August 2024
Learning to say ‘NO’
Years of going overboard, in an effort to please others, Jamuna Rangachari realises that the attitude wasn’t winning her friends or getting approval from others, rather it was making her stressed and unhappy
I used to always say yes to everyone just to make them happy. I never thought of their significance in my life and whether what they asked from me was doable or reasonable. Because of this, I used to remain stressed, jumping from one task to another, without making anyone happy, including myself.
It was during that time that I did a course in project management in the company I worked for, where one chapter was on defining priorities. Serendipitously, my colleague who was also a friend asked me what was the most important thing I wished to have in my life.
Without thinking much, I just blurted ‘happiness.’ She smiled and said, “Jamuna, you have all the cards in your life to make that happen. A husband who loves you, two lovely children and even a mother-in-law who is accepting and loving. Surely, you need to just give these aspects all your attention and time and discard anything that is coming in the way of your happiness.” Truly, I needed to introspect to see what it was that was not making me happy. If there was no external factor, it had to be an internal one. I needed to understand what it was that I was doing to add unhappiness in my life.
I began applying the principles of project management in my life and began noting the anomalies. I realised that I never prioritised my own happiness over that of others. I had led a kind of nomadic childhood, where I often moved homes and lived with different people. In the process I learnt to redefine myself based on the place and people I was living with to earn their validation. I said yes to everyone who asked me for any kind of help without thinking whether it was feasible for me. Fortunately, life did not throw a drastic challenge at me around that time. However I made myself a people pleaser as a result.
This attitude made me always think of the other person’s requirements, at the expense of my needs. To the extent that I didn’t even know what my real interests in life were. I began redefining my life by pleasing myself first and not others as the first priority. The first lesson I learnt in this process was that loving oneself is not being selfish which is what I used to think earlier.
Learning to refuse
Once my neighbour asked me if I could take care of her children for a couple of days as she was travelling with her friends. The old me would have agreed without thinking about what it entailed just to please her though I knew that she hardly helped anyone in our colony.
I told her that I had an important project that I needed to complete at that time so I would not be able to take care of her children. She did not expect this reply and walked away angrily as if it was my duty to comply.
This resulted in that neighbour not being too friendly with me later on which didn’t bother me at all.
In my office, where I worked as a software professional, colleagues who had missed their deadlines would ask me to help them and I would ungrudgingly do so without thinking if it was doable or not. This often made me work day and night for someone else’s needs.
This attitude resulted in me getting a bad name in my group. I became known as a people- pleaser who would say yes to everyone for everything. Since I did not take myself seriously, others too did not take me seriously. This made me even more of a people-pleaser instead of changing myself. This is the mistake that most people make in the journey of their lives.
My philosophy earlier was that I should set an example for everyone. This made me agree to do just anything without thinking only to get caught in a whirlpool of stress and lack of time. I realised that being fake was not a good example for anyone let alone myself. There is a difference between being helpful to others and agreeing to do anything just to be seen as a good person at the cost of your peace and priorities. I began to realise this subtle difference.
I remember I used to tell my children not to say yes just to please me but because they meant it. However, in my own life, was I not doing this and therefore setting a bad example. As children learn more from observation rather than teaching. I certainly did not want my children to be people- pleasers like me so vowed to work on myself.
Happiness at last
We think that our actions are ours alone but they impact others as well. The people- pleaser Jamuna caused issues for everyone at home. They had to accept me as an ‘ever saying yes’ person without a choice. This often resulted in them doing certain things unhappily.
As my new attitude began to be noticed by others, the number of my so-called friends decread quite a bit but I noticed that the genuine ones remained. This added to my happiness quotient.
My family was pleased to see the new version of myself. My children too saw me less stressed and this made them happier. Earlier, the children had thought that saying yes to all was the way to be as they saw me do so. Now, they understood that saying yes just to please others is not the way to live life. They even began to ask me how to say no politely when something was not possible.
Overall, we all understood that being genuine and saying yes only when we wished to is the best way to lead life, both individually and as a family.
Jamuna Rangachari, the former assistant editor of Life Positive, has authored two books for children, and compiled and interpreted Teaching Stories-I and II for Life Positive. Write to her at jamunarangachari@gmail.com.
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