• In :
• Personal Growth

June 2024

Relationships

The Silent Bedroom

Dr. Anu Mehta delves into the complexities of diminished intimacy among urban couples, examining both the biological and psychological factors that contribute to this phenomenon.

Sex is more than our desires, erotic experiences, intimate connections and sexual behaviour. It is the deepest expression of the power of creation. 

—Sheri Winston (2010) 

A friend of mine was in a loveless and sexless marriage for several years until she finally decided to divorce her husband. She then got married to a business magnate hoping that he would be able to take care of her sexually as well as emotionally.

However, she is perplexed because, although her partner is emotionally supportive, he seems to lack interest in sexual intimacy with her. He doesn’t clarify much on being probed and she is confused as to what makes him disinterested despite being so emotionally attentive.

The absence of sexual intimacy and intercourse can have a significant impact on a romantic relationship. It can lead to a variety of psychological and physiological consequences, such as stress, jealousy, anxiety, dissatisfaction, and estrangement.

This situation piqued my interest and I decided to explore the topics of sexual and emotional compatibility, along with sexual desire and fulfilment. To delve into the reasons behind these phenomena, I conducted an interview with Dr. Ameet Patke MBBS, MD (Obstetrics and Gynaecology), DNB (Obstetrics and Gynaecology)

Dr Ameet Patke explained that sexual chemistry between a couple is a combination of physical attraction and emotional connection. A compatible emotional connection, based on mutual respect and understanding, leads to comfortable sexual compatibility. Couples who have an authentic and relaxed communication style tend to be more sexually compatible. They value each other's value systems and beliefs. Conversely, an emotionally uncomfortable, aggressive, or empty relationship filled with dismissive behaviour may result in sexual disconnection.

 However, there are several organic and inorganic factors that can affect the sex life of couples.

 To understand better let’s get to the brass tacks.

What is sex drive

The term ‘sex drive’ refers to the sexual urges in an individual, and is influenced by the hormones present in their body. When someone is described as having a high or low sex drive, it means that their level of sexual desire remains consistent regardless of their partner. Sexual attraction, on the other hand, may vary depending on the individual. It's important to note that though sex drive is not partner-dependent, sexual attraction can be.

Role of hormones in sex drive

Both males and females have male and female sex hormones, such as estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and androgen, that are responsible for reproduction and sexual desire. However, testosterone is the hormone responsible for triggering the release of other hormones and plays a vital role in driving the sex drive in both men and women. When the levels of testosterone hormone are low, both men and women may experience low libido, and vice versa.

What is the meaning of a normal sex drive? 

Sex drive can be considered normal if it is mutually acceptable for both partners involved. This means that even if one partner has a high sex drive and the other has a low sex drive, it can still be perceived as normal as long as both partners are happy with it. However, if one partner's sex drive is significantly higher or lower than the other’s, it can lead to stress and feelings of incompatibility between them. In such cases, medical investigations can be conducted to understand the reasons behind this incompatibility.

If medical investigations reveal low levels of testosterone hormone, exogenous testosterone can be prescribed to increase the levels and address the issue of low sex drive.

Let's consider the case of Ram and Nandini, who have a lovely 22-year-old daughter. They are regarded as a power couple by the world, but the reality is that they have been in a sexless marriage for many years, which they both consider normal due to their low sex drive. As both of them are content with their current situation, they have never felt the need to investigate further.

The two parts of sex drive

The sex drive has two parts: organic and inorganic. 

The organic part is affected by changes in the sex hormone levels, which can increase or decrease one's libido.

The inorganic part 

Sometimes, a person may experience a change in their sex drive which is not caused by any physical or hormonal factors, but rather by their psychological or mental state. This can occur, for example, when a person is feeling tired, stressed, or preoccupied, and is unable to focus on sex.

 Organic factors affecting sex drive are

Age: Women going through menopause and men going : through andropause may experience a drop in the levels of testosterone hormone, leading to a decline in sexual drive. It is more common for men to experience a decrease in sex drive than women because men have higher levels of testosterone to begin with, as compared to women. 

Male hypogonadism, a condition where the gonads fail to function properly can lead to a drop in the libido of men. Hypogonadism

 can create a lack of testosterone due to injury or disease affecting the testicles, pituitary gland, or hypothalamus. My friend’s husband could be grappling with andropause as he is in his 50’s.

During menopause, the balance between estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone in women is disrupted and as the levels of estrogen and progesterone decrease. Testosterone levels may become dominant and can lead to an increased sex drive for some duration, along with male pattern balding and extra growth of hair on the chin-line or chest. 

Diabetes: Type 2 diabetes can cause sexual dysfunctions in men, including a decrease in testosterone levels, lack of sexual interest, and issues like erectile dysfunction, retrograde ejaculation, and orgasmic disorder. 

In women, diabetes can cause damage to the blood vessels in the vagina, leading to a lack of lubrication and painful sex. Lubrication is necessary for female sexual pleasure, and if the vagina is too dry, it can make it difficult for the penis to enter, causing irritation or friction.

Obesity: Obesity can have specific effects on the health and sexuality of both men and women. In men, obesity may affect male hormones, and prostate health, and can be a cause of erectile dysfunction. 

For women, obesity can lower their sex drive and make it difficult for them to enjoy sex or achieve orgasm.

Thyroid: Thyroid problems such as hypothyroidism (less thyroid) can cause a hormonal imbalance in men, leading to difficulties in achieving or maintaining an erection. 

For women, both hypothyroidism and hyperthyroidism can lead to depression, fatigue, decreased vaginal lubrication, and painful, uncomfortable, or unsatisfying sexual experiences.

Impact of chemotherapy: When a person undergoes chemotherapy, the resulting stress may affect their sex drive. They may experience hormonal imbalances due to radiation, resulting in dryness, premature menopause, and andropause, where sex hormone levels decrease.

Impact of birth-control pills: Various combinations of estrogen and progesterone in birth control pills can lower the testosterone hormone and hence the sex drive of women.

Impact of surgery and acute trauma: Trauma and stress can erode our sex drive. Chronic illness, surgery and acute physical or mental trauma may hurt the sex drive of both men and women. 

Exercise and physical activity: Either too much or too little physical activity can cause a loss of sex drive for both men and women. 

Impact of breastfeeding and sexual desire

 Nursing a baby can cause the waning of the mother’s sexual desire. 

After delivery, women need to give their bodies 4 to 6 weeks to recuperate and heal before having intercourse. Yet many women experience difficulty in having sex or feeling aroused even after 4-6 weeks. 

 Inorganic factors affecting sex drive

The non-biological factors that can affect sex drive are called inorganic factors. In today’s world, work pressure, busy schedules, and lack of sleep can create situations where couples may not feel inclined to engage in sexual activity. As such, there appears to be a strong link between the presence of stress hormones and a decrease in sexual desire and response.

Odours and human sexual attraction

Certain body odours can increase or decrease sexual attraction and connection.

Mayuri and Sameer faced challenges in consummating their marriage due to the body spray and talcum powder that Mayuri used. Unfortunately, the scent reminded Sameer of his stepmother's aggressive behaviour towards him, which made him unable to perform.

Monogamous mindset

According to researchers at the University College London, monogamous behaviour has only been prevalent for the past 1,000 years. They suggest that it emerged as a way for males to protect their offspring from other males in ancestral groups who might kill them to mate with their mothers.

In ancient India, polygamy and polyandry were commonly observed in society. It was considered a personal choice, a status symbol, and sometimes a social, moral, or religious obligation.

Therefore if one partner has a polyamorous mindset while the other partner believes in fidelity, then the polyamorous partner may feel trapped in the relationship. This could result in a lack of sexual compatibility between the couple.

Thinking about someone else during sex:  Imagining yourself with someone else while making love can lead to guilt and hence an inability to perform.

It's important to understand that it’s quite normal for individuals to have thoughts of another person while having sex with their partner. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t love or desire their partner. It's a common experience among couples and can even add excitement and stimulation to the sexual encounter. But many carry guilt and may not be able to perform well during sex.

Ex-relationships: While trauma from previous challenging relationships can create problems in the current relationships, current difficult relationships may make you long for a past partner. Moreover, if someone has gone through a traumatic experience in the past, such as sexual harassment, sexual abuse or rape, it can significantly affect their sexual behaviour and preferences.

‘First night’ sex: Wedding ceremonies can be exhausting. The presence of numerous guests can lead to a lack of privacy and tiredness. Being in an unfamiliar environment can also add to the discomfort. These factors can hamper the mood and performance of couples on their first night. If the couple base their self-esteem on their performance on the first night, then they can form a negative self-image if they are unable to consummate or enjoy sex due to stress or confusion. If not put in the right context, or taken in the right spirit, the problem can extend into the regular sex life of married couples.

Impact of mistreatment within the marriage

In Indian culture, marriage is more than just a union of two individuals; it also involves the joining of two families. If one family ill-treats the other family or a partner, it can create significant challenges within a marriage. This can lead to anger and frustration between the couple, resulting in sexual incompatibility and infidelity. The couple may use denial of intimacy as a way to punish each other.

The impact of abuse within marriage can be severe and long-term.   Mental torture, physical violence, or financial control can lead to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, mental health issues, sickness and even death in some cases. It's important to seek help and support if you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in their marriage.

Lack of romance in a long-term relationship:

Sometimes, responsibilities, lack of effort, and vanishing romance can lead to bitterness, arguments, stress, and negativity within a partnership, leading to reduced sexual desires. However, diminishing sexual desire doesn't necessarily indicate that their overall sex drive is low.

loveless unions

In certain situations, a married couple may opt to remain in a relationship where there is no physical, emotional, or sexual bond. In such cases, one or both partners may enter into open relationships and pursue other interests while giving the impression that their marriage is healthy.

There could be various reasons for being in an unfulfilling marriage, such as financial dependence, business concerns, inheritance, family reputation, societal pressures, responsibility for young children or ageing parents, or personal insecurities.

The sexual drive in these cases may be fine but, sexual compatibility is not there.

Therapy can help

Acquiring the help of professionals can assist couples in developing healthy relationships with themselves and their partners. Regular therapy sessions with therapists and psychologists may enable couples to solve their issues. However, it has been observed that once couples start feeling better, they may conclude that they no longer require therapy and may slowly revert to their old, destructive patterns. 

Thus, true healing of the wounded heart is necessary to bring genuine love to the surface. In life, it's not just about the necessities such as food clothing, and shelter, but also the tenderness of love that provides comfort and healing.

 Dr. Ameet Patki says, “While there may be a desire to have sex with someone you love, having sex with someone doesn't always imply that that is a connection to love.” 

His words shed light on the fact that a connection is a culmination of many factors and is not entirely dependent on sexual activity.

Organic factors can either increase or decrease testosterone levels and sex drive respectively. It’s important to note that when sex drive is zero, it may not always be due to your partner having a psycho-sexual problem. It could also be an indication of an underlying disease or hormonal issue.

Sexual issues if not resolved on time can ruin an otherwise good marital bond. Both men and women need to take it seriously and not fee ashamed to meet a therapist to fix this problem.

They need to treat it just as any other physical issue and cast away the shame and machismo associated with it.