Nothing of me
May 2016
By Megha Bajaj
An intense experience taught Megha Bajaj the value of surrender and how to get there
I have always loved the word surrender. It seems to promise so much freedom. It seems to say, my life is no longer my responsibility, but yours, my God. Carry me. It seems to make one feel like a little one in the arms of the Infinite – just flowing. It seems to be a no-mind, all-soul state. Ever since I first heard of this word, I wondered how I could surrender. How could it happen to me? What did I need to do for it to become me?
There have been a lot of challenges in my life, like any other life, I am sure. There have been moments of absolute unadulterated bliss and beauty too. It’s like a life of sunshine and shadows. However, after an experience where I tasted complete surrender, about two years ago, I am noticing an unfathomable celebration beginning at the core of my being. Something seems to be, most times, in a state of unison. An ease, an effortlessness too seems to be creeping in. There is more peace in moments of disturbance than there used to be. There is a long way to go, but almost after a decade of meditating and being a seeker, I feel I am finally getting somewhere. The first few years had seemed abysmal and hopeless.
I feel blessed to have a living guru in my life. I feel even more blessed to have the freedom to email him and express to him whenever I want. Not a thought is hidden. Not a feeling concealed. As I am, I express to him. And as I am, he accepts me. I keep writing to him, asking him, have I surrendered? Am I on my way? He doesn’t reply with words, but with experiences.
Of all the experiences I have had – my mother being diagnosed with Stage lV brain cancer two years ago was probably the most intense. I just had no way of dealing with it. She means everything to me, and I couldn’t even comprehend losing her. I kept trying to find peace, but couldn’t. I looked for answers, but there were none. Doctors had given up. I kept asking, thinking, feeling, speaking in my mind but nothing worked. Finally, after having done all I possibly could as a daughter, I just sank into my chair and wrote an email to my guru that basically said, I give up, it’s all in your hands… whether she lives, whether she dies, you are everything to me and you know the best. As I pressed SENT I felt immense, incredible relief sweep upon me.
Finally, after having done all I possibly could as a daughter, I just sank into my chair and wrote an email to my guru that basically said, I give up, it’s all in your hands…
From that moment mom’s entire health began an upward curve. Everything changed. It was beyond a miracle. It was the first time I actually knew complete surrender. I am still not able to recreate that day, all those intense feelings, the giving up and thereby going up in my life. But I now have a very strong milestone. In each meditation I pray, “God, from everything of me and nothing of you, I have now moved to something of me and something of you. Please take me to that state, of nothing of me and everything of you. And then I smile at my own foolishness thinking, if I still need to ask or tell Him things, that itself isn’t surrender. And so I empty myself. It’s a journey. An incredible one. But now that I have tasted a glimpse of surrender, I know that is where I want to be. The no-mind, all-soul state. I pray to be with God soon.
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About the author : Megha is, above all, a seeker. These days she is attempting to find herself in the role of a teacher through the online writing course designed by her. You can know more about her on www.wonderofwords.org