My life, my truths



By Tammy T Stone

January 2013

From being a film-maker to a spiritual writer was a journey that took her through South-East Asia and to many layers of conditioning within, says Tammy T. Stone


Everything is change. It is a truth which is hard to feel in our daily experience of the world. We want things to change so we can be happier and more fulfilled, but at the same time we cling to our ways, hoping change will come anyway. Einstein said something about this being the essence of stupidity, if I remember correctly.

 

More and more, I think that the key to navigating change – if we are seeking it – lies not in leaping forward blindly, but in finding balance, or the thread between who we were and who we are now, what we knew and felt before, as well as in the present moment. Even though my life seems drastically different now, I have come to realize that the seeds of these changes have been there all along.

It may not seem like that at first glance. Three years ago, I had a great job working in the film industry in Toronto, and I was pursuing my PhD in cinema and philosophy. I have always been a lover of the written word, intellectual ideas, and a bit later, in the power of movies to embody ways of seeing and being in the world. Though I could let loose and have fun – especially over drinks and karaoke – I definitely gravitated to the more serious side of things. I managed to turn every conversation into an analysis of life, its myriad problems and challenges, and dissected everything from reality TV shows to geopolitics with fervor. I always seemed to want to get at the deepest essence of things.

Spiritual longing

I am not saying that I was missing the point entirely, but I think that all my reading, and all my intense conversations, were telling me that I was looking for something I did not know how to find. I would never have used the words ‘spiritual longing,’ but there was a profound, buried desire for what seemed totally beyond my grasp, ease, contentment, fulfillment, and the big one – happiness.

Throughout, I constantly attended art films at the local cine-matheque and watched everything that came my way through work. I was drawn to films with existential themes, in which characters are constantly moving about in a confusing world, unsure of themselves and the direction their lives should take. Many of these films bordered on the negat
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