Love and communication
April 2012
By Chitra Jha
A seeker wife opens up new channels of communication with the fun-loving man she married for love a quarter of a century ago
I met an army captain in 1983, while travelling in a train from my hometown in Punjab to my workplace in Calcutta. It was a long haul, which offered ample time for a friendship to develop. This friendship culminated in holy matrimony after a year-and-a-half.
We were perfectly matched, as being from North India, I hadn�t heard of female domination (in those days) and hailing from Bengal, he couldn�t dream of male domination. So, we remained friends. Two beautiful children came along who further strengthened our bond. I had perfect parental support and amazingly fun-loving and progressive in-laws. We couldn�t have asked for anything else, or so I thought!
As time went by, we started growing apart. Was my new-found passion for things spiritual to be blamed for this distance or was it the distance which drew me into spiritual waters? I couldn�t be too sure!
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| We were perfectly matched, as being from North India, I hadn�t heard of female domination and hailing from Bengal, he couldn�t dream of male domination. | ||
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The idealist and the perfectionist in me couldn�t accept this discordant state of affairs. I always had the feeling that I was making much ado about nothing, but my discomfort was �real� to me.
There were two things which bothered me continuously. One was my husband�s increasing girth and the second was his merry-making nature, which affected the first issue adversely.
Gradually, I started resenting our way of life itself. Every social event (and there was one every other day), became my nemesis. My husband couldn�t help but notice my not-so-well-disguised disinterest. That became our silent battleground. We never voiced ourselves (and that was the biggest mistake) but every time I had to have people over or attend a party, I died a thousand deaths in one evening.
Chitra Jha is a life skills coach,
corporate trainer and verbal
ability instructor. From being absolutely vibrant and fun-loving, I became stiff, silent and boring. I became a social misfit, while my husband was a social honeybee! All I ever wanted was to run away from my life, which had become a �golden cage� for me!
The turn-around came, when I understood that my husband was mirroring my �disowned� sub-personalities. I had �disowned� my fun self, my addicted self (yes, I was addicted to things spiritual), and my �over-weight� self (I was over-weight in my head). As I started consciously �owning� these aspects of myself, I also realised that my lifestyle was urging me to consciously �choose� what resonated with me and courageously discard what didn�t. It was daring me to show that courage.
As I recognised both these aspects, I began to communicate with my husband. The technology came to my help and I began pouring my heart out in e-mails. I didn�t know how he would respond to my candid confessions, but I had underestimated my wonderful twin-self. He is more generous than I am, as far as the �heart� factor is concerned!
Now, he understands my needs just as I understand his, and we both consciously give space to each other, without any expectations...and the bond grows stronger by the day!