they change or evolve, and there could be more than five of them.
Types of love languages
“So many times, the reason for the divorces that happen is that partners speak different languages of love,” says Ms Hina Daruwala, a relationship expert. She adds that a mismatch in the love languages creates friction in the relationships, and as a result, the partners don’t meet each other’s expectations. They start to take away from each other more than they give and nurture. And that’s why it is important to know what your primary love language is and your partner’s as well.
The following examples illustrate this point: • Ishaane Khanna, a 25-year-old software engineer, says, “Trying out new restaurants together is definitely a love language for me and my boyfriend.”
• Nina Garry, a 40-year-old entrepreneur, shares, “I think Chapman’s acts of service is my love language because it demonstrates how a person can show what they can do to appreciate someone in real-time, instead of saying things without follow-up actions.”
• Tamal Wargoo, a 28-year-old writer, says, “Just simply making life easier and a little less complicated for the people I love is my love language, and I enjoy doing that.”
• Madhav Kapur, a 34-year-old chef, says, “I have such a tough job, and I am always working in crowded spaces. So sometimes, after I come back home, I just need my personal space that allows me to breathe easy, and my wife, Ujjala, gives it to me without my asking for it. She understands this love language of mine.”
• “I pray for my children. Whenever I see them in a problem where I am not capable of helping them much, I ardently pray to my deity for their well-being. I also love blessing them, which I sometimes do quietly in my heart and, at other times, I verbally tell them “Bless you. Waheguruji mehr karan” (May Waheguruji grace your
Couples who understand each other’s love language tend to form a stronger bond life with many blessings),” says my Naani Maa, who is 72 years old. That is her love language for her children and grandchildren.
• “I send lots of love internally to my husband and children when I am in conflict with them. I ask for forgiveness inside my heart for any hurt I caused them in this life or before. This helps me clear all negative energies with them, and it strengthens my bond with them. So, I think that’s my love language—doing a lot of inner talk,” says my 49-year-old mother, Jyoti Chawla.
• “I don’t nag my wife and hover over her, asking her to do things for me. I don’t speak bitterly to her and protect her heart by not doing things that I know might hurt her. I practise self-awareness. After spending so many years with Nisha, I have become more sensitive, more feminine, and more in sync with her needs, wishes, and temperaments. I make sure that she rests well when she is menstruating. I give extra love and nurturing to her during this period. I deeply respect her and bow down to the goddess in her. That’s just what I have learnt—how to be with a woman. You may call it my love language,” shares Rabindra Jha, a 38-year old yoga teacher.
The shadow side of love languages
Although the idea of love languages is used by many people to positively connect with their partner and show love and affection, it has been criticised for several reasons, from being misused and misleading to being too heteronormative.
Doing this completely robs the relationship of mutual trust, and over time, it creates greater bitterness and layers and layers of resentment. Relationships can suffer when there is a drastic gap between the love languages of two people as it gives birth to so many issues. If these issues can be addressed by identifying the correct love language of both partners, then love languages are blessings.
However, when couples start to use love language behaviours as a quick fix to mask larger problems in their relationships, that’s where the problem begins. It’s important to remember that while love languages can better a relationship emotionally, physically, and mentally, they do not repair dysfunction.
There may be a thousand other ways that couples could use to enhance their relationship. The five love languages shouldn’t be thought of as the only tool to address conflict or unresolved problems. Often, there is deep cleansing, healing, therapy, and even spiritual intervention needed to repair relationships, and love languages can only touch the surface. They cannot pierce and penetrate the subtler energetic equations in a relationship which needs both partners to do intensive deeper self-work.
The book, The Five Love Languages, has been criticised for being just written for the orthodox Christian, traditional, monogamous, and heteronormative population. There might not be enough scientific evidence to prove the authenticity of these five love languages. They may exclude other groups, identities, and relationship dynamics, such as LGBTQIA+ individuals.
Love languages can change over time. And, they can be used alternatively, depending on the current life situation. For example, someone may prefer words of affirmation when they are struggling with poor self-esteem or need to hear words of reassurance to pull through tough times, even though their primary love language is acts of service. Alternatively, as people change, grow, or evolve, sometimes their love language transforms too, and they may realise that they prefer new and finer ways of communication and expression of love. Hence, it is not wise to get attached to a particular love language that may be fleeting, as sticking to it can also create pain and conflict in relationship dynamics.
One of the most toxic and destructive things couples can do is keep score. Doing this completely robs the relationship of mutual trust, and over time, it creates turmoil. A relationship is doomed if the couple uses love languages to keep score, stating who does more and in what ways. In this manner, a relationship loses its meaning and sanctity, and becomes purely transactional. And when purity is lost in a relationship, it is not worth having it.
Final thoughts
Even though there could be so many love languages existing, the downside to it is that our love language could also be something that we desire from the other and are depriving ourselves of it. For example, if my love language is words of affirmation, being spoken to with words of great appreciation could mean that I have a very negative self-talk, which is the shadow side or dark side of my love language.
For me, the first love language is deepening a connection with oneself. Establishing a connection with God or the divine source within ourselves is so primary and urgent. Before we go on establishing new relationships outside, it’s so important to know oneself fully and create a manual for oneself, which can include, What do I like? What turns me off? What are my core values? What are my boundaries? What makes me happy? What makes me sad? How do I want to live? What kind of a person do I wish to become as I grow older? What is the life path I wish to take?
For instance, if I were to date a new person and begin a new relationship today, I would check all these above questions, contemplate them, decide on a few of my non-negotiables (things I would most certainly not compromise on in any situation), and so on and so forth. Like Do I wish to live a simple and spiritual life ahead? Then I will have a different set of values and goals for myself. And consequently, my love language will be different. What if my love language then is deepening my spiritual connection with my deity and constantly purifying my heart and mind? Then, I will be attracted to someone who also has a similar love language or desire.
An anonymous and the most relevant or intelligent advice that I found on relationships was “Make a list of the things that are truly important for you to find in a partner and then BE that list.”
And so, I believe that developing a relationship with the Divine and finding a love language for it are the most worthwhile things to do. As my beloved Swami Veda Bharati puts it, “Look within, dive within, deeply connect with that Consciousness that is ever pure, ever wise, ever compassionate, ever free.”
And when we befriend that Consciousness and consult it during testing times, the quality of all the outer expression of our love languages and relationships changes, beautifies, becomes finer, and glows.
Navni Chawla, a Delhi based writer has a heart brimming with passion for life and loves capturing the beauty of the world through words.